Two years ago my husband and I nearly divorced.Because of OUR infidelities. We’ve been in couples therapy and I’ve been in my own private therapy for 2 years What started out as the discovery of my infidelity (first) and then uncovered my husband’s emotional infidelity (2 1/2 years of texting and phone calls to ex girlfriend)and in turn led me to the discovery of his porn habits. We have been married for 12 years and I’ve always known he’s looked at porn. From the beginning of our engagement I knew he had DVDs. I approached him gave them a boatload of shit back then. I wanted to watch and be apart of it. Not behind my back. And then I guess it all went underground and I never thought it was a very big deal because that’s just what men do. I WAS a very secure woman who trusted and felt truly loved. My husband had a pretty good handle on everything, no pun intended, he honestly would not be able to hide as much is he has hidden early on. The birth of our first child is probably the beginning where it went a little haywire for him (2008), so I suspect . But I discovered his frequency when I was spying on seeing if he was still having communication with his ex-girlfriend (January 2017)that he was having an emotional affair with for two years. For the record I thought that was my big problem. Finding out if she still existed and how she managed to work her way into our lives. Now that I know that she’s long gone and history and not even a thought and I truly believe that and blue trust every part of that statement . In the last year I have been playing this tug-of-war this game. I looked through his devices and I find him looking at shit. I found that he looked up a former trainer at his gym. I confronted him he felt horrible. But I also realize that every time we were watching a movie and there was an actress on he would look up her shit that evening. I don’t think… No I know he doesn’t think he has a problem. My therapist knows it’s bullshit his therapist well he’s only going to work twice. Our marriage therapist knows… Don’t get mad gentleman but it’s a guy and on some level unless you’re an addict yourself or really deal with porn addicts you sort and normalize this bullshit. I think our marriage therapist is excellent just not knowledgeable in this area. I looked through his devices I catch him then I’m betraying his trust by looking through shit. I can’t confront him because I’m betraying her trust. I’m scared and I’m tired of this. Everything I’m reading in this forum and the audiobook almost finished listening to as open my eyes. I know as soon as I say this I’m going to get jumped on but if that’s what it takes pile on the rabbit. I don’t know how severe his addiction is ??? He did experience a wreck tile dysfunction three years ago and I attributed to the fact that he could smell the scent of my physical and emotional affair all over me. And I don’t mean literally I just mean that he sends the presence of me distancing and it made me insecure and it fit into a lot of things. he did experience a wreck tile dysfunction three years ago and I attributed to the fact that he could smell the scent of my physical and emotional affair all over me. And I don’t mean literally I just mean that he sends the presence of me distancing and it made me insecure and it fit into a lot of things He went to a urologist he was tested he’s had his hormone panel done he no longer experiences ED or premature ejaculation at all and he doesn’t last forever so I don’t see him as someone who has done excessive edging . We have two small children they require a lot of attention and our house is extremely small not many places for him to hide to be doing stuff like this. When it does take place when we’re not home and it’s rare that we’re not. He feel such and saying shame when he’s confronted on any of this sexuality that it almost makes it worse when I say anything. If I ever introduced him to this forum he would shit eggrolls. . It is not my addiction but it affects me the problem is is that our whole world is upside down and it does put us on a little bit of a roller coaster. We are sexually connected we are intimate we are loving we are caring and we’ve been going to therapy for two years. The layers of their shit… When I read the comment of the death grip..... I cringed and whimpered because it leads to his particular taste how he prefers me to use during certain acts I don’t think he’s so severe and the reason is if he was I know our marriage therapist would’ve confronted him. Please help me
Hello! First of all kudos for coming here and telling your story it's a brave thing to do and I admire that you have taken this route. I do have some firsthand experience of this having been in a loving relationship myself yet continuing to use porn not understanding how it affected me and my ex partner. Only on reflection have I learnt that yes I have an unhealthy porn addiction and it has led me down this path. When me and my ex were together she randomly asked me one day if I looked at porn and I admitted to it. She FLIPPED! Unfortunately she was very insecure and had jealousy issues, and it caused a lot of stress between us. She made me promise to not watch it. I promised and I did try but I failed. Then the guilt kicked in and I became ashamed of it. I could never bring myself to tell her again until towards the end when I had to break up with her because everything was getting too much to handle. By then I knew I had an unhealthy obsession with porn. In fact I experienced Erectile Dysfunction too at the healthy age of 29... for two weeks I couldn't get it up despite having my beautiful gf next to me. It was because of the porn usage, and the guilt and building anxiety surrounding sex because of it. I too used to secretively look up hot actresses and such, including searching for nudes, and I'd do this whilst my gf was in the bathroom. It really was disgusting behaviour. She too used to snoop on my phone, I would let her because I was very careful to hide my history but one time I didn't and she found an image open of a model and flipped out over that. As for the death grip, it could just be a kink, but it could be a kink developed out of the porn usage. I do think your husband probably has an unhealthy relationship with porn considering the parallels to my experience. My advice would be to treat it delicately. What you need to do is make him realise he has an unhealthy relationship with porn and work with him to overcome it. I really wish I had gone that route with my ex. You could do this by casually and calmly bringing up different questions such as 'why do you like the death grip?' or even just say 'oh I read an article today about porn addiction'. They key is to not be direct so you're not 'attacking him' but you want to invoke that shame that comes with porn addiction and that it is actually a thing. A lot of people don't realise it is. If you can get him thinking that, then maybe he'll do his own research? But be supportive. Hope this helps and best of luck to you!
I was touched to read the story of your struggle as a mother. Remembering my teacher once said "even a hard-rock can break if exposed to water droplets in a very long time", meaning here to face someone who is very hard establishment then often we need patience. The thing that in my experience can change my false beliefs is, when I realize that the actions I have done have a bad effect on myself or in an easier word, I one day slipped and I realized that it was the result of my actions. That is where I am able to change even as hard as I am to my ego. Here we discuss the relationship between husband and wife, from my point of view may initially be beautiful wife is the main thing but no, there is more powerful than, which is "a concern from a woman". I am very touched to see your level of concern to your husband, maybe even I want to marry a woman like you (just a picture). To be honest, I'm very secret about this to women, why? I am afraid that some of them are motivated to get my heart because they are interested in the money I have for example, and then among them, there are intentions to pretend to care about me (but in the end just use my money after that they go, for example). The point is I believe that "marriage" is a gift between the relationships of men and women to be maintained. Moreover, in moments of marital relations until age dusk. Maybe your children will be big and have busy each, and then you and your husband live together at home, the only moment of struggle where husband and wife care for each other and take care of each other (as a test of marriage vows). I am very sorry maybe my little exposure above is less polite because I myself have not had experience in a relationship. These are all just honest opinions from my point of view, for some reason I can freely pour it out in this forum. Hoping a little support from me at least someday may ease your struggle, I pray for your family happiness, @overwhelmed & Aware. Best Regard, @respecttoArt
@overwhelmed & Aware the best sign i think for your husband is if he shows a willingness and beyond that a desire to change and fight his addiction. if that's not there yet, that's step 1. if you can somehow encourage him guide him to that point, support him. maybe even asking your private therapist directly how you might be able to foster an environment on your end that would encourage him to change his ways and fight this thing if you haven't already. going on this site shows you care and that's awesome. thanks for what you do as a wife and mother, it's admirable. Best of wishes, you got this!
Yes Yes The answer is yes all feedback is helpful. And the support it provides helps me to know that I’m not wrong in my deep concerns for my husband. Between my uncovering of his increased viewing and through careful detective work of what triggers him to go to it,It is a source of “comfort” a distraction from stress and emotional pain. AND 2 years of my own therapy helped me. However fucking hard and painful it feels to be personal TO ME, it is most certainly NOT. I initially tied my value,my body, face, sensuoality all as inadequate BECAUSE he still wanted that in addition to me. To many SO in this forum: My self esteem was so low that I would STUDY STUDY!!! The women in the porn. Considered altering parts of myself to mimic them. ♀️I can give you an honest embarrassing list of the shit I was doing and considered doing. I was killing myself emotionally and food restrictions and working out 14 days stretches no rest! Then some manipulative charming man from my past payed attention to me. I selfishly enjoyed and chased the attention. 2 years a therapy to earn my husband’s trust back and to stop hating myself for my infidelity. And fully own my part in damaging our trust. I digress The real eye opener to how serious this porn thing effects the brain chemistry and what fuels the compulsion came from listening to this book Your Brain On Porn Gary Wilson It is on audible 5 hours long. I powered through 4 hours Fucking frightening! And that’s how I found this forum! Don’t laugh at me please But as much as my husband is deluding himself that he doesn’t have a concerning issue. Because he cut wayyy the fuck back on it. He has plenty of hope and ability to not have this consume him. Getting him to not feel such shame is the key. I love him. Thank you for your encouragement RESPECT and vulnerability
Hi @overwhelmed & Aware, I might do a mistake at the first time I comment your thread since I don't understand how bad is your exact condition in the real life. I think you pressed your self too hard. First, some article on Internet (based on a local article in my country) was told me if your husband watching porn is normal IF he wants to learn and get more sexual satisfaction with you as his wife (this is not 100% true but still can be tolerated). BUT, IF your husband started to do what you explained at the first time, "having communication with his ex-girlfriend" or more simple rude "secret date with other woman than me" (sorry) this one is not good (since you explain if feel annoyed with that = you ACCEPT if that is WRONG), normally you must catch on eye and stop him but be ease don't let your self out of control. maybe slowly guide him to keep a distance with the place or something that triggers it to happen, or take him home early if he has activities outside the home. I think you overdo it. Again, be the ease with your self, my teacher was said "do the things right, do the right things", maybe we here don't know what is exact mean on "the things right" and "the right things" based on your case. but at least your self, based on this thread if you already know if you admitted that some of what you did is wrong. I suggest you read more article with a keyword "how to satisfy my husband" rather than "how to be a p*rn girl" it means you can focus on your husband, don't let any other people out of your family manipulate you to do the wrong things. Another solution is to ask for help from your TRUSTED brother, sister, neighbors, or friends (that was married and have a solid family relationship). Maybe I'm over-responded your comment, I don't mean that, hope my explanation is clear for you. Good luck!Regard,
I honestly wish you the best in luck in dealing with this. I feel such shame and guilt about how I behaved in my last relationship and it hurts (still does) to think how that must have felt for my ex in actuality. For me, it was a normal thing to do, because likewise, starting young and it has been normalised in society but no one ever talks about how it affects your brain and how it will change your perspective towards sex on a subconscious level.
Number one you cannot change what you did in the past. I know that better than anyone because I cheated on my husband . I’ve stop beating myself up about it and he has forgiven me a great deal. And our problems do not lie in trouble when it comes to thinking that other people had any effect on us. Our larger issues stem from our childhoods. Like I said previously our marriage and his dysfunction is multi faceted complicated and very layered . There is my stuff that I have to sort out my own narrative and insecurities and dysfunction, and there is his family and what they’ve created and how was manifested in his way of having a relationship. His father was kind of a bully not in the traditional sense where you feel he was physical more of an intimidating person did not show much love. He had no guidance no role model to show him what it is to have a relationship to be well-adjusted man . He is super introverted incredibly shy and was a chubby kid never saw himself as attractive. So meeting women was never his strong suit. Couple that with the fact that his mom had her own issues he went to many things for comfort in his teenage years . Sports, comic books, Star Wars his friend not many and he discovered playboy in his best friends basement hold stackable probably when he was about 12 or 13 So he did not have streaming porn really thank God for that Yes is porn bullshit is causing me a ton of fucking pain. I remind myself constantly is it really about me Bullseye would affect me directly the most out of anybody, Besides him. He honestly did not think he was doing a single fucking thing wrong and I know this because he said stupid conversations or emails with some of his friends talking about actresses. There’s evidence of encouragement except ability normalization. I was honest I told him I read an email between him and his friend. And I said too much if you have any motherfucking I Dia how devastated his wife would be if she saw him talking about this random girl. It would crush her . I’m trying to love him and be tender and understanding and treating it like well and addiction to food let’s say it’s not the same as alcohol. Unless we move on a deserted island castaway you have to live with the Internet you have to live in every type of job possible using computers and sell phones
Miss my palm You are brave you are strong and you are remorseful. You see the pain I’m going through and you wish you go back in a time machine and spare your ex the pain. That makes you a good man. Very good man. You’re not a monster you’re not a freak you were not intentionally cruel you’re human .❤️ You’re going to be awesome suffering in silence and you’re doing the right things. Thank you Right now I had to deal with my husband he get so low I feel like such a piece of garbage when he’s even approach that he doesn’t even think you deserve love . My current choices at the come sit in silence supper let the situation continue speak up he has a gigantic shame spiral not much comes out of it I love him too much I’m not giving up. I just wish I had more answers as to see a little more the path ahead of us. I love him too much I’m not giving up. I just wish I had more answers if you see a little more the path ahead of us But that’s the thing about love and vulnerability is messy it’s difficult but it’s the messy that makes it wonderful Brené Brown
Yes, no matter what happened in the past, we can only try the best in the future. With technology, as the existence of the Internet may have poisoned many people. As a reminder, even the deadly venomous snakes, in it God still provides the vaccine as an antidote < I will attach it as my signature on my profile. The Internet is not only there is dangerous content in it, it also available various kinds of advice and guidance from various human circles. I'm happy to read your comments above and believe you'll be fine in the future, by reading your story I can get an advice one or two or maybe more, Cheers.
Thank you for your kind words. It's stuff like this that helps get me through my struggle. I am fighting this painful battle inside but I know it is the right thing to do, for myself and for my future. I do wish I'd realised sooner but can't change the facts. I hope you can work with your husband to make him understand the issue and work towards the light too.
