Ready to start a new life

Earlier this afternoon I deleted 60 gb of pornography off of my laptop. I didn't give myself time to second guess myself. I clicked through the files as fast as I could, barely looking at the file icons and names. As I emptied my recycling bin, I felt as though I had found a small reason to love myself again. The fog was beginning to clear. I'm ready to start a new life.
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My story

I'm a 22 year old Korean American male living in New England. I discovered porn maybe when I was about 8 years old. My life was never the same. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'd run home from school to watch porn and masturbate until my parents came home. I re-read parts of books that would arouse me. I re-watched movie scenes that would arouse me. I remember literally masturbating while reading through a dictionary for words related to sex. I was caught by my parents a few times. Each time I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and disgusted with myself. Of course, that wasn't enough to stop the growing temptations. I eventually got my own laptop, my own smartphone, and my own room. Things were getting worse and worse.

As I got older, my sexual fantasies grew darker and darker. Some of the things I've done are so shameful I can't even bring myself to post them in this confession. My life was spinning out of control, but only the side of my life that I had to face when I was alone. When I was with friends, I was a completely different person. I was funny. I was athletic. I was the concert master in my high school's orchestra. My porn addiction didn't feel like a problem because things were still going great for me socially and academically. Despite the things I was watching when I was alone, I was able to justify it by convincing myself that I was still a well functioning individual.

Enter college.

I'm now suddenly tasked with having to introduce myself to all new people for the first time in many many years. I don't know what to do. I start to realize that the person I was in high school was nothing but a mask I had created to hide my porn habits from my friends and classmates. I couldn't recreate the mask, so I created a new one. I became a classic college stoner. I made friends and my life continued as normal.

I would stay masked in the daytime, then I would stay up until 4 am every night watching porn while smoking weed. It didn't matter that I had roommates. I was out of control. I masturbated every single night of college, hiding it from my roommate as best I could. The feelings of shame, humiliation and disgust were seeping into my social life. It was becoming harder and harder to remember which masks to wear for different groups of people. I was beginning to feel more and more like the nighttime porn-addicted monster during my daily life. It prevented me from meeting new people and joining in on social activities. After all, why would anyone want to be around a disgusting person like me? By the time I graduated, I had lost contact with over half of my friends from college. I only talked to the people I lived with in my apartment.

Graduated life (present day)

It's been about 3 months since I graduated college. I got a job right out of school working as a writer for a tech company in Boston. Everybody who I was still close with praised me for my hard work and the great career opportunity. Despite all my achievements, my addiction was only getting worse. I was masturbating several times a day, sometimes in the handicap stall at work. I couldn't focus. I was losing control of my life. I had several anxiety attacks at work, fearing that I might lose my job if I kept thinking about porn and masturbating in the bathroom. Thankfully, I wasn't stupid enough to look up porn on my work computer.

I am no longer a healthy person. My cross country runner's physique has been replaced by puffed up cheeks and I have a belly that hangs over all of my pants. I suffer anxiety attacks more frequently than ever these days. I feel that I've basically lost the ability to communicate with others. I live in an apartment with one friend from college. He has no idea about my addiction. I'm feeling as if my whole life has been tainted, darkened, and stunted from this horrible addiction. I need to make a change.

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The future

I ran a 5k over the weekend. My time was 29:50, over ten minutes slower than my PR in high school. I am attempting to get back into the habit of running daily, or at least every other day. I am tracking my nutrition using apps on my phone. I've cut soda and alcohol out of my life. I feel like I have serious personal adjustments I have to make before I'm ready to step out into the world again, but I'm on my way.

As I said, I've deleted my porn and I've resolved to never watch pornography again. It's taken so much away from me. It consumed my very identity. It consumed my whole life. I won't ever let something have that sort of hold over me ever again. As I write this, my spirits are high. The catharsis of writing out this confession is invigorating. I feel invincible right now. I'll try to remember this golden, warm feeling during the dark times that are to come. During the sleepless nights that are bound to haunt me as I will myself not to succumb to the demons of my previous life.

If you've read this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to my story. I've never told a soul about the magnitude of this addiction, so this posting is a hugely significant milestone. The first stepping stone towards rebirth. I'll be asking for your help often. There will be times when I'll be so overwhelmed with temptation and anxiety that I may seem irritable and unreasonable. For this, I'm sorry. As I write this, I am feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Not temptation. Not anxiety. I'm overwhelmed by a sense of pure, genuine relief that I haven't felt in years.

Thank you all so much for what you do here. Thank you for extending a hand to those like myself, who have felt like there was no place for them in this world.