Please help me! i am in deep trouble.

Hey man, why you feel like shit? Guilt? Ashamed? Depressed? Is this a fuel to your marriage? To your relationships? It will only bring you down again. I see a man that can show love for his family, as far as i can say, because you are concerned with these things. You have been so honest, so direct with your wife, whereas so many people are just going and fapping and going with other girls, without any hearth feeling for themselves. I don'pt know if i would be capable to tell my wife/girlfriend/woman that without being asked insistently. You have guts! Please don't make this relapse a guilt but a stepping stone. If relapsing makes you feel less man, remeber it every time you see your wife, when you watch her in the eyes. Don't just cry at her. Please bring love into your life. Shadow cannot disappear by themselves, they need light! If you are trying to have some juice by fapping, consider that you can have the best juice by being a loving creature. Stop judging yourself or you will make a problem out of this, whereas you should just turn your back to it and go. Without resentments. Best wishes from Italy; a young man

 

PS your wife leaving is her decision; i'm saying, you can focus on do better for yourself and this can radiate to her like a sun shining. Otherwise you feel guilt and this will attack your marriage too.

 

Are you seeing a counsellor? Either a marriage counsellor or one who can help with your addiction? I strongly reccomend it. It will also show your wife you are serious about ending this addiction. Hang in there brother!

 

Problem here is you overreacted. Also your wife overreacted you your overreaction.

Now, I'd say first priority is for both of you to relax, take some time and distance from the event.

Second priority is figure out what to do.

 

Whilst i don't have experience dealing with porn addiction in a marriage like yours i did have a porn addiction for about 15 years and there are many men (and families) going through what you are dealing with. What often starts as juvenile curiosity in our teens becomes a coping mechanism later in life, we get to a point where we would rather not have it but yet we still need it even though we know it makes us feel sick, sometimes we get into risky situations in pursuit of that buzz which is always elusive and the goal posts move each time, never being satisfied with just one thing and it seems like a prison where the door is wide open but we insanely make the choice each time to just stay put.

I think it's good that you have told your wife and the fact she is understanding clearly shows you have a strong relationship and are both willing to fight for it and make it work but the task ahead of you is difficult and it's one that you have to be committed to, there may be relapses or slip ups along the way but the important thing is to find the right level of support.

You have to remember that this is a habbit/compulsion/addiction that for many of us we have nurtured for years so it forms complex networks in our brains, they key to overcoming it like any opponent is to 'know your enemy' that means also to know yourself better and become more educated about porn (the adverse effects).

Talk based therapy with a trained psychosexual therapist will help, as will group therapy, something like Sex Addicts Anonymous. For me what helped was dealing with my drug addiction with Cocaine Anonymous and seeking out private psychotherapy, taking better care of my mental health, looking after myself better and putting in place activities that are creative, productive and give a sense of achievement, also helping others helps me. I also have read a lot about porn addiction, the industry, real life stories and the psychology of addictions which forms part of 'knowing the enemy'

Blocking content i know seems like a good idea at first, but as you have found out yourself, this only in reality creates a minor barrier because if you have not dealt with the psychological part of your addiction (the why's and the how's) then you will simply find alternatives, physical barriers to an addict sometimes can actually represent a challenge which they will gladly accept. The trick is to take away the desire, so whether there is a phsyical barrier or not it makes no difference because ultimately you are in the driving seat.

There is a good book i can recommend for you and it would also be helpful to read it with your wife since it deals both with porn addiction for the individual and partners too, it would be a good starting point for you. The book is called 'The Porn Trap, by Larry and Wendy Maltz' and is not very expensive and it's available on Amazon.

I wish you good luck and hope you can find the strength to overcome this so you can enjoy your family for many years to come.

 

Zeno's reply hits the nail on the head.
Don't feel bad, you can't go back in time and change things, we are all human and we all fail. Just get back up and keep fighting brother.

 

Seeing 2 naked girl in a strip bar doesn't look like the end of the world...

 

Hi addictedhusband,

For sure you can beat this but you have to be willing to commit to to doing it. It’s hard and you will know doubt be tested on plenty of occasions but what have you got to lose, you’ve tried jumping in and out of giving up and it hasn’t worked!

Here are some tips for you, commit to them all and you will find your journey easier.

Purchase some Smelling Salts - Available on Amazon. If you don’t know what they are, think about walking into a football stadium’s toilet and the stink of the urine - multiply that by 10,000 and that what you have! It will blow your head off (not literally of course lol) If you feel triggered take a sniff, not to much but you’ll see what I mean. Doing this will change your emotion so your arousal will disappear. When this happens you have enough time to get out of wherever you are and focus on something different.

Research Dopamine and porn addiction and how they work together. Get to understand what’s going on in your brain and this will help separate yourself and the science of it all. Research as much as you can.

Goggle Paula Hall’s video “The Road To Brighton”. It give you more understanding of the dopamine and the brain.

Speak to your partner and ask her to be your accountability partner. Write out an agreement of what any ‘can’ and ‘can’t do’s’. Once this has been agreed with stick to the agreement you have made together. Talk to her when you are feeling anxious as this will probably be when you are feeling vulnerable.

DO NOT DELETE YOUR HISTORY on any of your devices and allow Your partner full access to all of them so she can check at will. Allow her access to any of your devices anytime she wants and tell her to check randomly.

Be vigilant as you will need to be, so be aware of any triggers that come up and when they do note them down as you will soon learn what your triggers are.

Imagine you have been caught by a loved one and then write a letter to that person explaining how ashamed you feel and how sorry you are. Keep this letter for you only and refer to it as a deterrent when you have a trigger.

Write a response from the loved one nd put down what they think they would say to you. Once again, this will be a deterrent when you are triggered.

Please understand that this is will take time, you are trying to break a habit that you have had for a long time so don’t put to much pressure on yourself.

By the way, none of this is my stuff, it’s tried and tested in sex addiction therapy and it works but the number one thing is you have to have Is will power to do this, so you will be digging deep.

If you can afford to see a specialist in sex addiction. Two of the main reasons people get addicted to porn is from early attachment issues or trauma or both.

Finally, write a journal about how you are feeling, you don’t have to write down anything you have done you can just reflect on your triggers and what got you there. Write your journal on here if you want, you will be amazed of the support you get.

Good luck.

G

 

More or less what I already said, but maybe better wording.

 

I'm just a couple of years older than you, and I have been addicted much longer....I deal with OCD/Depression and anxiety on top of everything. What I'm going to tell you is going to sound strange as far as advice, but here it goes. The more we tried to "lock down" the digital coming into the house, the more stressed and consumed I became. I would come up with stupid reasons to tell my wife she needed to put in the password. I would binge for hours!! Lock down, I would google EVEN LONGER. I would put in random addresses seeing what I could find. In general, I found this was FAR more destructive than occasional PMO. I'm not saying that I don't fail horribly, but knowing me, I would feel exactly like you if I went to a strip club. My thought would be an occasional slip up with a digital image is better than paying in person. I don't know. I know from a wife standpoint, this is all hard to process. I found and continue to find that there is something much deeper than sex at play in the needing and desiring of this material. I think it is a way to escape my mind that is stressed out by so many things and depressed or made anxious by life. The problem is, after the "escape", that has added to the problem....Hang in there. Communicate with your wife. Try to figure out what is really at play here. I'm thinking for most of us, what began as curiosity about sex, became a safe place to hide and forget every other aspect of life but the sex that filled the screen. After all, God created sex. It was meant to be a good thing. We were meant to desire it, just not with everyone in the world. I'm struggling right there with you. My prayers for you, brother.

 

You can consider it a relapse. Do not be afraid of it. Relapses follow us, more or less, on our way in life. If you find out that your relapses are less intense and less frequent, then you are for sure on the right way!

 

You obviously love your wife. Research how porn effects your brain and dopamine receptors. How the habit is like when class A drugs hijack dopamine production etc
You’ll be able to convince your wife more when she sees high speed internet porn is causing problems amongst hundreds of thousands if not millions of men across the globe

 

You might find the "healing code" useful for dealing with feelings of guilt and shame etc.

https://joystreamhealth.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/healing-code-you-can-do-yourself/

It might look a bit crazy but it's well worth a try. You don't have to follow all the steps and no specific beliefs are required.

If that doesn't suit you, you could try EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

I've got other tips which might be useful. Let me know if you want to try them (or look at my posts and you can probably find out what I'm talking about).