I miss the girl I didnt get because my PIED kept me from trying

Hey people. Quick introduction. 21 y.o. student from Germany, PIED since about 4years, couldn't have sex with my girlfriend at that time and couldn't get hard ever since when it came down to the act, which made me sabotage any possible relationship I could have in order to avoid it going as far as having sex. Which leads me to what I want to tell.

I miss a girl and I feel lonely.
I met her in June and we quickly hit off. We went out with friends a couple of times within a few weeks. But I was always scared of having sex. Or well actually not of having sex, but of not being able to. That's why I avoided letting it happen. When we were at the disco I didnt take her home to me, no matter how absurd it was that i didnt. She wanted it, I wanted it. I live about 5 min from the club, she had to take the last bus, for which we had to wait about 20 minutes and she had to walk 15 minutes to her home from the buses final destination. We sat at the bus stop, both tired from a night out, waiting for that fucking bus. And I couldnt say the words "You could just sleep at my place". Talk about a fuckin elephant in the room... . I was to scared of staying limp again and being humiliated. Man i liked her so much but couldnt do it. If she would have asked if she could just come with me I would have probably said yes.

We hung out a couple of more times. And now she is gone, moved to another city for college. That's what I used as excuse towards my friends why I didnt want a relationship to start. I was extremely busy with Uni until the end of september and it was sure that she would move away beginning of october. So i told everyone, including myself, it was better not to start anything at all because it will just end in pain when she moves away. But that was only the smaller reason why I didnt even try...

Right now I am 60 days PMO clean, basically constantly horny and more emotional than I have ever been. I don't think I have ever been in love, but this is as close as I was to being. I dont know why I have never been, probably mixture of constant masturbation numbing my brain and avoiding deeper commitment because of fear of PIED.
And I started to think about her quite often now. And how she is the one where my PIED hurt me the most. I almost felt ready to tell her about my whole story, hoping she'd understand. But what kept me from doing it is that she is the cousin of the girlfriend of an old friend of mine from my hometown (that's actually part of how I met her). I know the they talked about me, as girls do. I remember one time, after she moved away I told her I was sorry I had so little time for her before she moved away due to my work for Uni, and then her cousin said something to me like "Oh NOW you're sorry..." as in "Congrats Idiot, it's too late now to tell her stuff like that". And we still hang out a lot in a big group of friends whenever I'm back home. I was scared that she would tell her cousin, and then her cousin would tell her boyfriend, who is an old friend of me. And I would die if one of my friends found out.

But fuck I still miss her. I remember hanging at her place and she showed me her collection of drawings and paintings. She is an amazing artist, actually moved away to study art! We were just sitting on her floor, she showed me her paintings and told me the story to each one, where she drew it, how old it is. She had been to australia and new zealand for a year, so a lot of paintings were from that time and she told me all those stories. My head was in her lap and she played with my hair and I was so fucking fascinated by her. I cant draw a straight line if i have a ruler, and she called things "just quick sketches" that were impossible for me to draw even if i practiced for years. Man i felt good at that moment. Happy.

I've lived in a one-room apartment for 2,5 years now, and i cant wait to finally move out in a couple of weeks, into an apartment i will share with two roommates. The apartment was always good, but lately living alone started to get to me. Especially in times like right now, when I have to study a lot for exams and therefore dont go out to meet people as much as during the regular semester. Living alone, not seeing people for some days in a row sometimes, PMO no longer available (60 days clean right now hooray) makes me feel lonely. I know I just have to make it through 3 more weeks, then my exams are over, I move to the other apartment and then go back to my hometown during the holidays for an internship of 4 weeks where a lot of my old friends will be. But still the loneliness right now sucks, it kills my productivity and therefore makes me scared of failing my exams and especially makes me think of her and how I fucked up and now she is gone.

Still, writing this post has helped me a bit right now. And since I study in the town where she is from, I might see her again when she is on a visit back home. If anyone has similar stuff they want to talk about or tips on how to handle situations like these, feel free to share <3

 

Wow thanks so much for your replies Great feeling that my words actually are read and that there are supportive people out there

Thanks for the nice words I really am confident that this time things will work out

It sure does... We have to grab these opportunities and rewire our brains!

Exactly the same for me man. So many parties where girls seemed to be interested, but you couldnt flirt back because of the what-ifs...

Dont beat yourself up too much about it. I am also rather short (170cm) but you'll always find shorter girls or girls that dont mind. Where are you from then? Even if there are many taken girls, there are also still some pretty single ones you'll also find one, abstaining from PMO really helps. I also strongly suggest working out. It has so many positive effects, not only looks, but mostly confident! And it exhausts you, so in the best case you dont want to fap anymore.


As you can see, all your replies already put me in a much better mood already I was about to text her earlier, just a quick hit up "hey how you're doing, how are things at uni?" but i dont know if it is a good idea. Perhaps i'll do it next time when I feel bad because of her. For now I just watched the pics on her facebook and re-read our chats and thought about the things we did together.

You guys are great

 

Aw shit, how fast things can change when you're moody due to PMO-abstaining. Bloody nofap.com saves your drafts even if you dont post a comment. Now I just read the beginning of the text I wanted to write under my reboot-blog before I remembered there is a section for loneliness posts.
I wrote some notes about what I missed about her. The memory of the time she showed me her drawings and played with my hair. The time I accidentally ran into her when she just got off from work and looked really tired but still so pretty.

And mostly the time I took her to a friends birthday party. There, I noticed the things that attracted me the most about this girl. She is such a strong girl. Not like physical strong. But like mentally strong. Confident. I love it when girls are confident and not like barbie dolls. When they are able to say no to me sometimes, tease me, not immediately give me what I want. As I said, it was a party, and everyone got rather drunk. She smoked a cigarette, which I used to hate when anybody did it, but when she did it it looked so cool. She could also handle her drink, which I like in people too, a lot of people that never drink often tend to be a little boring. She showed a friend of mine her tatoos, some of which she did herself, that beautiful artist. My friend came over to me later and she jokingly scolded me "You are never allowed to complain about me again (about smoking and tattoos, which I had sometimes teased her about) after dating her!". All those things I didnt really like about people before looked so cool in her.
But the thing that made me crazy about her the most was when she just told me "no". The party had been going for some hours, I was a bit drunk and I wanted to kiss her, but she just said no, in a way that meant "no no, you're not getting that right now. let me tease you for a while and later you can perhaps get some kisses". Confidence, it makes me go nuts. A woman that knows what she wants and doesnt immediately give me what I want, fuck that drives me insane. It wasnt until a bit later where I just couldnt resist anymore and grabbed her and just kissed her, and fuck me, how amazing it was.
Now I remember another thing. When I make out with a girl (mostly drunken one time things, since long term things will be sabotaged) I like to play this game where I move my mouth back from hers and tease her, so she has to "come and get me" for the next kiss. It makes me feel confident to see the girls want it so much they work for it. But not her. She obviously was different, that strong, confident girl. She didnt play along. She didnt work for it. She said "You want me to come get it? Nono darling. I'll just wait here until you want it so bad you come and get it yourself". A little test who would last longer... and she won everytime.

Damn this girl. This girl... I have to go to bed now, perhaps I'll dream of her and tomorrow will be a brighter day.

 

Yeah I mean I can of course I can get in touch, we do occasionally still text, last time about a month ago when she asked what I was doing for new years. The thing is she still lives 3 hours away now, so what's the use...
I might text her though in the next couple of days if I feel down about her. Perhaps we can go for a coffee or something when she is home for the weekend sometime.

 

Yeah so another unproductive day, so I "reward" myself with some beers. If I see her coming online I'll text her.
Thanks @Menace and @Gmork.
I just dont know if I would want things to develop between us now. Yeah, 3 hours is not that far away, but still it would mean a long distance relationship. And I dont think I would want that. Seeing each other only on the weekends, sometimes not at all for weeks at a time, I dont think that's for me.
Ah fuck what do I know. I'm more than tipsy, I'm tired, but I dont want to go to bed cause tomorrow only work awaits me as soon as I get
up.
But she's not online now either way, so it doesnt matter. She's probably already asleep.

 

Yeah I did. But that's no use, I want to have sex with real women.

Thanks for your kind words! I am not generally lonely though, I have a lot of friends and a good social life. But I miss having a girlfriend, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, sex. And my PIED keeps me from pursuing that. At 69 days in right now (hehe 69) i feel like I actually am getting closer to being cured, but I will have to stay strong some more time, at least 2 more months is my goal. Then I will start actually trying to get a girlfriend.

Thanks to you as well! That's exactly how I feel! Just thinking "damn what would have happened if I would have made the move, how would my life be different now?" really hurts...