Time to grow up starting today

Day One:
Hello everyone, I’m new to this website and to the idea of quitting m and p after approximately 7 years of it having such a huge control over my life. I’m simply fed up. The headaches. The tiredness. The feeling to do nothing. The stress & anger. Losing the will to do anything productive. It’s all p & d related. Enough is enough, it’s time to go. From as early as being back in education at school I was taught how masturbation was healthy and pornography was normal, however not once was a taught about the dangers, side effects and risks involved, I feel this is a real problem and these things need to be more public. Regular m is not a danger, but then neither is having an alcoholic drink. However just like drinking, once you become addicted to m, that’s a real issue. The brain feels like it needs it. It’s so difficult to quit. It starts effecting everyday life. When you start letting p & m effect even your work life, you know it needs to change. I’ve told myself in the past to not stay up late before my 7 in the morning shift start, only to find myself watching p into the night, making me get to work late in the morning and feeling so tired & unproductive. It’s sometimes feels like I have no control. But deep down I know that I do, I just have to fight the temptation and beat the addiction. At the moment, for the past year atleast, I’ve been m around 5 times a week,sometimes more, sometimed less, that’s an average, though that’s quite a lot I’m sure that’s not as extreme as in some cases, however it’s not the frequency that’s the problem, it’s the porn binge. I share my house with my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years who is a year younger than me & my parents, so I don’t often get any “me time” but when I do, the first thing my brain things about is p and m. It’s like I drop whatever I’m doing and pm is my only concern as soon as I become alone, my real danger times are as I said when I have a freehouse or when I don’t then in the shower m with thoughts. When I have a free house I can easily spend as long as 4 hours pming. Afterwards I feel horrible about it. I feel even worse because my girlfriend specifically asked me from the start of our relationship to not watch porn and I think this is where another problems brings itself to the surface... I really love her, she is great, I honestly couldn’t ask for anything better, however there is this small side... The jealous side. She is very extreme when it comes to this, even as far as not wanting me to play certain games or watch certain films if it has a a partially naked character or wearing anything provocative,even if the film itself isn’t focused on that and has just one scene, that’s gameover. She even fast forwards or asks me to look away if it’s live when there’s something she deems “inappropriate” comes up. I feel this makes my urge to watch porn even worse because it’s like biting the forbidden fruit. Sometimes we only have sex as little as 3 or 4 times a month and all this sexual frustration builds up inside me, so when I’m alone, I am literally bursting for a release! Literally about 80-90% of the arguments me & her have are related to this, I hate it and I’ve told her so many times, even said about breaking up, then we make up, rinse & repeat, it’s the same cycle. That’s why when I’m alone I let all this frustration out on pm. I know it’s not right and not an excuse, I just wish she was more “cool” about this subject. I know most girlfriends are nowhere near this extreme. But I don’t want to lose her, just because I hate this 0.1% of her, I love the other 99.9% to bits. She is my bestfriend and is the person I see as my soulmate, so I guess I just have to try and tolerate this although it sure is frustrating and a big chunk of my addiction is down to this. She is very emotional when we argue and anytime I threaten to walk away or say I’m done she says she’s going to hurt herself or even kill herself, in the first year of us dating I tried being honest about porn and nudity and she completely lost her shit! It’s got to a point so bad that I have to hide things behind her back like this and I know it’s horrible, it makes me feel like a horrible boyfriend, but I’m still young, I have urges, I need a release! She can be such a tease aswell, we live together and she always is naked around me or saying dirty Things, but when I try to have sex with her or anything she rarely wants it, she has to control when we have and don’t have any things and most of the times she doesn’t want and sometimes we can literally go around 3 weeks without even making out. It drives me insane. The next problem is that she is a lot more experienced than me sexually, she even told me how her and her ex used to have sex every few days. It brings into my mind a mental problem and question, why did she have sex with him so much but she doesnt want to with me? I will say something very personal now and give abit of back story to it. Me & my long term girlfriend started out as a long distance relationship. When I say long distance I mean different continents, me here in the uk & her in South America. She only just came to live with me at my parents house around May last year. Before that we was only seeing eachother every 6 months or so, so we relied on social media heavily. During this time, she was very explicit and honest to me about her past encounters, such as telling me in full detail (admittedly after me asking her a couple of times) about how she had a threesome with two guys, had made out with 2 girls & had sex with 4 guys and she said she kissed so many guys at parties she lost count (I literally asked her more that 30 and she said probably) and she had done a lot more things but I won’t go into detail,she told me the biggest thing she wanted to do was to have sex with a black man and be dominated by one. the thing is a lot of these things made me horny, really horny, and over time I developed a real cuckold fetish because of this (let me be very clear,though I respect sexual orientation, I have never had any doubts that I am a straight male and everytime I have thought and wanted these things, it had only been to watch or participate in doing things to my wife. I do not have any attraction or curiosities to men) some of the things the cuckold fetish includes I simply wouldn’t want any part of at all, when I say cuckold, I literally mean to see my girlfriend with someone else, that’s all! Within the first year things got pretty hot about this in between our long distance relationship and we would talk about these things. She even kissed a couple of guys and a girl while we was in a relationship (with my permission) and she would talk about how she would have a threesome with me and another guy or even two guys while I watch. (I know people are going to start judging me at this point but hey, I’m trying to turn things around) within the first 6 months she even spoke about girls, how she would give and receive oral sex from a girl, even sent me a couple of photos once of naked girls doing things to each other, but then after 4-6 months she started to change, the jealousy and that side of her kicked in. Gone was talking about any girls, and that’s when she started to lose her shit if I watched anything (I watched American pie,project x & Superbad one day and told her, she was ready to kill me) then it just started getting stupid, just from playing games like ryse son of Rome & other games or films. She even goes as far as going on google and checking “parents guide” to see if the game or film has any nudity. Seriously. It’s like she’s treating me like a child at times. It makes me so fucking angry I won’t even go into details. But after 6 months we still could talk about her and other guys, I even watched and still watched videos up until yesterday on pornsites such as xvideos of Latina/South American/Brazilian girls who resemble her in anyway, having sex with guys and girls and thinking it’s her with another guy/girl. I know. I know. It’s crazy! I was honest about it with her (apart from the porn and other girl part ) and she was actually into it about the whole guy thing. Then further down the line, about 2 years into the relationship, she asked me to stop with anything (all the fantasies, other people etc etc) and concentrate on us, she couldn’t be more right, and I agree totally. She hasn’t really ever spoke about it since, even over 2 years later. Problem is... I never actually moved on from it, I pm & m thinking about it, remembering all the details she told me and she sent me a lot of pictures of videos, I’m literally talking about 200, some where even other people was there with her. All of this has stuck with me & I can’t get it out of my head even now, i since got rid of all the old photos and pictures associated with it. The problem is, all my urges & addiction relies heavily on porn to satisfy it. Doing exactly that, trying to find seedy videos on websites and let my imagination do the rest. All of this behind my girlfriends back. It’s horrible I know. It’s really really shitty. The good news is, that when I’m not horny, I don’t want anything other than me and my girlfriend and nothing between us, I look at her and I see my soulmate, I love her and we have something really good between us, I see her as the mother of my kids and yes she has quite a colourful past but this 4+ years ago. She has grown up a lot. The problem is, I haven’t. I still keep falling back into that same rut. Worse still she even told me last year she doesn’t want me to even tell her if I have any thoughts or sexual dreams unless it’s about me & her only. I know she’s right. It’s just so frustrating. It’s like trying to squeeze the ocean into a small bottle. My mind simply can’t handle it, all this thoughts all these desires/memories/you name it. There’s only so much I can conceal it before I need a release. I need to clear my mind of this. I need to stop relying on porn to relieve myself. I need to get these thoughts & porn out of my wife. I feel like I’m wearing this heavy jacket of negativity I just want to get rid of. I’m tired of all the hiding, the covering up, the excuses, the lies. I want to be an honest clean man, I’ve recently turned 22. I need to get my shit together and start growing up. I’m not a teenager anymore and I need to leave all these things in the past to be able to grow into the man I want to become. If I keep going this way, somethings going to have to give. I don’t want to lose my girlfriend or our relationship, but I’m going to lose her eventually this way. I’m ready to give it my all. I’m going to try to quit porn and these thoughts for good. No more binge porn when I’m home alone. No more m to these thoughts and memories. I want to not think about them for so long that they eventually disappear. I want to start enjoying my girlfriend and our life living together finally after all these years. It was so tough being apart, I still don’t know how we managed it, but we did. Now I just want a new beginning, and it starts with this. I want us to have a great sexual relationship, instead of having sex only a few times a month, my goal is to eventually get that to a few times a week, it might take awhile for that but I’m ready for the journey. M has really messed up my sexual libido to a point sex doesn’t give much satisfaction to me, I feel like I don’t even have energy for it, most of the time we have sex is when she is on top, I don’t actually have a problem with getting an erection at all, or pre-eja ever. My real problem is that 95% of the time I get an erection, it’s only about 60 or 70% hard, it rarely ever reaches fully hard, and if it does it’s less than a minute. Almost everytime during sex I lose my erection halfway through,it’s firstly really really embarrassing and it sucks because I want to have a nice normal sexual experience. These things I’m absolutely sure are side effects of my p & m problems. There is no doubt. That’s the ultimate goal in this. To get rid of all the bad pm brings, all these memories. And move on. I want to Start thinking like a normal healthy man. Have great sex with my girlfriend (fully erect and able to go the distance without losing the erection) and never go back to the past. I simply want to grow up. I’m going to be updating my posts daily, adding a 1-5 scale based on my urges
(0 didn’t even think about pm,
1. crossed my mind a tiny bit but went away straight away.
2. Thought about doing it briefly
3. Feeling a need to do it
4. Warning, really stronge urge to pm
5. Uh oh! Danger zone! (Done it)
Hopefully I can keep those numbers as low as possible and keep building my streak as long as possible. For today I don’t have much to comment on as its my first day I haven’t really thought about it at all (urge:1 you are not going to win that easy!!!!) but I will be back tomorrow with the next update, good luck everybody and Thankyou for reading my rather long first entry, may we all build our streaks up! Have a nice day. It feels good to get all of this off my chest as I haven’t spoke about it so openly until now. Even if nobody reads this it just felt good to write it down. 3 things that I’m happy about today.
1. Work just finished yay! Was a good day at work.
2. I can go play some video games! And relax. 3. My bestfriend is coming over to our house after I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks. My bestfriend is coming over to our house after I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks.
3. Finally starting to make a change about pm, I’m feeling happy and optimistic about this!

 

Day 1 (still) Full day summary:
Okay so I’m here with my first update on this thread, I have realised that my updates will be during my lunch break early in the day most of the time, so each day when I update I will be referring to the day before, so this thread will be about exactly that.

Day 1 (Full) Overall good day in general, worked from 7 until 4, quite an easy day which is always nice, when I got home my first challenge began! Time to test my strength against temptation! My girlfriend went straight to the gym from work, meaning approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes of having a freehouse alone. (Shit!) BUT determined not to slip into old habits (though it did cross my mind once or twice) I just had a normal shower & then got on Xbox to begin playing South Park stick of truth (I bought fractured but whole and got both games included in the price for £30, I decided to start on the first instalment before playing the latest one) and played that until mia got home (going to call my girlfriend Mia from now on as an alias,still similar to her real name) she had her shower and then after that my bestfriend mark (alias) came over and all three of us played The Evil Within 2 which is a very freaky horror game on the Xbox, really good game but certain parts...Just NOPE! Scary. We had a good time and had a few laughs, it was a nice night, after he left, me and Mia went to bed.
Urge *1 or 2* Not too bad, it’s still just the beginning, however in the past I would have used that 1 hr & 30 mins to pm, this time I didn’t do it, I stayed strong and that’s a positive start. Though a few thoughts & urges did appear, I didn’t give in to them, good stuff!
(In the past I have thought about things, m to things and also pm to things thinking about Mina & Mark having sexual relations. Once again I haven’t done that this time and that’s great progress, I don’t want to fall into the same rut anymore! I don’t want to lose either of them and for that to happen I need to get my shit together.

*3 good things about my day:
1. Nice day overall and easy workday
2. Saw my bestbuddy Mark after not seeing him for a couple of weeks. (Bromance )
3. Played South Park & Evil Within 2

Also need to mention:to take a step in the right direction I think I’m going to join the 7 day no pmo challenge! Great for people starting there journey like me.
Happy streak building guys and stay safe this Black Friday a.k.a warzone Friday! I will be back for the next update.

 

I will be joining thanks!

 

Yeah I’m not really sure what the deal was and it’s still a mindfuck now, when I said cuckold I think it’s better described as a “Hotwife” fantasy. It definitely wasn’t solely me in this fantasy, it was More so her behaviour and actions that brought it on during the first year or two of the relationship, I just grew into the idea. she’s really beautiful, got a great Latina body & I guess it was kinda like a trophy to have her and wanted to show her off like shit! That’s my girl! This is what you are missing. I know it’s COMPLETELY wrong but a lot of complex backstory contributed to this. I will check the guide out, thanks stop the music!

 

I’m just going to do the 7 day challenge just as a kind of introduction, then from there take it day by day, I figured if I can complete that then I will already have a 7 day streak under my belt so it’s an incentive to keep that streak building up. Yeah I totally understand what you mean! you go on the p site looking for that ONE video and you’ll be sitting there an hour or two later and still haven’t found it. Time seems to fly so much faster when browsing p. Eating into your free time & day, after you pmo you don’t even feel that great, yet it keeps pulling you back in. The trick is to just stay away, don’t give temptation the opportunity to even try to tempt you. Even if you say in your head “just quickly” you know it won’t be.

 

Day 2 BLOWJOB from Mia say Whaaaaat!
Day 2 (Friday) was overall a good day, my aim was to make things more intimate between me and my girlfriend, and today we was pretty intimate once we got home from work in the evening, we took a shower together, she gave me a handjob and a blowjob (not affecting my streak because I didn’t even jerk it SHE DID) lol, sometimes when she does things to me the hot wife fetish kicks in, like for example when she was giving me the bj it crossed my mind thinking about another guy pounding her from behind, but I soon managed to get read of that thought, didn’t lose erection but wasn’t fully hard, around 60-70% and lasted around 8-10 mins

*Urge 2 or 3 ( mia took the edge off that though)

3 good things:

1. End of the working week
2. Intimate with girlfriend
3. Blowjob/handjob
streak 2 days (on Friday)

 

Day 3 Lazy day!
Catching up on my thread, day 3 was such a lazy day I literally felt like doing nothing, woke up at 10am and didn’t do much until about 2 in the afternoon until I took a few hours nap until the evening, then me & Mia went out to watch “Daddy’s home 2” very funny film I would recommend it,especially to whoever liked the first one.

*Urge 1 or 2 (honestly even if I wanted to m I probably couldn’t have been bothered this day xD)

3 good things about the day:

1. Everybody needs a lazy day sometimes, a good chance to rest! (Although my lazy days are a lot more frequent then they probably should be)
2. Watched daddys home 2 and enjoyed it
3. Spent the whole day with Mia and despite not doing much, we had quite a good day regardless together

 

Day 4 Suprise... ANOTHER LAZY DAY!
Seriously this weekend and me have been nothing but a combination of laziness. I couldn’t be bothered to do anything, my productivity was so terrible, I was supposed to begin Christmas shopping this weekend and didn’t even start it because I couldn’t be bothered to go out, this has got to change, it’s just wasting time! On the plus side today me and Mia played video games quite abit (La noire,Mortal Kombat X & Fifa 18) She enjoyed it & I enjoyed being in her company, she was rather horny today, she asked me to play with her breasts & suck them while she masturbated & o’d 3 or 4 times! (I’m starting to think maybe she will need nofap at this rate xD) I could have easily gave in & m but I didn’t so feeling pretty proud despite the OVERWHELMING temptation, the streaks still going strong on day 4!

*Urges I would give it a strong 4 or straight PANIC BUTTON when you are lying next to a hot girl m’ing, you a pretty much fucked if you are trying not to m yourself, somehow (a miracle) I didn’t. I learned I’m stronger than I thought today. Maybe I’ve even developed superhuman strength.

3 good things

1. MORE rest (if I really needed it. No.)
2. Stayed superhero strong by not masturbating in that situation.
3. Got the day off work tomorrow so atleast I have the chance to redeem this unproductive weekend by doing something tomorrow, we are going to winter wonderland in Hyde Park London, should be really nice we have gone for the previous 2 years.
Day 4 of streak (not going to lie starting to hit abit of a wall already and the urges seem to be getting stronger as each day goes on, hope the next few days get easier and the urges come down.
Anyways, happy streaking guys!

 

Thanks guys, I screwed up yesterday after a 4 day streak (not going to lie, I thought I would manage a lot more than that) but I can’t be too hard on myself because it was only my first attempt, now I need to go again but this time stronger and think about what I can do to make this not happen again, well... The streak resets itself...

 

Day 5 I fucked up.
Yesterday was a nice day off work with Mia. We went to winter wonderland in London as I mentioned we would and we had a great time. In the evening Mia went to the gym & I knew she would be gone for atleast an hour, I was alone and that’s when I’m at my weakest. I straight away got that same old feeling to just jump straight into browsing and watching p and pmo’d after about 10-15 mins (old me would have gone for atleast 4 times that amount) so there is improvement even if it’s very small and I screwed up my streak. I can’t be so weak when I’m alone, next time I need to make a plan in my head to either play a video game or watch a programme,go to the shops or just something, I need more self control. Back to day 0 of the streak again
*Urge meter 5 (it got me.)
3 good things:
1. A day off work
2. Had a great time at winter wonderland
3. Apart from Mia going to the gym we spent the whole day together,we enjoyed eachothers company.