a brief on my long story

Hi fapstronauts,

I'm sorry this post is so long and m not good at essay writing, I summarized and skipped out some details to make it shorter. I’m from Nigeria.

I just want to drop what's been disturbing me all my life in fact this is my only problem in life. I used to be brilliant in high school, I used to be very free with everybody, I was one of the noisiest persons in my school but now I'm extremely awkward scared of meeting people I also don't like/find it very difficult going to school or any other crowded place or even going to places where I know I'd meet people who've noticed my weirdness or anxiety, I miss classes, I think too much, have anxiety of almost everything, very low confidence, my concentration & memory was very poor (i regained it tho in my prev streak) I don’t take pics with people nor do I take selfies, I cry approx once every 10 days I get extremely nervous when around people, sometimes i have so much thoughts (-ve ones) I'd want to scream in my pillow just to calm me down. I'm a Christian and my mum is esp religious. Truly this whole thing has affected my spiritual life. I started pmo at 14, was introduced to p videos but i hated it, but accidentally saw some images on one guys fone which kick started my enthusiasm for p**n. I started checking out pics here and there looking at features in opp s*x soon i started to m and overtime was watching full blown p**n. Fap frequency was 2-6 times a day, While all these were happening I was confused if I am sinning or not, few wks later I heard in church that it's a grave sin. So I prayed to God for forgiveness and promised I’d never do it, but my best then was 3days this repeated severally and I thought God will be so angry with me cos I was failing almost every day just after I've finished praying and promising Him, I felt God might think I'm taking him for granted so I promised Him if I ever do it He should never forgive me no matter what, but put me in hell (I didn't know anything about addiction), soon urges became so strong with time, I failed. This was very bad for me it affected me for some time till I came across some msgs about God that gave me hope. So I assumed I'd probably quit when I’m 18. I joined the workforce (choir) in my mum's new church and soon they always kicked against this sin with great hatred so I went to one leader and told him i have issues with pmo he said it could land me on the black seat (seats for workers who committed adultery/fornication , one could be on this for a month during all church meetings) but he probably did not know i was addicted so he (took it lightly) said I'd be able to stop it very soon with prayers. I contd to try and fail but one time i tried fasting and praying reading the bible freq i went 6 days then failed. It was the highest till i knew nofap. Usually after going a few days and relapsing I'd fap to revenge. During this time i observed that I'd have a p**n dream after just 4days of abstaining. One big reason for many relapses.

Fast 4wd to when I found nofap (after i prayed hard one day and challenged God for letting this happen to me) 2 years ago, i was shocked, i was like 'so there are people like me' (used to be soo ashamed of M i couldn't tell the friend who first showed me p that i do M). I read about people who have similar experience. Thank God I found Nofap at that time, probably would have committed suicide due to my confusion and feelings of being alone in this. By this time i had guilt, anxiety, low confidence, i couldn't go to market, can’t walk across a street with people or no people during the day time and i was always feeling like a hypocrite. Started nofap was having good streaks like 7, 9 10 12 days. In fact i was shaking throughout the entire day for the first time i reached 11 days…will never forget that day, i even remember having the pains in my balls once i hit the 11th day, that only goes away after relapse and etc. Where the big deal happened to me was about this time i had to get baptized as a member of the workforce in my church, we had weekly bible study for 3 mnths in preparation and we were told u have to confess to the leader in the church if u've masturbated, fornicated, adultery etc(during the time u joined the workers or during the 3mnths duration) and i remembered that they will put me on the black seat if they knew that I've been pmoing within the 3mnths and will delay my baptism making it clear to all my colleagues in the workforce who i really am, a hypocrite, a masturbator! Because of this i could not sleep from about 2wks before the day of the baptism, i was dying but couldn't tell my mum, dad anybody, I was so badly affected by this, on the day of the baptism i encouraged myself i'd stop pmo (for life) soon. I was on day 15, my max for that time and prayed /confessed to God on my own that if i get caught during the interview…fine! I'd just face anything that happens, when i finally got interviewed, was asked if i ever 4nicated, took alcohol etc of which i said no, they didn't ask me of pmo. Hallelujah! I was baptised and etc. ever since that day my anxiety, shame social awkwardness doubled or more (this was not immediately). Very shortly after this i went to the university in another state (got admitted just before i knew nofap) here i promised God that with His help I'd quit pmo for good and it was so hard, I went 88days hard mode relapsed without any binge went 29 days relapsed and then binged as much as i could without dying.

I really improved during this streak tho i had anxiety alot which was improving gradually till the day of relapse, i was beginning to talk to people more, made more acquaintances, even the girls, just friends, was ok with that, made some good male friends too, was complemented as a very funny guy a lot etc. But my major problem during this was ultimately depression, I cried every 7 days or even worse, I'd be all smiling and funny in school once i get home I'd very likely find a place to go weep. There were also times in school I'll really need to cry, will just have to rush to some comfortable place. But trust me after relapse on #29 my anxiety was zero, confidence was high, very less depression and my memory was almost or in fact it was photographic (one of my fav nofap super powers, didn’t need to understand sth b4 i remember it on exam day, just have a look or speed read through, I'll remember everything, this made me happy). . I relapsed 2wks before the holidays (one month) during which i binged a lot. I was even told I look a lot healthier when i got home, normally I look very older than my age, maybe due to pmo or and the fact i mainly fap at night after waiting for everyone to fall asleep, so poor sleep. Though i was experiencing nofap super powers during this time, I couldn't get back on track no matter how hard I tried. Super powers left me around the end of the holidays. Went back school, after relapsing alot, I tried hard and got streaks of 30, 35, 42 days. But I experienced even more strange withdrawals on these streaks ..paranoia, palpitations fear, guilt, more anxiety and even 2 panic attacks and freq p**n dreams. I relapsed on my 42day streak due to freq p**n dreams, had 3 p dreams in 4 days so i relapsed in frustration. During this whole time I was disappointing all the new friends I made with my extreme social anxiety even those girls who approached me just to play and chat with me(in public), I disappointed them too...yeah they got angry so next time they see me **** . It was very bad for me and is one of the major reasons for my next big streak.

On October 28th, i started a streak that lasted 114 days hard mode plus I had my 1st true wet dream on #81 (not the usual p**n wet dream), but I do have an emission every 14 days on average during sleep throughout the streak. I also truly thought of having a gf for the 1st time during this period. From day forty sth my insomnia became worse, anxiety, fear, loneliness (like I'm the only one in the whole world, pls does anybody have this? )etc.. I had so much slightly painful palpitations and anxiety that i had to go to the clinic, my bp read 160/90 (I'm 21yrs) for several checks. He mentioned he didn't want to give me drugs for hypertension due to my age. shared a brief with the doctor and he told me to try socialize more be calm and stuff and get a gf (after finding out I've never had any) etc.He also gave me sleeping pills which helped. It played a lot in my relpase and trust me i feel really calmer ever since relapsed

but I'm scared if this will ever end, I've been bingeing alot and scared i'd lose my concentration (which came back on day97) and better memory too(I'm a med student), is this really going to end. Do i need to see a psychiatrist?

I'm so sorry for the long post but this is the only place i could pour my heart right now. I'm thinking what if i get a good streak and get painful palpitations again. It's because i think of my parents and siblings all younger than i am, else I truly don't want to live. To add, I do like the church and intend to go and confess and testify but only after I've gone atleast 8mnths hardmode.

Thanks guys for reading.

 

thank you.
but how do I go about the chest pains?

 

thanks mehn.