28 Year Old 'Nude Photographer' Putting Foot Down, and Camera

Hi Everyone,

I go by Photohobo, I'm 28 years old, and have been addicted to porn since the age of 12. It has always been a vice to make time go by and not feel depressed. More recently I feel like I have to do it to be able to focus on things in life that matter, like work, sleep, and going out to meet with friends. I find I get distracted when I don't fap first. Porn addiction aside, I'm very interested in doing what is right, I'm a feminist, a vegan, and I'm always trying to help other people out. I consider myself to be very compassionate and open minded.

I've been in an amazing relationship for almost 5 years now with the love of my life. Everything has always seemed perfect, for the most part. I've been open about looking at porn sometimes, though not with how often I do, or how necessary it always feels. My partner has been okay with what I've told her, and supportive.

I've been a photographer for the past decade, most of the photos I share are ones that are PG in nature, or adventure themed. I've been lucky enough to be able to turn it into a full time job for several years recently. I have pretty consistently also shot artistic nudes photos of girls who vary in age (18-45), ethnicity, weight, and look. My girlfriend has supported this part of my work just like any other, and we have had great communication. That said I've always felt a little shame about shooting nudes, though whenever I speak about it people are very supportive. I make every shoot unique, and spend a lot of time building sets, telling stories, and focusing on other details to make the images unique aside from the nude models.

Here's the thing, I feel like I live a pretty guilt free life, though I haven't been real with myself yet on what I'm getting off to. I'll go on cam sites, and watch without paying and look at selfie pictures of naked girls taking pictures in mirrors which are likely only meant for their partners to see. I don't doubt that a huge chunk of the stuff that I've come by on the web weren't meant for my eyes to see. And what is worse is that I often get off to my own photos that I've taken of models who have collaborated with me on artistic photo shoots. At the shoots themselves I'm very professional, and not going for anything sleazy. When I'm alone my photos are just like any others that I see online, except I'm basically going behind my models, and friends' backs to pleasure myself. I never realized how messed up this was until I went to my partner and told her I was feeling stressed out about what I do again, and I slipped and mentioned saying that I've gotten off to models artistic photos that I've shot.

This got a huge shocked response from my partner, and rightfully so. I never really thought about it, as weird as that sounds. When I get off, my mind and body are on auto-pilot. I don't think about ethics, and when I'm not feeling it I don't think about it all. Another weird note is that I can't stand to think about people looking at my work with a sex intent, it hurts to think about people not seeing it for it's artistic value. So why do I find it okay to do it myself? I don't think I do, really. Maybe I've just been in denial?

Over the past week I've been more open with my partner than ever, and it's become clear that my actions have lead to a lot of hurt on her end that I didn't think was there. I feel awful. I'm going to stop looking at porn, and for the foreseeable future, and maybe for ever stop shooting and looking at artistic nudes. Reading up on porn addictions, my life is beginning to make sense. I have so many of the symptoms that have been collected from the NoFap community.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I can make sense of so many sad parts of my lifestyle. I've been very open with my girlfriend about what the addiction is and parallels that I notice. I want to give this my all, so here is my introduction. I hope I can learn from the website and maybe even help some other people out in the community. I'm thankful that NoFap exists, and I'm feeling optimistic this time.

If you read this far, cheers!

 

Thanks Septimus and D.J., so far so good. I don't really have any current strategies for stopping myself aside from self control. My conscience is more active than it has been in some time, I realize what is at stake and don't want to tread near that territory. I've been cleaning more so far lol. What are your current strategies?