Okay, this is the first time I've shared this anywhere, but I need to get it out there. I used to cross dress. I know I'm not trans, it was just used as a weird means for arousal as I got off from acting and looking feminine. Back in November, when I really started fighting against PMO addiction, I came to the realization that I needed to get rid of the women's clothing I had. There was no justification for keeping it if I wanted to be free of my addiction. I managed to get rid of everything, and must admit that not having anything to hide anymore is incredibly freeing. As I've been on this streak, overall the urges for P/M haven't been too bad. However, I'm finding that the urge to cross dress still has a strong effect on me. My past slip ups with porn were looking at women's clothing on online shopping sites. I think the combination of the attractive women as well as the thought of wearing that clothing has a doubly strong effect on me. I've also found that seeing women's clothing somewhere (like a clothing store), or even something lying on the ground that might resemble it, can really trigger me and lead me to wanting to acquire more clothing again/ dress up again. Any advice on how to overcome this? It's a horrible thought to imagine being with a woman sexually and thinking I could be pre-occupied (even slightly) by her underwear instead of focusing 100% on her. Also, I have someone I'm working through my PMO addiction with but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to tell him about this.. It's way too humiliating. This feels like one of my biggest issues in overcoming PMO addiction so I really need to beat this. Any support/ advice would be greatly appreciated!
I support your writing this down, and confronting it - I think that's a courageous and healthy move! Sounds like this is more of a fetish kind of deal, rather than any true gender identity issue. The problem, in my amateur opinion, is that escaping into a kind of alternate version of yourself, even just temporarily, can over time cause some confusion. So i.e. there may be a short-term thrill there, but long-term I'd suggest it's taking you farther away from the kind of positive intimate relationship you want with an actual woman. It could be that women's clothing is maybe a kind of fake stand-in for that.
Did the porn you watch encourage this behaviour, or did you develop this desire by some other method?