Joining NoFap as a desperation move

Hey guys. Im Bob (not real name) im 24 years old, live in the Netherlands. joining this kinda out of desperation. My story: iv watched porn since age 11- 2. Started with softcore. Stripteases and then moved on too pornhub. Age 13 i started with hentai. That really ruined me. Started watching incest, rape, etc. All the characters from my favorite tv shows having sex. I think my worst was getting into loli porn (basically hentai for pedos. By that time i was 15) and fucked up shit like the Hentai "bible black". Its been going on like that for years. Binge Watching for hours atleast every week 3-4 times ifnot every day. Since age 17 after my last relationship failed i decided too quit. But fast forward 7 years and here i am. Quit for 1 and 1/2 month now (if we dont include searching in google but not opening the links and fapping two times) but thats about the best it gets. Record was 3 months not fapping but that was also watching porn every day. No porn i think 2 months max. And most of the time its just been watch and watch and watch. Atleast every day.

Now im still commited too quitting. More than ever infact. my reasons are the following:

1) i hate abuse too women. My mom got beat as a child and my dad is 9 years older. Iv seen so many casting couch porns where the girl was reluctant and didnt want it but was kinda forced by the dude. #metoo is pretty new. And in Europe and everywhere you have prostitution and sex trafficking. Not too mention worst: Africa. (Probably some parts of the muslim world and asia too). Mass gangrapes, etc. It sickens me. I know many girls are sluts, look this up, ask for it, but then again how cant you in such an enviroment? I still dream of falling in love and having sex with a girl who also is madly in love with me. And i wouldnt want her getting raped (last few years has been binge watching a hentai genre called netorare). Nor my daughters if i had them.

I feel its kinda impossible too stop abuse but i just dont want too be a part of it even if it means ill be single forever.

2) i really want too work (income) study and do sports, and i feel PMO stops me doing both. I cant work well cause i cant interact with any girl without lusting like mad. I cant study because i constantly think of porn. I cant sport if i fap too much cause my energy spirals down.

3) i want too have friends and be able too interact with girls. Laugh. Have fun. I want too have a social life. But i cant for the abovementioned reasons.

Now the reason i could really use advice and decided too join Nofap is its been impossible untill now. The reasons:

1) i get terrible abstinence. I dont know how long itll last cause iv never broken through. Addiction theories iv read say it takes half the time you where addicted too truly quit. Iv been addicted probably 15 years! 12 hardcore porn for sure. That means six years till im off the hook. Six years of this torture! I really dont see how i can work, study and do this at the same time. When i quit, while i get depressed, constant need too watch etc. i Do get the "nofap superpowers" meaning i atract girls (im not an ugly guy) and this only makes the whole emotional rollercoaster worse.

2) what i truly want is too fall in love and marry "till death do us part" cause i believe in that. (Probably not a common opinion. I read a lot of Tolkien as a child) but my dark side is constantly telling me: "cant be now cause your still addicted, have no savings or university studies, etc." And "your 24. Only had sex with three girls. All bad short sex. And last time was 4 years ago. Everybody is fucking. Your girlfriend will inevitably cheat now and then. Why not download Tinder, ask every girl out you meet, and dont worry if you fuck her and it doesnt work out. 3.5 billion girls, atleast 500 million morally fuckable. Itll help you get of porn and stay on track, and if your on track you can beter help girls (though i think thats super cynical)"

The problem with the above is ofcourse i DO want sex. But i dont? Paradox? Like if the world where fair too women and women asked men out as much as men asked women i would be okay with it. But thats not the case.

Im also super insecure about sex. Im 1.9 mts and reasonably handsome but not muscular and i have an average dick. Bit long if i dont fap for months (record is 17-19 cm after 3 months not fapping but edging and porn every day) but thickness is average. Im also really insecure about my stamina.

My ideal scenario would be a FWB who helps me when Nofap gets tough, lets me touch her boobs, hug and cuddle, but no kissing and no sex of fingering or whatever. But i dont know girls willing too do that and im afraid it would devolve into sex anyways after a while. Maybe like a rape victim? Idk. But i have no idea where too meet one.

3) support is very nihil in the Netherlands. The church is really nonexistent and become a family cult or for women. Priests are not into talking bout this (they probably have their own problems) neither are municipality workers or others. Friends, etc. Drug addiction. Violence problems, thats cool. But not porn. Thats private life. Talking about.it with male friends is gay and with femalefriends.... Well i dont have any.

Therapists are open too talking about it. But the problem is the netherlands is a liberal state. Their ideology is porn is okay and the ones that can understand the problem say i SHOULD have sex. We simply dont match there. They dont understand my morals.

My morals are:

-No taking the initiative. She must want me. I dont want too be responsible for breaking her heart. And i dont think i can be "just friends" with a girl unless we discuss it from the get go.
-i dont support homosexuality
-i consider myself christian-budhist.
-she cant be younger than 4 years than me.
-not smaller than 1.7 meters.
-if its not marriage (in which case i would ask her as soon as i see her, but.i havent met "the love of my life" yet) then it should be super clear its only FWB.
-im quite picky on looks.
-several social and political issues.

The end result is here i am. In my apartment. Alone. And the prospect of sex is nihil.

Desperatly want too watch porn. But Im gonna keep trying Nofap. Advice is welcome

 

Geee thanks man. Your age really doesnt matter bro. Wisdom is wisdom. You know what, infact your age DOES matter. Because a big point for me and the reason i do this is: there is only one time i think its morally aceptable too fuck a 12-17 year old. And that is if your one yourself. In school i was a major pervert. Wanted too bang my mom (oedipus complex) the teachers, etc. But more than anything i wanted to date my classmates.

I think exploring your sexuality with someone your age is the ideal (as long as its done in a healthy way) and relationships starting in highschool that end in marriage are the most "pure".

But i noticed what happened in my class and everywhere else is young girls got quickly snatched by older, more experienced guys, and so they all get a lot of experience fairly young. The young boys dont. And when these boys grow up all girls their age have been fucked tens of times (cause what happens to these girls age 10-18 with older boys then repeats itself when they are 18 and unfortunatly sometimes younger with men age 18-50 or older.) while they have had only a few girlfriends, and so they go for younger girls with similar experience and the cycle repeats itself. And do boys date older women and do older women prey on boys? Yes. But the proportion is just way smaller, cause older women from my experience still prefer a "sexual stud" which is a role most young men cant fill but older men dont want a "sexual whore".

I believe this is a bad cycle. In our current system it creates anarchy. And i dont want too be a part of it.

 

Update 06/12/2018

Still going. Big problem i have is sexual fantazising. I used too think its okay but now i compare it with porn. Not too say fantazising is bad but when youv been addicted too porn for years its basically the same.

I constantly start edging too. I know i just shouldnt touch it but its very hard. (Not literally. Erection quality sucks) but ill keep trying

 

08/12/2018

Constant thoughts and edging/cheating (not watching porn but fantazising and reading sex stories on Quora). I feel deeply disturbed. So happy i can go too church tomorrow. Hate myself. But i wont give up.