Hi All - I am not meaning to make this a long post, I just need to get this all out there. After a few weeks of being away from the nofap forums, I decided to come back because my emotions are going off the charts right now. I had been doing good with no P for a month. Relapsed one time, but overall good. About 12 days ago, I had enough with myself. From about Feb 6th to Feb 9th I had one of the worst relapsing binges within the past 6 months. My fiancee and I live together. Our sex life is great and i'm extremely in love and attracted to her emotionally and sexually. Our sex life has diminished this month. We've only had sex a 3 times this whole month, which is unusual. We've been dealing with a lot of stress right now though. Our wedding is in May and there's a lot of planning left. Also, we're in the middle of closing on a house, so there's been a lot of financial and budgeting conversations, as well as a lot of running around to wedding vendors and meeting with our realtor/mortgage lender. My employer had just finished construction on our new building at the end of January. Our move in date was Feb 12th. From Feb 1 to Feb 9, all employees had to work remotely due to the old building's lease ending. I knew that it was going to be a challenge for me to be home alone. My fiancee was gone working every day from 8-5. From Feb 1 - 4 I stood strong. It was hard, but I kept busy. On Feb 5th, I was watching a movie and was triggered by a sex scene. Then the temptations began. I tried cold showers, exercising, and meditation to distract me. That whole time all I could think about was sex, but I didn't give in. That night I initiated sex with my fiancee. She declined. She wasn't feeling very sexy due to her monthly "friend" coming, and I understood that. I took some sleep aid and fell asleep. During my sleep, I had a sex dream with a P star. I woke up super aroused. Queue the P binge. From Feb 6 to 9 I had one of the worst binges IN MONTHS. Hours of P and edging, but never completing. Feb 12th concluded my working from home so back into the office I had to go. It was a relief to not be home alone. I had felt so guilty for betraying my fiancee that I had a nervous breakdown in my car while driving. I prayed to God for what felt like 45 minutes and vowed to never betray my fiancee like that again. I felt very great and renewed after that. On February 14th, my fiancee and I had an amazing, sexual night on V day. It was intimate and amazing. The next few days I was so charged by my mission to stop P for good I successfully denied the chaser effect. 5 days ago the dreaded flatline made its way in. Emotions back and forth and feeling no sexual desire. I don't even feel like leaving the house. A good thing is that I have enjoyed this time doing non sexual things with my fiancee. Cuddling and just being with her, watching movies, and planning our future house. I am trying to keep my emotions in check. Under the surface, I've felt irritable and moody. She initiated sex with me 3 nights ago. We did have sex, but it took me a while to get it up. A part of me just couldn't FULLY get into it. I don't know what is going on. It's been about 12 days since the binge and 5 days since the flatline began. I just want to get over this hump and get back to feeling the way I used to. It's getting better every day, but occasionally, I've felt emotionless and moody. I told her I relapsed because she's my AP, and has been supportive of me this whole time. She was positive to me when I told her because it's been almost a month since I relapsed last. She says she's happy i'm improving because there was a time where I would come to her 2-3 times a week to tell her I relapsed. She doesn't want me to focus on the relapse and fall back into a hole. I don't want her to feel like i'm distancing myself from her during this flatline. I've done SO much to get back on track within the past 12 days. Started an exercise routine, hung out with friends, and have been playing guitar. I'm doing good with no P, however I just do not want to experience these back and forth emotions any more or lack of desire towards my fiancee. Does anyone have any advice or tips?
I would keep up your streak and your mindset. You are going through several incredibly stressful situations right now, so that certainly doesn’t help. You need to channel your reasons for starting and sticking with recovery. Flatline is apart of it, and a sign you are doing it right. The more you relapse, the more you could potentionally flatline. It sounds like you’ve made lots of good changes in your routine since your last relapse, I have adopted a continual improvement cycle with my AP with is also my SO. We take the time weekly to take stock of the past week and our challenges, and then decide on new things to try or change, keep doing the things that are working for us, and stop those things or behaviors that are hindering recovery. I can’t recommend doing this more. The conversation should be open honest and non judgemental so you both can talk freely and be listened to. Then you can focus on the improvements to make to ensure continued success. I’m currently in the same boat, and have gone through a dry patch of sexual intimacy with my SO recently. I even had a “sex” dream the other night, where I was hanging out with some female and we started kissing. I knew this was wrong, and I immediately woke up to find out it was a dream, rather than me actually cheating on my wife. We had something new to try when I felt urges in the mornings and that was to cuddle with her, unfortunately a pillow and a pile of fur kids were in the way, so the best I was able to do was put my hand on her hip. It helped and I was able to ground myself with a loving touch to my partner. Stick with your commitment to your SO, and your own commitment to yourself in your journey to reboot. Find any and every reason you can to quit and embrace them, and don’t let your P brain tell you any different.
Let me just say how incredibly blessed and lucky you are to have a fiancé who is supportive of you through all this! Seriously no offense but I would have left your ass in a hot minute. I suspect that’s why you feel so guilty. But kudos to you for being honest as well. We all screw up in life it happens. Since you are not yet married you may want to consider delaying marriage until you have this thing under control. Marriage tends to do nothing but make it worse. You need to develop better coping mechanisms for stress. You are going to face things a lot worse in life than what you are going through now and if pmo is your way to cope you will turn to it. This is about changing your mindset and thinking of sex or O as a bonding experience rather than a stress release. That is much harder than stopping pmo. If you are not in counseling on an individual basis go now and pre marital counseling is a must. Don’t give up!
Well, honestly, Now that I think about it, I would have definitely left my ass in a hot minute too hahaha. That is why I feel so guilty, because she has been nothing but supportive of me this whole time. I'm just glad honesty is a key part we play together. Unfortunately, delaying marriage isn't something I want to do again. We had to delay it already one time for 6 months due to health scares from her grandparents. At this point, if we delay again, we're out $5,000 for our ceremony and reception deposit. I know, it's not the BEST reason in the world, but it's a critical piece to us since we were already out $1,000 from last time. The issue isn't that I'm not ready to marry her. I actually feel quite the opposite. Now, more than ever, I feel like I am ready. For the first time in probably about 6 months, I no longer fear the addiction. I've felt empowered actually. These past 15 days haven't really been easy, but they've offered me clarity. Everything is becoming clearer. I don't even crave P. The thought of it actually disgusts me now, and honestly, this is the first time i've EVER felt this way. Now, I can't say that it's always going to stay this way because as I know, temptation comes in and out and moods come in waves, but I feel as if I stand strong on this current mindset and use the more constructive outlets that i have been, I can remain strong. I've felt stronger, and healthier in these past 15 days than I have in months. The exercise routine mixed with playing guitar has been wonderful. The other time that I have is dedicated spending time with my fiancee. I definitely understand what you mean about using sex and O as a stress reliever. My fiancee and I were intimate last night again, and it was very beautiful, I must say. We were both engaged and dedicated to each other. It is my hopes, that with more time away from P, this will become such a effortless task. We are actually attending premarital counseling for the next 3 weeks as it is part of our process. We are both looking forward to this process. Thanks so much for your words!
