Rationalization problem (warning some NSFW part)

Rationalization will get you EVERY time. I've been (and still am) a victim to it.

You can talk yourself into anything if your brain wants it bad enough. Prior to NoFap, I'd tried many times on my own to quit porn. I'd delete my entire porn folder on my HD, cancel accounts to porn sites I'd signed on to and for a day or so I thought, "I won't want to go to the trouble of finding all those videos again after I've deleted them, so this'll make it easy for me." WRONG! Within a very short time, I'd' rationalized that porn folder full again. Signed on to NEW websites and I was back to doing the same thing over and over.

At first I thought I'd keep just one or two of my favorite videos, JUST those, nothing else, just to tide me over when I get anxious. But of course, fapping to the same video over and over again gets boring. That's the whole point of this addiction. Your brain craves variety. I'd surf for hours searching for the PERFECT porn clip, one that matched my mood and this idealized fantasy in my mind perfectly. And there were a few times I'd found a video and thought "WOW! This is what i've been looking for! It's like they reached into my head and made my fantasy real! I'll never need to fap to another video ever again!"

Of course that's a lie. In days that video would get used and boring and I'd be on the search for something else.

When I first started looking at porn, it was just Playboys I'd managed to get my hands on as a teen, young man. Pretty girls posing in a variety of ways. Heaven for a teenage boy. Then it became more and more unsatisfying as I gained access to VIDEO. Full color, sound and motion. What could be better? Turns out that watching just plain sex got to be old hat. The level of taboo kept escalating. FFM, MMF, Teens, Incest, wife swapping etc. My brain kept telling me that what I was looking at wasn't good enough, I had to get a new rush. My brain even talked me into viewing gay porn. I'm not even gay, I have no desire to do any of the things I witnessed for real but for some reason, I'd sometimes get turned on and fap to them.

Eventually porn wasn't even enough anymore. Part of me really wanted to experience some things for real.

I went to a couple strip clubs, paid for lap dances. I thought "all guys do this, it's no big deal, I didn't touch anything" and I'd go home and fap to the girl later.

But then I found out that there were strip clubs where you could get "extras" and that sounded so incredibly hot to me. But I told myself "If I just got an HJ, that's not real sex, many guys do that, it's not cheating". And of course I managed to find said clubs and get extras, but I kept it just to HJ's.

Then I'd heard about massage parlors, where you and the girl were both naked and she'd do the same thing. Again I thought "I'm not going to have sex with her, I'm just getting a "super HJ". Which of course I did, but when you have a naked woman offer you a BJ for a little extra money, it's hard to resist. Again I thought "BJ's aren't actual sex, yes it's not right, but it's not REALLY cheating, maybe if I just did this once in a while to get it out of my system."

Then during one massage parlor trip, the woman offered me full-on sex. With protection of course but it was almost like she was offended when I initially told her I only wanted a BJ, but she talked me into it. So then i'd officially cheated on my wife. I figured "OK, I did it, I got it out of my system, I feel incredibly guilty but I swear I'll NEVER do that again!".

Of course I did it again.

When I was away on a trip alone, I was surfing escort listings out of "curiosity" when one stood out to me. I made an appointment and met her at her motel room. I had a difficult time looking my wife in the eye when I returned, but I managed. I feel like sleaze that I can keep this secret so easily now. But I have to, it will end out marriage if I don't.

That last encounter was a year ago and it was all due to my fascination with porn. My rationalizing escalated each behavior to a level I never dreamed possible for me. I felt I was better than that. I always thought guys who cheated were one of the lowest forms of life on the planet, and now here I am, one of them.

My wife knows about my PMO addiction and she's been wonderful in trying to help me get off of it, but she will never know what level my PMO brought me to. I"m just thankful I ended that behavior before I caught some STD and gave it to my wife, OR she discovered what I was doing and divorced me. All I can do is try to get off of porn and focus solely on her, now and forever.

So DO NOT open that story. Because it WON'T be "just this once" or "I'll just keep this story". I guarantee you that after a few reads it will lose it's luster and you'll be off looking for new and exciting stories. Who knows what that rationalizing will eventually lead you to?

I'm sorry this was so long too, feels good to get it out in the open though.

 

No, don't read the story. Our problem is that our brain's chemical reward center cannot distinguish between seeing porn, thinking about it, imagining it remembering it, etc., and actual sex. Porn substitutes are the same thing. I am talking about things that are not strictly speaking "porn" but make us think about it. Stories like you mention are one. Sure, on an intellectual level we know its all fake, but the brain's chemical reward center cannot distinguish between porn (imagined sex) and real sex; it rewards all of it with a release of dopamine. Problem: porn is so everywhere, so easily accessed, that eventually the brain gets addicted to the dopamine release it causes. The brain also rewards novelty or new things, so many of us escalate what we watch from just regular sex to things more shocking, such as bdsm. Anyway, recognizing that the brain's chemical reward center could not distinguish fake sex (porn) from real sex was a major milestone in my recovery. Have not seen porn, have not PMOed or MOed for quite a while. Helps that I have a partner, so I have outlet. Good luck on your journey, I hope you make it. Peace.

 

I think FapensteinsMonster's story is really good, I bookmarked this page so that I will read it when I need to. Here is my less dramatic story:

Before my NoFap journey, I condescended all kinds of addicts. I wondered how can someone be so weakminded loser to not be able to give up smoking or alcohol.

Then I gave myself another chance (third or fourth time I guess) ten days ago. I was fully prepared: I bookmarked pages about relapse and disgusting videos, I deleted the app I use to fap (a wallpaper app) from my phone, I deleted my x-rated stumbleupon page that I used to fap, I have listed things that I sweared that I will read before fapping, I would do push-ups, cold shower, I would reach my accountability partner blah blah... Long story short, I spent a week on ways of making my NoFap try easy this time. Hey, I even made practices about Red X Technique to stop imagining pornographic scenes.

Reading what kinds of precautions I have taken, it seems unlikely that I fapped right? NO WAY. That innocent guy that was caring about imaginary porn turned into someone else who was ready to edge all to way to the orgasm step by step- which is why rationalization is a huge issue and you shouldn't read that story.

I forgot about the the red x technique and imagined having sex with someone in my mind in around day 5. I watched some movies involving nude scenes. Then I installed the app to check some not-too-stimulating pictures. Then I created another stumbleupon page to ''just get into quality stuff'' (it is not even true). Since I was not watching porn or touching my penis, everything was ok -because I believed that I have to give something to my pitiful imagination. Then two days ago I started to check out porn pictures and it was rational too since it wasn't exactly porn. Then I started to play with my penis to at least have some pleasure, I thought that just because I can't fap, it doesn't mean that I can't enjoy some sexual feelings). Then I went to edging, since I have never done it before and I was curious, it was a rational decision. Eventually, after several sessions of edging I went to bathroom and started to edge again. But after some time I just said to myself that ''it has been 10 days, I was great so far, I may control myself before ejaculating, I have watched so many stimulating stuff that will full my mind for some time, I may have blue balls for edging and have heavy pain, and lastly fuck it, it's no big deal''. All those reading what I wrote or cold showers or reaching my accountability partner were far away in my mindset of that time.

By the way, this is reason that I think I have to check my decision on accountability partnership. I mean when in danger of relapsing; if I could be rational enough to reach him, I would be more than enough rational to not masturbate so why would he be any good?

So my point is that, from zero-tolerance policy to consiciously fapping; this whole process was rational step by step. I wouldn't find it rational to edge when I was just checking for normal pictures or I wouldn't find it rational to give up on day 10 when I entered to the bathroom but this whole fucking idea of step by step rationalization got me muddled up so I went back to where I have started. Even my 10 day-longed experience sums up this goddamn process. Good luck.