56 years old, 780 days. Yes you can!

Talk about a deeply rooted addiction - I started fapping when all guys do - when I was a teenager. This is all pre-computer, but I found a porn stash in my attic and anytime I was home alone, I was at it.

Skip ahead to my 30s and by now I was downloading pics from AOL and figured that when I got married I would stop. Wrong! Can't begin to remember how many times I couldn't have sex with my wife because I'd shot my load a few hours before when I was alone with my computer. My guilt and shame were overwhelming.

I've got to be honest. I was really into it bad. After more than ten years of marriage I couldn't remember more than a couple of days in a row that I hadn't watched porn and masturbated. And I'd progressed into weirder and weirder stuff including video chat rooms. It makes me cringe now, but I couldn't keep away from it then.

For me, it was a spiritual thing. I'm a Christian, and I knew that what I was doing wasn't pleasing God, but no matter how many times I'd sworn "Never again" I couldn't seem to stop. And I couldn't tell anyone because I was so embarrassed and ashamed.

I was on a Men's retreat from church and finally said, "God, I can't live like this anymore." For the first time, I told someone - a pastor at the event. He became my accountability partner. My biggest fear was telling my wife. But, after a couple of weeks FMO free, I bared my soul to her. She was hurt, but also supportive. Just telling her created deeper intimacy.

It wasn't easy, and it's still a struggle sometimes. I'd have dreams that I'd be fapping and looking at porn, and in the dreams I'd be feeling guilty that I'd failed. But it was only a dream. I still have erotic dreams about jerking off.

At first the computer was like a magnet whenever I was alone. Over time that's gone away for the most part. I still have to get in touch with my accountability partner when I'm feeling depressed or bored. Travel was the biggest challenge. I used to go on binges when on business travel. Now I never leave home without a plan, which always includes asking the hotel to shut off all pay TV and movies. I also love to read, but now I skip over the sex scenes in books. They are NEVER important to the story!

When I accidentally see an erotic image (on computer or in real life) I've learned to "bounce" my eyeballs. See it, and condition my eyes to bounce away!

Bottom line, my marriage is better, my relationship with God is better, my work is better, and I'm better. I no longer have those moments of terror that I used to have when I almost got caught. I don't have to worry about the kids using my computer for fear that I might have forgotten to erase my trail. No fear = freedom.

For me, the key was taking my secret into the light. I'd proved again and again that I couldn't break this alone. When I finally took that risk, I was finally able to change.

YES YOU CAN! If I can break free at 56 years old, you can break free too.

 

I've had very few wet dreams in my life. Just not the way I'm wired, so when they happen it's always something of a novelty! I'd say that I started having really vivid erotic dreams of falling off the wagon when I was a couple of months clean, and they were so real that they really shook me. After about a year they became very infrequent, but I actually had one last night, to tell the truth. My wife hasn't been feeling well, so it's been a while since we made love. Today I had a chance to talk with her about it, and although we didn't have time to make love, she was so understanding and "gave me a hand" so-to-speak. She understands that I don't want to receive any sexual pleasure that isn't directed toward her. It's all part of rewiring my brain. Hope this helps.