I need some advice about a woman.

Speaking frankly:

One thing I wish I had learned better and practiced when I was younger was empathy and selflessness. I think there’s a huge lack of those two character traits and the world suffers for it.

You asked what we think and here goes, care for this woman, encourage her, and think of ways to make her life better off because she spent time with you. It sounds like she needs encouragement. Think about her, not so much about yourself.

If she gives you solid reason to end the relationship, i.e. bad character or harmful habits then fine, end the relationship. But physical ailments IMO is not a reason to end a relationship.

My opinion of course and take what you will from it.

 

Oh my God... Selflessness is the first ingredient of regret, my friend. Don't ever be a doormat to the woes and worries of the world. That is masochistic.

This isn't a "physical ailment" like having smoker's lung. This is FUCKING HIV. Jesus.

@TravelingJourneyer Look, you need to seriously sit down with YOURSELF (not anyone else) and decide what you want out of life. Do you want kids with HIV? Do you want to risk contracting HIV? There are measures to mitigate both possibilities, sure, but they require dedication and concentration that will detract from other aspects of your life. You are taking on an amazing responsibility that you NEED to be ready for. Anything less is unacceptable.

This isn't a game.

You can take precautions to ensure your baby doesn't contract HIV. There are methods available to do this, but you will have to put in the research and conversations with a doctor in order to be sure that they will work. I understand that there are couples who manage very well with the treatments available today.

But, you know what? That is not the issue. Everyone can handle things going well. The REAL ISSUE is: are you ready to put in the time and focus to manage things when they go wrong?

This, as far as I am concerned, is a very big life step. And it deals with someone you only know on the surface. I'm not saying ditch her. By all means, continue dating and discovering more and more about her. I would give the caveat of not having casual sex freely, but, yeah, learn about her psychology, interests, politics, desires, etc. Then, decide if you love her enough to give your entire life to her.

You don't "owe" anyone anything. You don't owe her sympathy, or compassion, or even love. You DID NOT GIVE HER HIV.

Anyone who tells you to stick with her out of a misguided valuation of empathy is irrational. This is YOUR LIFE, not hers. If you want her to be a part of it, it is up to you. Men are always sacrificing so much, and that is an honorable path, but don't ever sacrifice for anyone, or anything, that does not deserve the sacrifice. The world should earn your trust, and dedication, and respect, just like how you have had to earn everything that you cherish in your own life. Don't have double standards for everyone and everything else. Be consistent and true to yourself.

It is not your problem if you hurt her feelings. You can't save everyone on earth. In fact, if you know you won't be up to any part of it, then slow down now -- and end the relationship if you have to -- because it will be better for her in the long run to be with someone willing to take the responsibility.

But, again, there are successful couples. Here's one of many websites that discuss the issue: Couples With Mixed HIV Status (2014)

There are avenues for either choice you make. So, make sure the choice is the one you want.

Good luck, man.

 

I am 51 years old and firmly believe that if I had more of these two traits over the years I'd be in a better place today.

Empathy and Selflessness can get you a lot further than you think. Try it.

Callousness and Selfishness are choices that everyone is of course free to make. But once again, my opinion, I think they are wrong choices.

I suspect we will be continuing to disagree on this and that's fine. I am thankful that we all have the opportunities to share our opinions.

 

Well, look, this is very much off topic, but if you only operate on selflessness you will be a doormat. That is an evolutionary fact. Selfishness, at least, preserves resources and the reproductive line. Selfishness takes care of yourself and your family. Selfishness gives you the promotion over the competition in the work force.

Be selfless with some people, fine, but as a "life value" it is masochistic. If you have hurt people in your life, I am sure you have your reasons for regretting selfishness, but I would argue that you should have been even more selfish -- and not even have dealt with those people at all. Or, maybe you have other reasons. Regardless, we should be somewhere like 25% selfless to 75% selfish with our daily interactions (I pulled the percentages out of my ass, of course, but they are good starting points).

Young people are actually more self-less today, and that is why you have degeneracy, political correctness, the migrant crisis, and a falling away of traditional social conventions. Egalitarian humanism is the direct result of psychological altruism. That is my reasoning behind my philosophy. I think conservation and greed bring better benefits than unfiltered generosity.

But, yeah, I'm glad we can share our views. Good luck to you, too, in your pursuit of selflessness in your sagely years.

 

Thats rough. You expressed the dilemma you have accurately and realistically and thats a good start. How deep is your relationship if you didnt even met her? Do you plan on having kids? I dont think that HIV is necessarily a reason to end a relationship, but it takes an amazing relationship to get through it. Or you could take the martyr route. I was selfless for the first half of my life and i learned thats risky and rewarding enough on average as being a selfish prick. There is no guarantees.

 

Good luck to you too. We are all wanting to be free from PMO addiction and we should all remember that when ever we interact with each other.

K sorry everyone for the thread derailment.

As far as the OP, where is he? Let us know how things are going.

 

Dude, you're 19. Get those results. If she has HIV, you need to look out for yourself and find another fish in this sea. You haven't even met her! If you had already met her and you loved her and it was only something like herpes or HPV that isn't life-threatening and doesn't require massive medical care costs, then I'd say it's just your decision. If someone has a lethal incurable disease like HIV or hepatitis, then you need to put your own health and safety first!

 

...I mean, I think you should be a man about it and tell her the truth, but, yeah, take the reigns on this one yourself.

You don't have to up and ghost her, just be firm and honest. Tell what you've thought about and why you made the decision. If you're genuine, then you made the experience valuable -- to both of you.

Good luck on this, man.

 

Maybe I'm missing something, but shouldn't the decision wait for until after she gets tested and finds out whether she has or doesn't have HIV ?

I agree that you shouldn't feel that you must stay with her as her partner, but don't know, maybe remain friends ...

 

As this is someone you have never met, I would call this a day. HIV is not something to mess with. It is a devasting disease.

This also sounds strange to me that a woman would not be aware of this situation. If she genuinely has HIV parents she would have been having tests her whole life. She would know.

This sounds to me as if she has contracted HIV and is testing the waters to see what your reaction is

 

You mentioned in another thread that you've never met her and now you have more reasons of why you two possibly can't be together even if you did meet her.

Sounds as if you like unavailable women.