I'm 33 and first started looking at porn on a 56k modem when I was in my early teens (13 or 14 I think)... It was an on-and-off habit and I didn't even connect the dots (realize that the porn causing me problems) until my first year of university... I would shut myself away in my small dorm room and look at porn, uncontrollably, for 5,6, 7 hours or more. I remember the exhausted, shameful walks to lectures the next day, and I remember being overwhelmed by the girls on campus; especially in the summer. Things changed. I wasn't swamped by porn all the time, but went through phases of addiction. There would be a year or two where I didn't look, then a year where it regularly got its claws into me. This has gone on for a long time, but over the past five years, I found a way of using porn to manage the stress caused by work (as well as my emotions). It's out of this habit, that the porn has really begun to mess me up. I've become more obsessed with sex than ever. I started writing erotic fiction, I began signing up to adult dating sites, I tried to get my ex girlfriend to be in an open relationship with me, I've cheated on her... the list goes on. (And the strange thing is that I always felt guilty about those things and knew they didn't sit well with me, but kept doing them anyway.) Now, after years of programming my mind in such a way, I'm anxious about what pain and difficulty I will have to go through to get clean. I can see that I need to replace this habit with something else. I need to practice mindfulness and manage my weekends so that I can have something positive to do. I need to clean up my act. At the same time, I don't want to reject sex and desire from my life altogether. I need to strike a balance and have a goal in life to work towards too. It's great to have found this site, and over the next few weeks and months I'll try to find some accountability here and get some perspective. If you have any practical advice about what I could expect to go through as I try to break this addiction, It'd be great to hear it. Thanks for reading
Yo bro, welcome here. You are brave. I am seeking out a solution here too. Let's fight together on the road of Nofap and be a buddy together~ BTW, I am 31 male.
Hey guys, just signed up recently as well. 27, male. I am also looking for support and inspiration there ! @oliver3000 : I'm undertaking the 90 days challenge and I decided to start each of the 90 days by watching inspirational videos showing the negative effects of porn and underlining the positive aspects of banning it, for now, it's mostly TED Talks but they are quite inspirational. Also, I know that as far as I'm concerned, my cravings for porn was mostly fuelled by my insecurity towards women. It also got worse when I discovered the PUA scene. Reading this incredibly powerful book was a life-changing moment for me and really helps now in my resolution to ban porn from my life forever. I cannot recommend it strongly enough because it led me to abandon PUAism, take my first steps into healthier relationships with women (I broke up with my last girlfriend partly because I thought I needed to move on to a hotter one to show how awesome a dominant male I was, so I really needed to read a book like this). If your pb with porn comes from your insecurity towards women, this book will definitely help (you may have heard or even read it already !) : Models by Mark Manson.
Hey, thanks for your support. It's good to hear from someone in the same situation. Sure, let's fight this thing together. If you need anyone to speak to, feel free to contact me. I think a key for me is going to be finding things to occupy my time and to focus on. The periods in my life in which I hadn't been struggling with addiction, were all times where I had a lot to do, and a balance that wasn't too stressful. I.e. I was working but not too hard or studying but with friends near-by and I was in a healthy relationship or dating etc. And it was always times where there wasn't a balance that caused me to go into my own head, procrastinate and then relapse (often for long stretches in which I became depressed and more isolated). Have you got any key ideas about the direction you're taking with regard to changing your addiction?
Hi endmystery, thanks for this information. I don't think I could manage 90 days, but I am planning on trying to reach a month for now. I think it's a great idea to watch an inspirational video every day, as one of the problems with internet porn addiction for me, is often just forgetting how devastating it can be to me and then relapsing. Good on you for getting out of the PUA scene! I think for me the issue may stem from self-esteem, but that of course ties in with relationships with women too. Perhaps I'll check out that book. Thanks for the suggestion. One thing I am planning on doing is meditation; probably just a couple of minutes a day straight after work. I find that the pron usually tempts me when I'm in a tired, non-lucid state and there is a sort of lack of clarity (and maybe a little anxiety left over from work) that causes me to drift into thinking about porn. From what I understand, meditation can make you more aware of what's going in in your mind and where your thought are taking you. Actually I saw a good video introducing this idea on youtube recently () Let me know your thoughts.
Yo man, you have stressed the main point here. That is what I am thinking about the reason of my fapping. I want to add one more point here, is that you should meet more new people e.g. me and other fighters on this path. Meeting new people will give you a positive mindset vs staying at home fapping... Pls feel free to PM me. I am welcome to add more fighters to my contact list.
@oliver3000 thanks for the video! Just watched it. Meditation can surely help in that respect as well as in many others. I liked the fact that the guy talks about writing in a journal. I absolutely journal also, I started 4 years ago and have kept on ever since. I found it to be very cathartic and helpful, of course when fighting an addiction, but also in being in touch with yourself. I just write when I feel I have too much in my head, when important things have happened and I need to look back at them calmly. It's like having an endless container in which to unload your head. When doing so, I feel like Dumbledore emptying his thoughts in his Pensieve Big fan of journal. The summary he does from most popular self-help advice is quite comprehensive. At some point, I use to binge watch, read, listen to self-help material, by the hundreds. The most important takeaways and personal beliefs I got from that orgy are : action (that is audacious, bold action) beats knowledge, intention, plan, thought any day AND there is infinite power in letting go. That last one I still struggle to grasp sometimes, cause it's subtle. "Letting go" does not at all mean stopping all efforts and be fatalist, on the contrary ! It rather means stop worrying about one's potential failure and redirecting your energy towards having faith and trust in one's actions. It means manifesting your intentions (that is, not only asserting them but boldly and massively acting upon them) and then having trust they will find a way to accomplish themselves. In short, focusing on the "why" and let the Universe take care of the "how". Stop being a control freak. I believe it is especially true in relationships. As a former PUA-wannabee, I wanted to conquer and control a girl's reaction to me. I was terrified of rejection and looking for any technique I could apply to avoid it : mostly hiding my intentions, faking disinterest, negging and all that crap. Now I believe in vulnerability : showing and share your feelings with honesty and then let it be. The greatest and counterintuitive thing about this, is : you can't ever be wrong ! Since you've been honest, all you will get are responses that align with your honesty, that is, with you, when all the other non-responsive ones will be filtered. And wasn't that all you wanted in the first place ? Sure it doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't hurt when your feelings are not shared. But from my humble personal experience, I found endless relief, power and confidence in being vulnerable in the sense of sharing myself openly and accepting the possibility of rejection. Apart from Manson's book, other resources I can recommend on the subject are : The 50th Law by Robert Greene, a book about fear following the example of 50 Cent. Great read. You know, I like to think that as difficult fighting an addiction can be, it has a very positive effect in that it opens us to know ourselves better and push us to develop healthy habits that we can use later on in other areas of our lives. Perhaps we wouldn't have developed those skills hadn't we had that problem in the first place ? Sorry for the big behemoth post haha anyway, you can count on my support, my friend !
Thanks for this post! There's a lot of great info here and you've given me a lot of to think about. I think you've hit the nail on the head with regard to taking action. This is one of my biggest problems in life (not just with porn). I can think and philosophize no problem, but when it comes to doing something about it, i often struggle. Perhaps that's the time when I should stop analyzing and worrying and just let go; have faith in the action taking me on a path that could lead to success. What you've said about vulnerability is very interesting too. I agree that there's strength in being open about your flaws and weaknesses. It's a bit of a paradox, but I can see it's important to understand and accept if you ever want to get to the root cause of your problems; addiction or otherwise. You know- I never thought about this as a form of authenticity that can empower you; in the sense that you're never wrong and therefore have less to fear, and of course that you're led down a path that is in alignment with your true self. This is something that I'll give more though to over the next few weeks. Thanks again for this and the book recommendations. I'll let you know if I come across anything particularly helpful myself. In the mean time keep me updated on your progress too, and feel free to PM me anytime!
@oliver3000 you're very welcome and I'm glad if I have been of help. Don't worry : when it comes to struggling to take massive, bold and brave action towards our goals and deepest wishes we're all in the same boat and I captain the ship haha it's crazy how hard it may seem sometimes. I think you sum it up perfectly : "have faith in the action taking me on a path that could lead to success". And thinking about this vulnerability and honesty thing (with others and yourself) was a bit of an epiphany for me, I do my best to remember that each day. Let's keep in touch for sure !
@oliver3000 I bought Noah Church's ebook Wack, I'll let you know my thoughts on this. I'm finishing Gary Wilson's Your Brain On Porn. It's informative, a bit repetitive but there are a lot of positive testimonies inside. Worth the time and the money.
Hey, thanks for the update. Definitely let me know how you get on with Noah Church's book, as I'd consider giving it a go myself. I've just ordered a copy of 'Models' by Mark Manson ( I can tell from what I've read about it, that I'm going to enjoy reading it. Cheers again for the recommendation) I can see you're at 22 days now; that's pretty impressive! I've already had one relapse since I came here (last weekend), but I can already see that my mindset and attitude is shifting. I've become acutely more aware of just how bad my thinking/behavior and attitude had become at the hands of porn (and I can see that there's still a lot that needs to change if I'm to avoid slipping back into those old patterns.)
Hey @oliver3000 thxs a lot for your support, really appreciate ! It's good that this relapse you had helped you be more aware of what you want to change in your thinking and behaviour and why. And it's good to see you already back on track now that you've associated P with personal (and not just other people's) negative emotions and consequences you are giving yourself more assets in this fight. I've finished Noah Church's book yesterday and I definitely recommend it. Thxs a lot for letting me know about the man, my friend, I owe you this good read and the inspiration that goes with it ! So I'm more than happy to share my views on it. The book first explains in a clear, vulgarized manner how porn addiction works (if you're interested in more in-depth scientific facts about it, I suggest you check out Gary Wilson's book : Your Brain On Porn, which I've finished last week, this one goes more in scientific details). Then Church goes into his own fight with PMO, quoting relatable and inspiring excerpts from his own journal. He gives a lot of good tips and powerful pieces of advice on how to win the PMO fight. The most interesting thing about that book is that it goes beyond P addiction, it encourages you to be more vulnerable, self-aware and to accept your addiction, your flaws and...as daunting and scary as it may sound, to share this with trustful ones. I was deeply inspired by that because, in a way, it aligns perfectly with Manson's book which is all about building honesty-self acceptance- and vulnerability-based relationships. So I'm very happy that you decided to read it ! Let me know your thoughts ! Cheers and thxs again for the good spirits
