I will Porn no more

Hi everyone,

I am a 47 yo, married with son and daughter. I started looking at porn when I was 12 or so, way before the internet age. It was a trip to the bookstore to steal some girlie magazines in the beginning, hiding everything in a box in my closet so my parents wouldn't find anything. Used to PMO daily. As I got older, started collecting videotapes. Went so far as to set up a duplicating station with two 4 head HQ VCRs, so I can press play on one machine and record on the other. Sometimes try to copy the whole tape, or sit there and copy favorite scenes. Built up a small pile of VHS tapes. It took a lot of time and effort to do so much. I was a shy type, and didn't hang out much, so I had the time to put into it. Mom and dad were at work till 8pm, so I had time to PMO, do my homework and still have dinner ready for them. I was a good boy at least. Sometimes I had time to PMO after homework and before dinner. I washed my hands of course.

College years came and went. Got part time jobs so I could buy my porn now, on VHS and DVD. Hung out more, but was still very shy and avoided the urge to get close to a girl. Why risk getting hurt when PMO was waiting for you back home, never judging or complaining?

Dial-up internet came, and porn became a little easier to get, and it was free. Just had to wait for it to download. Just had to spend that $250 for the 100mb hard drive to fill up. And then another, and another, etc.

Finally met my Girlfriend/Wife, who was crazy for me and I really liked her for that. I still watched porn, and she caught me one day. She made me promise never again, no more downloading and viewing, no more purchasing. But I still secretly did PMO, and learned to hide it well. It still served as my mistress during down and dark periods. And any time I had nobody in the house, just to catch up.

Now I have a daughter, who is now developing into a young woman. And I was still doing PMO, but there started this nagging feeling.

Then high speed internet came, first DSL, then cable modem, then FIOS. The ability to download vast quantities of porn, from websites, from torrents, from usenet, etc. Now I need more hard drives, 100gb, 1tb, etc, a Home Server with 6tb.

And then I realized I was spending all this time, watching, waiting, for the next period I could PMO. I stole every moment I could to review my newly downloaded files. And then I realized, this could be my daughter in a few years.

My ED problems started about two years ago. My erections were so weak. I blamed my age for it, saying the day wore me out and I was too tired. Sometimes I would go limp trying to get it in. It was better in the mornings, after a good nights rest, but then a few months ago, even the mornings
became a problem. Sometimes no erection, sometimes very weak and then going soft.

I realized then that Porn was the problem. I found NoFap, YourBrainOnPorn, and a few other sites that came to the same conclusions. And I decided it was time to go Cold Turkey. I had been trying to do that for a few years now. I do love my wife, and she is beautiful to me. I love my daughter. But I also loved my porn. But now I see that it has come time to decide what was better for me.

I now see that Porn is not good now. At least, not the high-speed, all-you-can-get, 24/7/365 variety porn. It's very different from before where it took the time and effort to just get a bit of it. I read about the accounts of young men growing up now with this, and comparing it to us older guys, it is vastly different.

Did I need it when I was younger? Did it hurt me more than it helped? I don't think I will ever know for sure. It was a part of my life. It taught me a lot, and I learned from it. Some good, some bad.

I just don't need porn anymore. Not at all. I have a loving wife, and a beautiful daughter that I want to guide the right way. It's good that I know the dark places, so I can help teach her how keep away from it. I have the best things I could have ever hoped for, and porn has no place it anymore. And not for my daughter. And I hope to be able to catch and guide my son when he's older.

I erased my porn folder on my Home Server. I'm catching stray folders and deleting them as I find them.

It's been a week since I started, and the guilt is lifted off like I never expected. I feel confident and gratified. I don't have to hide anything anymore. My thought are now about making love to my wife, and not some ridiculous scene that will never happen to me. I push those thoughts out as soon as they start. Lately, my erections appear to be harder now, after a week of abstinence, no PMO. My wife came over last night, and I was rock-hard and ready, and even though I was scared that I might go soft, I didn't. It was the best feeling in a long time.

So, in closing, I won't debate whether porn is good/evil. It has grown out of control, and for those who don't realize it, it can take over your life. If I didn't have children, I think I would still be in the trap, and probably on the way to divorce, when (not IF) my wife caught me again.

I hope this helps others.

Thanks
WHO

 

Thanks Dogwood.

I had done a lot of reading on YBOP and NOFAP, and it all started to make sense, reading a lot of other accounts that sounded similar to my situation.

10 days later, I feel a lot better not having the porn anymore. No more masturbation either. Only real sex.

My wife is having her period now, so it's a good test of my resolve.

I have been getting really good morning wood. A lot harder than I can remember in many years. Also, did a fluff test for a couple of days during my nightly shower, just to see how the little guy reacts now. Boy, what a change. Before, it needed a lot of effort to get him up, and he would still be kinda semi-hard. Now, a few light touches, and he gets up, and gets really hard. I have to fight the urge to keep going, but it's all just to see how it's improving, and so far, it's going good.

I should really be much better in a few more days, and as soon as she's ready, I think I will really surprise her, and myself.

There's still a small desire to tell her about my continued PMO, and my decision to stop, but I don't think that would go over well. It will have to stay my dark secret.

 

14 days and still going strong. Or at least able to re-direct myself. Went to NY ComicCon last weekend and met up with friends. We were talking about our comic collections, and they were back into buying and selling, and then they told me to sell some stuff from my 35 long boxes. Well, there's something to spend time on, and the wife was all for it.

Oh look, I found my copy of Iron Man #1.

No porn, no masturbation. Made love with my wife over the weekend, and it was good.

 

Day 24.

Been weeding out things as I go along. I came across some downloads, some hentai, some regular manga. As I was weeding through them to make sure they were things I should delete, I realized I was reading porn. Not real-life images, but still, it's the same idea as porn. It still messes with the mind, with the fantasy and all. I had to really catch myself and force myself to stop and just delete it. It's okay to come across and and do a quick review to make sure it should be deleted, but yes, it has to be deleted as soon as you realize what it is.

On another note, I had not watched porn videos, or read porn magazines, or anything like what I used to do. My erections are a lot stronger and firmer now. I have no guilt anymore, and it is a great feeling.

I do find I miss the porn every now and then. I catch myself remembering my favorite scenes from when I was younger. I guess the older stuff was okay, so I let myself indulge in the memory, just a little. I had worked so hard to try to get that stuff, way before I got married, so in my mind, it's like remembering old girlfriends. Nothing like what was happening recently.

So, anyways, feeling much better now without the Porn, and I don't miss it that much. I am surprised at the craving though, but that should be easier as time passes.

 

Day 46. I feel great about giving up the porn. No more guilt. I can concentrate on other things, instead of wasting time and energy trying to steal any chance to PMO. Sex is much better with the wife now. No more anxiety due to PIED. Everything is so much better now, and I will stick with it.

Cleaning up, I found another stash of porn cd and DVDs. I was searching for something else, so I didn't have a chance to do anything with it, but it really struck me as to amount I stored up. There must have been 400-500 discs, files and clips and full DVDs saved over a 20 year period. Lot of time spent saving and burning, maybe $200 to buy the discs. But, I have to admit I thought about checking them out, but I know I couldn't. Back in the box they went and I continued looking for the other stuff.