A little about me: I suffered a closed head injury when I was very young, 3 or 4 I think. Elementary school, I was put on mind-altering drugs that permanently damaged my brain, while my Mom had the pre-conceived notion of me being a "vegetable" so to speak (unable to have a job, family, be productive in society, etc) shoved down her throat by countless authority figures in my life: Teachers and doctors mostly. As a result I was a very sheltered child, and in fact didn't actually live independently of an adult until I was 23, when I left my abusive stepfather. Over the course of my teenage years I discovered porn and masturbation as a cure for boredom and loneliness. When I left my stepdad and eventually moved in with my roommate, I couldn't motivate myself to do anything and my porn/hentai addiction grew even worse. I got my first part time job at age 29, worked for nine months, left and worked a year at another job. Now, I work a full time factory job. In March I had a health scare and started running. Lost four waist sizes and a shirt size and I'm still losing weight. However, through all of this the masturbation persisted until... June. In June I was able to quit for a full month. I was drawing, reading, working hard and being very productive. Somewhere along the way, after coming back from a Florida trip I fell back into it, and it's been getting worse. Also, I am a Christian. I have a rock solid faith in God, and I find that this problem becomes it's worst when I am trying to focus on my faith. I hope that by focusing on prayer and study, my productivity in other things will return to me. When I try to focus on my Bible, prayer, etc. or when my mind becomes idle, it's as though every single porn, hentai, etc I've ever looked at, just bears down on my brain. It gets to a point where it physically hurts: Headaches, dry heaving, sometimes even near vomiting and extreme pain in my loins (following a week or two of successful abstinence). Any advice I can get to climb out of this hole will be immensely helpful. That month of June... Where my confidence with women, my productivity and my mood were just shining beacons of hope for whatever time I have left on Earth... I want that to be permanent.
It sounds like you're having terrible withdrawal symptoms, which is normal, but maybe not as extreme as in your case. To need to be vigilant about this and not give in to the temptations. Stay strong!
What infuriates me the most, is that I consciously know it's happening, but I can't physically stop, and on the rare occasion I manage to do so my entire brain and body almost receive a jolt similar to an electric charge. My body convulses and my brain becomes hazy while my stomach churns. I almost feel... possessed. I hate it so much, the presence of these things in my mind and the way it physically manifests in my habits, it feels wicked and evil.
That's nuts. Have you spoken with a healthcare professional, or with a sex therapist? That would be incredibly hard to deal with. Please seek some help, Brother.
Hey man, Stick with bro. Its difficult, I know, I just started looking at the forums this morning (5am here!) as I felt like I was going to relapse myself. I need to get over this, and know I will! I believe you can do this bud, you know where you wanna be, there are some difficult steps on the way. I agree with @Tonytone If you are feeling it really bad, speak to someone. I could be helpful for you to understand what are your triggers, also, if you have unresolved issues with your stepfather, who sounds like a class one bastard, talking it through with a professional or perhaps your priest could help? This habit starts somewhere, and it seems you have a good idea of the cause. A therapist could be really useful for you. See if your work provides some type of employee assistance program. Stay strong.
I haven't sought help because too many people tell me it's normal to masturbate, when I know from obvious experience that it isn't. I also don't need anymore quacks trying to prescribe medications, or make me looks stupid/insane. Had enough of that growing up.
It is really unhelpful when people say that! Seriously, look around for a therapist, try a few and see who you get along with best. You need someone who will help you, not give their opinion on a situation. If you think it's a problem, it's a problem. People are out there to help. Posting on here, for me at least, seems to work well as a diversion.
