HOCD and regret

Its so crazy lol! I just laugh when my brain makes me see any guy in a weird way It can be the ugliest guy on earth and boom sexual thoughts come. I dont even let it bother me. I just laugh lol. @Livingnightmare don't fight the ocd just go with it. It will all be over soon.

 

I got a blow job too by a gay guy

 

I have ADHD aswell , and I watched regular porn for like 18years, I think with ADHD we are prone to seek high levels of dopamine . After about 18 years I escalted to transgendered person porn , after about a month , even though watching it made me feel sick , I still did because it was giving me dopamine and obviously pmo , it's pretty fucked to think that it is a form of self medicating, that can lead me to doing something like this , to continually ignore symptoms of disgust, sickness, shame , simply because it's giving me an easy access of dopamine .
I have added multiple layers of security on my phone ,app locks ontop of app locks , so I cannot access porn and cannot delete the apps. Pc at home is already dismantled , already feel a weight being lifted ,

I did NoFap for about 2 days ,before the extreme precautions, and already began to flatline , I was thinking and dreaming about women which made me relapse , and I automatically went back to the transgendered person stuff.

Moral of the story you need to abstain especially in the early days because your brain is primed to seek it out for its dopamine , porn is pretty fucked especially the transgendered person genre , it's almost as though you see this women but with another body part , and for some reason the women side overrides everything else , it's now a women with her own member , it's no longer the member you know it as it is on a dude . It's fucked up , but that is why there are also feelings of sickness etc because that is not real in nature

After about a month of watching this genre , I'm noticing much less dopamine , and am only 35% hard , it just goes to show how escalation works,

Initial big kick in dopamine then if abused ,less and less, took me 18 years to escalate , took me about one month to get bored of transgendered person stuff .

This is not wat I want for my life , just for an easy source of dopamine , and relief ,

So I advise to you put in all precautionary measures that you can that overtime you will get past it, like blocks etc until you get further on

continuing to pmo with only keep your perceptions skewed from reality and OCD hocd present in your mind ,