Open To Reasons To Go On But Maybe I'm Done --- Several Day 90s, Years, Multiple Mountains Climbed

I was going to post this days ago but was too busy. Today is Day 90 since I started again last June. I was going to write that this is the period where I begin to doubt everything and the future becomes uncertain. What follows is a look within and in no way intended to be a discouragement of others or criticism from the outside. I'm with you all. So these are entirely my own thoughts and observations. In no way meant to be a negative or discouraging force, criticism, or egocentric view when it comes to my own experiences. So I'll just begin with what could appear egocentric but truly is not....

NoFap is easy for me. I can jump onto a challenge and see it through without relapse. I discovered it several years ago and started at a low point in life when I was sorting out a serious depression and decided that my mind needed to be cleared. That first time, I went 27 months --- 2 full years and 3 months (or some odd weeks, I can't even remember the exact day count but it was in the 800s as I recall). I never once relapsed.

After the depression stuff got sorted out the next year or so was one of growth and friendship and overall happiness, and I was meeting girls and having fun, but looking back, in my heart of hearts, for me personally, I can't attribute that to NoFap. It was the phase and time of life. Not NoFap. I was on this experiment to see what it would yield and got a lot of answers.

After the initial streak I was reticent of using MO as an escape mechanism. Again, I don't want to be arrogant of myself or belittling of anyone else: I am clearly not an addict, and never was. What little P I used, which is not to evade the reality of it and that it warps perceptions of reality, but what little P I used was not anything close to what folks struggle with these days. I was a '90s adolescent. It was centerfolds in a magazine subtitled "Entertainment For Men" and later on audio but not visual. I was actually always put off by and completely uninterested it visual stuff, being so fiercely into women that I didn't want to really see another dude's wee-wee (for an adolescent locker room euphemism, haha).

So in the year after my initial streak --- which was on my first try ---- I conducted the return to MO as another kind of experiment. I've lost count but I think this is the third time I've done 90 days since then. When I would become wary of any kind of P sneaking back in, I'd cut ties and go back on the regiment, basically with no difficulty at all. The worst part was always the first wet dream from the pressure buildup, about 40 days or so in each time. If I could get through that (because the first was more than once physically painful to the point of almost screaming, but after that they were normal again) I could get through the entire commitment.

So here I am again and for the past week or so I've been contemplating what comes next.

To a large extent, I've conquered the mountain. I have no debilitating addiction and probably never did. I needed to clear my mind and I did. Even from a place of habit the times I have been used to MO, I can clearly quit without much if any difficulty or the need to check in for support every 4 hours. My heart goes out to those who struggle with these things. I understand what it's like to struggle in life too. It's just that my struggles are not these struggles, if that makes sense.

I go on these streaks and I can't say that it has lead to the increased motivation or productivity others report. What often happens is I wind up overworking myself to the point of exhaustion and in fact experiencing elevated stress levels. But I don't take the easy way out and I don't relapse to cope. Once I make a commitment I stick to it. But I was always this way. Even before that first multiple year run.

I'm on a three plus year dry spell and haven't been on a date at all since last Fall and NoFap seems to be completely inconsequential on my momentum or lack thereof with dating. I never suffered from or experienced PIED or had difficulty being intimate with a woman.

NoFap has in no way gotten me any closer to long-term career goals or fulfillment in my work. I've made certain strides and had certain setbacks but they've been from within, and NoFap hasn't really had anything at all to do with it. In fact, one of the most productive years was that year I went back to MO after the first run. I don't suspect that it's this way for everyone but I was always a controlled person even at the height of what would be called my use of PMO in my early to mid 20s. Now I'm 35 years old and don't see any correlation between the past almost 4 years of growth (I first started Oct. 2012 --- went solid to Dec. 2014 --- then multiple 90 day stretches in phases since) and my social or professional life. Where they were in shambles, they remain in shambles. Where there was progress, there remains progress. It's very surreal, because I believe these benefits are real but it's like looking at it from a place of gain instead of loss. I'm not peeking in from the outside, wishing I could hop on the train and wondering what's down the tracks. I've been on the train --- easily --- experienced it --- learned and drawn my own observations....and found out that my understanding of the truth is (like most things in life) somewhere in the middle. That destructive and demeaning P is a negative aspect in our society, and that MO isn't really the way anyone wants to go through life (alone), but when I was lonely, I was lonely whether I jerked off or not, and when I was not, I couldn't attribute it to "because I stuck with NoFap!"

I'm with you all, however, because self-growth and improvement are real. To a large extent I deal with things everyday like anyone else.

I just honestly don't know if there's much more I can glean from NoFap.

I have no idea which way I'll go. Maybe an outside observer would make the criticism that my goals aren't well-defined enough, or that I need a stronger or clearer commitment to what exactly I want. That said, I already got what I wanted out of it. I'm weary of rationalization too, and just about the most responsible person I know...in life. So I'm not about to go off the deep end either.

I may just resolve to stay on it --- another 90 --- another year --- another two, three --- forever? Obviously I'm open to the possibilities. But NoFap is a paradox. I think we all need the lessons and in order to get those we have to make a clear commitment and stick with it and reach those goals. For me, I kind of already did and from here what comes next is a big question mark.

Perhaps not the most uplifting 90 day report but the most honest one I could express