Crippling HOCD

Dealing with sexuality issues is not pathetic or weak at all, many people struggle with such things and it's hard for them too! It sounds like you have a good appreciation for life.

Out of interest, what makes you believe you suffer from HOCD instead of you just having a fluid sexuality that has grown?

 

Well, I am gay and for years and years I wished I wasn't, told myself I could find a girl that would suit me, but eventually I realised that wasn't going to happened and I accepted myself, got into a great relationship and I have never been happier or prouder.

If you were Bi or gay- there is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with that

Abstaining from PMO will help your mind and body heal and without porn getting in the way you will be able to find out what actually speaks to you

Have you always masturbated to porn? Did your sexual cravings for men always exist or is a recent development. How about in real life, when it comes to emotions (sex aside for the moment) have you ever loved anyone? Had a crush? if so was it with a male or female, or both?

 

I think I've had these thoughts at times too. I, myself, never stressed over it, which doesn't help you, I know.

But I quickly got over it by just dumping all the labels and categories of sexuality and just being me. Over the years, I don't even think about it and I view myself as myself.

Would that be a possible path for you to take?

Also, having fun with it, just creating your own category could be another route.

I hope that helps or inspires any thing that helps.

 

Heya brother, it's time to take a couple of deep breaths and relax.

You are probably straight. That's what I think based on reading your story. You want to be straight, you have a preference for girls, you think the idea of having sex with men is disgusting. You are psyching yourself out because you are a virgin and are feeling the pressure that we ALL feel as men about our masculinity, this is the way that you are responding to it. It's way more prevalent that you might imagine (because the other guys don't want to talk about it either!)

A younger version of myself in a similar situation as you literally went out of my way to have sex with guys, only to find that just like I thought, I didn't enjoy it. The worst part is even that didn't settle it for me. What if those just weren't the right guys? Maybe I need to try again.

I am a straight man, and I have done crazy sexual things in my life. Almost all of it was just pornography.

Porn and fantasy are NOT the real world. They don't tell you what your sexual preferences actually are. They are just porn, and they are just stuff that is fun to fantasize about, and when it gets out of balance it can literally make us crazy.

It's your HOCD that's sapping you of your confidence, and your lack of confidence is preventing you from finding a lady, and the stress from not finding a lady is giving you HOCD...

Give up the porn for a while. Give yourself a chance to feel in to what you actually want. And relax brother, even IF you were gay, having sex and being in love is great! Whether it's with women or men, you really can't lose. I am willing to bet that if you give yourself a break from P,M and O you will find your self confidence and you will be amazed how much women respond to that.

 

I know exactly how you feel. Porn has made me feel like a loser beta male because it distorts reality. I struggle with humiliation porn and that has affected me coupled with the fact that I'm a virgin also. I never made it to gay porn but I progressed to ts and sissy genres that messed with my mind. I still fantasize about it but I believe its because our brains are so used to receiving pleasure from those thoughts and images. I never had interest in men or been remotely attracted to them before P or even now. For me its the humiliation factor that makes me think like you are. Go on a 90 day reboot and see what you feel like after that it might take longer but that's okay. Wouldn't you rather do that and know what your true feelings are than stay confused like this? There's nothing wrong with being a virgin I'm proud of that fact that in todays society I still am one even though I've been in situations that could have changed that. A lot of people I know said they wish they would have waited till it was more special. I know plenty of girls that think it's really sweet and good that I'm waiting for the right person and time. Don't view it as a handicap if anything it makes you more unique today.

 

If you're disgusted by the idea of homosexuality...that might be the "real you" too. A natural disgust by it. I'm that way too. It's innate for me.
However, PMO is so wacked out that you might still enjoy the depravity of it as an object of lust.
As others have said: stay away from PMO for 90 days and revisit the "sexuality" question.

 

Neophyte, do yourself a favor and quit porn for a bit.

 

I went for 117 days no PMO with a few Psubs here and there, I'm still not feeling 100% cured from my HOCD but I can safely say that it's gotten WAY better than how I felt prior to the reboot. I engaged in PMO for 10 years nearly every single day of my life, it felt normal because "everyone else was doing it too".

I know I'm straight and it's more than likely that you also know you're straight, in fact, everyone who suffers from HOCD knows deep down that they're straight and any intrusive thoughts are caused by HOCD and your new fetishes are caused by the escalation of your tastes due to the overusage of P. It's as simple as that.

P does not reflect how real life sex is nor what your real preferences are. P IS NOT the way to find out what your sexuality is, I don't care what anyone says.
If anything, it disrupts your views on what sex should be like and sooner or later you'll be watching even worse categories.

Ask yourself a question:
Can you see yourself in a loving relationship with a man?

If you answered yes, then you're probably bi or gay. If you answered no, then there you have it, problem solved.
Any other factors such as "curiosity" or "being fluid" are of no concern to you and play no part in the bigger picture, many many many people with HOCD have reported engaging in sexual acts with the same gender only to feel even more depressed and confused, you have to quit P and you have to endure a long reboot, you need to forget about sexual things entirely, sex doesn't play a part in every day life contrary to popular belief.

Don't ignore your thoughts though, meditate and be mindful and answers will start showing up, you'll soon see how ridiculous the whole situation sounds and eventually you'll be in a loving relationship with a woman - the way it's meant to be.

Edit: One other thing, don't listen to anybody who doesn't know what HOCD is about. It's as serious as any other form of OCD, which is a mental disease that isn't easy to control, if you let other uninformed/misinformed individuals answer your HOCD related questions you'll just feel more confused.

 

Once upon a time there was an emperor whose only interest in life was to dress up in fashionable clothes. He kept changing his clothes so that people could admire him.
Once, two thieves decided to teach him a lesson.
They told the emperor that they were very fine tailors and could sew a lovely new suit for him. It would be so light and fine that it would seem invisible. Only those who were stupid could not see it. The emperor was very excited and ordered the new tailors to begin their work.
One day, the king asked the prime minister to go and see how much work the two tailors had done. He saw the two men moving scissors in the air but he could see no cloth! He kept quiet for fear of being called stupid and ignorant. Instead, he praised the fabric and said it was marvellous.
Finally, the emperor’s new dress was ready. He could see nothing but he too did not want to appear stupid. He admired the dress and thanked the tailors. He was asked to parade down the street for all to see the new clothes. The emperor paraded down the main street. The people could only see a naked emperor but no one admitted it for fear of being thought stupid.
They foolishly praised the invisible fabric and the colours. The emperor was very happy.
At last, a child cried out, “The emperor is naked!”
Soon everyone began to murmur the same thing and very soon all shouted, “The emperor is not wearing anything!”
The emperor realised the truth but preferred to believe that his people were stupid.

 

Please, there is no need to apologise, we all have insecurities and you are certainly not lame. Society/TV etc likes to create an impression that men must be tough and front things out and that showing emotion is weak- you know what? All of that is absolute bullshit!

Never, ever be afraid to talk about your feelings or show emotion, you are not weak, lame or pathetic for doing so, you are actually strong, honest and healthy- later in life if you get married or are in a long term relationship your partner is going to treasure the fact that you can open up emotionally not only that but it's immensely beneficial for your own mental health

 

Don't talk yourself down, you are worthy of having sex with a woman. Take your time with this. I'm on day seven and my urges and thoughts of PMO have dropped these last two days. Even the sissy stuff has disappeared a bit. You'll see improvement over time.

 

That's wonderful news. Do you have a counter on here? I'm feeling better already and loving it. Well there's another sign you like women.