Struggling SO of PA

I think it’s good for a wake up call to leave at least for a time... It’s something they have to want to change and the consequences of doing it have to be worth it. It gives you space to heal also... and gives the PA time to evaluate his life and get help. I have no regrets. When I found out he’d been lying for our whole relationship- 7 years... and there’s more to the story... I turned in paperwork to be legally separated... he’s working very hard on his problems and he seems motivated.

 

So very sorry to hear you find yourself in this difficult situation. Other SO's will undoubtedly give you better advice.

What I would offer is this: Think about the consequences you are comfortable laying out. Don't threaten to do anything that you are not willing to do. And do act on what you say you will do. It's very helpful for both parties moving forward to actually see that you mean what you say. Stay with something small, but meaningful if that helps you both get accustomed to this truth. Maybe leave for a night? Maybe stop making dinner for a week? It can be anything. But threatening to do something and then not doing it won't get you where you want to be.

Regarding him... Does he recognize that he had a problem? Would he find this site a good place to find some advice?

Thoughts are with you. Stay strong. Lots of people have made significant, positive progress in difficult relationships.

 

For me personally, exposing my addiction was massively shameful, embarrassing, neutering, etc. I didn't know where to start to get help and while I'm doing better, I wish that I'd had some direction in the beginning. I don't think suggesting this site is out of line at all. There will be plenty of work he has to do on his own. A nudge here and there isn't a bad idea. But just a nudge.

While you didn't ask for this situation, hate it, are simply a victim of it, you probably still have a vested interest in him getting help. You want him to be healthy, honest and sexual with you.
Whatever you can do to help him I think would be valuable.

That being said, ALL if your emotions are valid, important and meaningful. You always need to take care of yourself FIRST. This will mean, as you have, relating your personal pain.

If it might help, maybe he could send me a private message to try to get him started?

 

My GF is complaining about me talking less, too. And when I do, she usually can't really cope with what I tell her. That's the reason for me doubting, if talking with the partner helps that much.
But at least a bit talking is necessary, I guess. You need to find out, if porn consumption is affecting your relationsip negatively and if he really is addicted.
How much does he watch porn?
Does he prefer watching porn instead of being intimate with you?

Also I'd question your own motivation: Do you want him to stop, just because you feel, you arn't "enough" for him?
This is a matter of believe, of course, but I personally believe that watching porn occasionally does not make him unfaithful nor addicted.

I'd probably ask him to watch "you brain on porn" on youtube. It's pretty mindblowing when you realize how it actually does or can affect you. Maybe he'll be thoughtful after that and maybe that's a good start to change something.