Fapper for 20 years - enough

Greetings fellow warriors,

I am a 34 year old male, married and with two small kids. I have been addicted to PMO for around 20 years now, since my mid or late teens.

My first encounter with M was at elementary school climbing wooden poles in the playground. I didn´t know what I experienced back then, only that it was pleasurable. My first experience with P was looking at a still picture on my best friend´s older brother´s computer. It was back in the days with 56 kb modems, and the picture appeared line for line. I didn´t like it, it was actually boring at the time, but my curiosity of the female body was awakened, and back home I started "exploring" it myself.

Over time this curiosity evolved into PMO addiction. The problem got out of hand after I became a student. I would circle back and forth between porn, video games and watching movies instead of studying, socializing, meeting real women and generally getting some real experiences.

I could easily spend 6-7 hours or more at a time, downloading porn until I finally succumbed to O. I was picky about what I kept on my computer and painstakingly built my collection by downloading pictures and videos one by one. Sometimes I would even edit the pictures before I saved them.

After ejaculating I would be overcome with shame, feeling dirty and a failure. At that point I would often delete my collection, shower and lick my wounds by playing video games or watching a movie or two while eating junk food, as I would be too lazy too cock anything.

There were times, although rarely, where I sat up all night downloading porn and didn´t go to bed until sunrise. I would download the same movies and pictures over and over again as I kept deleting my collection. Occasionally I would amass a great porn collection but that too would eventually be deleted, as the resolve to quit was usually strong after O.

My college grades suffered (but this was not just due to PMO) and I ended up quitting two study programs before I found something I managed to complete. What really helped me with that was the fact that I got a job at the campus library and could actually study while working, as there was not much to do. But I was not an attractive graduate in the end (poor grades, no internships) and had a hard time landing a job.

I have sometimes PMOed at work as well as in our kitchen / living room while our two kids watched television. I have also looked at P while my wife sat across me on the kitchen table. All this is terrible, but this is what addiction does.

Before I continue, I should point out that as I developed my PMO addiction, I also developed a fetish for women´s underwear, particularly panties. This fetish matured as I became a student. As a student I stole a few from the laundry room in the dormitory I lived in. I would also buy them both physically in the stores, as well as online. I would spend hours browsing/looking. After doing O I would, just as I deleted my porn collection, get rid of the underwear, even if I had bought it just the day before. I would go into the woods and burn them in my little "fire ritual". After a few weeks or months the urge for women´s underwear would overwhelm me, and I would buy them again.
I remember going on holiday to a big city in another country famous for shopping. I did some tourist things, but in honesty my main goal was to go to shopping for underwear. I went to all the department stores and bought lots of underwear. If I saw a nice woman with a tight nice ass I would try to discreetly follow her. After doing this routine for 2-3 days you can imagine I became tired. I was obsessed and all but possessed. As I was walking behind one particular woman another woman came up to me and asked me if everything was alright, if I was ok. I probably looked sick to her.

Back home: I have only ever been with my wife. It was not a marriage of love, at least not on my part. I have always been a thinker, a contemplative, and I rationalized my way into the relationship (she was the one who took the initiative). The relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend was never good, and we broke up several times. But I was inexperienced in love, far too kind, and a coward. I didn´t know how to deal with her mental issues at the time. I was a fool to marry her, yet somehow it happened and felt as the right thing to do at the time. What started out as a "just ok" marriage is now a very unhappy marriage. I have never felt chemistry with her. She has an anger issue, overreacts, and becomes violent when angry. For example, just a few days ago we argued and I ended up saying something which I knew would upset her. She spat on me repeatedly. I wrestled her to the floor to avoid potential kicking, biting, etc., which she has done in the past, as well as spitting back on her once (yes I know, not a good thing to do, but I lost control and have little to no patience left for her now). This happened right in front of our youngest child. I then went into the bathroom and locked the door to take a shower (her spitting on me was a good excuse to get away from her). While in the bathroom she placed, it must have been books I think, in front of the door all the way up to the door handle so that you couldn´t pull it down. She also turned off the lights. I was then trapped in that room for 1 hour or so, until she finally calmed somewhat down and removed whatever she had put there. (btw, this was not the first time I have been trapped by her). In the evening she wanted to reconcile, get hugs, etc. I usually cave in to avoid upsetting her and new "episodes".

So, sorry for the "terrible marriage / wife" rant, the reason I mention it is merely because of the following: So you see, I have a very strong sexual desire, but I am not attracted to my wife in any way, neither physically or emotionally. Because of our two kids I feel stuck in this marriage. PMO has become an escape from my miserable marriage (read day to day life, except for my two kids) and I find it hard to redirect my sexual energy (frustration) into something positive in this kind of situation. I do not usually like even being in the same room as my wife in the evening after the kids have gone to bed, so I have often found myself simply waiting for her to go to bed so that I can get some time alone and away from it all.

My PMO addiction (entirely my fault) is at least partially responsible for ending up in this miserable situation. Young people out there, quit while you are young and free, use your heart for all love-related things, and don´t get kids before you know you are (sexually) compatible with your girlfriend (yes, obvious advice to most I guess, but if I can help just one it is worth to repeat it).

The way I see it I have two options now, either wait a few more years until the kids are a bit bigger and then get a divorce and then try to find a new partner and get a (sexually) fulfilling relationship which will eliminate my need for porn, or go "monk mode" and try to give up on sex altogether. I am not ready for divorce just yet so option two it is.

Sorry about the long post and if it is "too negative" sounding. I have delayed writing this for a long time (also due to low self confidence and fear of opening up), and now, having written it, I know there is a big chance I relapse tonight, as I have stirred up some uncomfortable emotions now and feel pity for myself. So I might just surf some online lingerie stores and fantasize about women I could have been with in a different reality. But that is fine, having written this, my next step is to start a journal of my progress. I do believe writing a journal and documenting one´s progress and thoughts along the path of recovery is helpful. I have been commenting on the Reddit subforum for a month or two already, but using Reddit on my phone is distracting in itself, so I´d rather use this forum now.

Okay, enough for now. Thanks for reading this far. Good luck to us all in fighting this beast called PMO.

Edit: my journal (documenting my journey, writing it mainly for myself as a therapeutic "thing" (english not my first language)
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/nebukanz-journal.195631/

 

Thank you for taking the time to both read and offer your thoughts and advice. Some of them are harsh, but that´s what I need I guess, and I know your intention is good. It is only my inflated ego which interpret your advice as harsh as a defense mechanism. Opening up the way I did makes me feel vulnerable and insecure. This is why I didn´t check this post in several days. I also thought about editing my original post to leave out some of the more personal details. But just like I have appreciated reading other people´s journeys I thought the community as well as my own interest is best served with unfiltered truth, even though it makes me feel embarrassed and hurt (I have had low self esteem since my teenage years so that´s another issue in the mix). The fact that I wrote the post is a testament to my seriousness in trying to improve. Imagine 90 days from now how different my life could be. This is my hope.

Yes, you are right that my wife is not to blame for my issues. As much as I don´t want to focus on my wife at all in this thread she has an undeserving part to play. She is a victim too. That being said, objectively speaking she is not my type physically either, so even if everything was alright between us I would still not be attracted to her. It´s like she is a pear and I like apples and most women I see are apples. I know I am objectifying here, but apart from my PMO addiction and the skewed values I got from that, I am actually quite virtuous. I assume this is why you sense my shame, etc.. I have a hard time accepting myself.

Yes, you are right about the panties and women´s reaction to it. I have read about this, and many would not like it, including my wife, but she has endured. If I had just found my wife physically attractive and if she had just been a bit more into lingerie herself I would not need to wear them myself, I tell myself. This adds to my resentment towards my wife. The logic in that reasoning is questionable, I agree. I am trying to build up enough momentum here to do another "fire ritual" and get a boost which I hope this time can propel me to finally conquering this beast. Opening up and posting here has a part in that.

 

I am not seeing anyone for help. I am very introverted, I have this attitude of not sharing my problems with others, so I try to work out my own issues. I would´nt mind to share and open up to others in an "anonymous alcoholics" kind of group, where other people with PMO issues could come together and support each other. I really think that would be very useful. But the idea of going to a psychologist or something is something I would never do. Since I do not know of any "anonymous porn addicts" group where I live this forum is the second best option.

Was PMO the source of your divorce (I will read your introductory post later, no time/privacy now). Where did you seek help? Yes, the children suffer the most, this is the saddest truth..I try to shield them, but sometimes, particularly when/if my wife "loses it" and becomes very aggressive/violent, they sometimes see it, and its terrible. Wife is coming, gotta go now, thanks for commenting.

 

Yes, it was hard to write. The first time I thought about sharing my experience/issues here was several months ago, but it was only now I managed to do it. Having followed the subreddit and read people´s stories there helped and inspired me to give something back to this fantastic community. I enjoy reading other people´s stories as well, the more honest and open the better, as they at least for me tend to become more relatable that way. That´s probably because I feel so low myself. By admitting my problem here I believe I have taken an important first step, as any outsider reading this will see "wow, that guy has some issues, he is a failure, etc". Hammering down the ego like this I think is conducive to recovery, but of course, only as I can remain anonymous online hehe

 

Thanks for sharing. You are not hijacking at all, I have already shared my story so I have not much to add.

My wife also has some issues stemming from bad experiences with her father when she was a kid (they are good now). It´s very hard for people to change. Although I find my wife unreasonable many times, I try to accept her and remind myself that I should try to change myself rather than expect her to change. But of course, this kind of patience should go both ways.

My wife knows about my PMO addiction as I told her early on, but I don´t want to tell her about Nofap as I dont want her to read my posts about her, hence I have to be a bit careful in how and when I go here. My wife feels my looking at P is like cheating and blames P and my lying about it for her anger issues. Yes I lie about it, not because I want to hurt her, but because I want to protect my ego and because I dont feel a strong connection to her. Everyone can make excuses though, we have to work on ourselves.

But I am curious, if you find your wife beautiful, why do you look at P? Couldn´t you just ask her to strip for you or something, and you could rewire your brain that way? My wife is not my type, so if she were to do that it would not be fulfilling. When she did that in the past I would look at P for the "real deal" later on the very same night. But if I found her beautiful and we also had chemistry I think my battle against PMO would be much easier. So I am assuming you perhaps also lack that chemistry? Or maybe I´ll get the answers I am looking for when I read your post later on. Anyway, thanks for sharing and keep counting! you are way ahead of me, don´t let me catch up!

 

YES YES YES. You nailed it in both your paragraphs. It was reading other people´s personal stories (and successes) in the subreddit that finally inspired me and gave me the courage to share my own, even though it was hard. I am very happy you found it useful.

Yes, If I cannot have a very good friend or partner whom I feel I can be totally open with and share my vulnerability with, there is no way I´ll pretend someone wants to be that friend/partner simply because I am giving them money. Besides, having studied Buddhism and meditation, I´d rather listen to a dharma talk from an advanced yogi rather than some random scholar. I mean, imagine if I had decided to become a psychologist rather than an economist. Imagine you going to me to be cured for PMO. Haha. How can we know the psychologist himself has his house in order..

 

Yes, I cannot stand to have it on my computer either. Whenever I keep it on my computer I find myself being drawn to it, and then a sneak peak ends up being a lot more. Because of this behavior the act of downloading porn has become the porn itself. At least some times it was like this. I spent hours looking for specific videos to download, and would then O to the screenshot of that clip. Sometimes I would spend hours trying to look for a specific video. When I didn´t find it I suffered. Recently I found one of those videos on pornhub and it was like meeting an old friend. Sad but true.

Thank you, I am already doing well today, spending all my spare time writing here rather than browsing online lingerie stores.