Starting a new chapter - NoFap

What is going on everyone? I'm a 20 year old male who has had enough of the cycle of porn. I've been watching porn since about 11 and masturbating since 13. I'd say for the past seven years i've masturbated like 2-3 times a day. I should mention there was a 3 month period in 2015 where I was seeing this girl and I very rarely did it, like once every two weeks, I thought it was wrong to do so when in a relationship. We never did anything besides kiss really, she was a very religious girl and I respected her wishes. Her family didn't want her seeing me so she left me in 2015. After that it turned right back to porn out of loneliness, PMOing sometimes 5 times in a day. In addition, my Dad died the year before that. He was like my hero and the man I aspired to be like. I was already suffering from depression and anxiety before I met this girl.
I soon found the lesbian and straight porn were becoming a bit boring so I looked at stuff I could never see my self looking at. I went from the "normal" stuff to mature, bondage, forced. My fantasies also became a bit weird. Maybe in a bit of anger or sadness, I had fantasies of catching my theoretical wife cheating on me with a man or a woman and me cheating on her with another woman.

That got boring so I got onto gay porn like 3 months ago. I can't say I was entirely repulsed by what I saw, at the same time I didn't particularly get aroused by it. I admit there are certain things that I can't watch as it isn't too pleasing to look at. I still used it to see how I would find it and once I got off I didn't really feel anything. It was like, "Ok then, that is that." Using straight porn I would feel some relief, satisfaction, joy (kinda, idk what word to use lol) and be kinda tired. Most recently I have been obsessed with the thought that I might be gay. I wake up and the first thing I hear in my head is a voice telling me I am gay and I should just tell everyone. When I think rationally, it doesn't make sense since my whole life I've never showed any signs and have always liked women, I always dreamed of meeting the right girl and getting married. I play for a semi-pro football/soccer team and went to an all boys secondary school. I've been around males most of life but felt nothing. I can admit when another guy is good looking but it never goes beyond that. I spoke to a friend of mine who identifies as gay and he said I was being stupid, telling me that I would have known by now if I was. Even still I can't shake off these intrusive thoughts that only fuel my anxiety further. To reassure my self I constantly watch both kinds of porn to see which gets me more aroused (neither does at this point to be honest) and always look on forums for answers. I still make sure not to give in completely by going to the gym and playing for this team. If I avoid it it is like I'm giving in to this voice. I feel like I have to check myself though constantly. I used to only notice women when I went out but now I look at the guys and constantly ask myself, "are you attracted to him? Do you like him?" I miss just being able to have peace of mind. I really have nothing against homosexuals. I just feel like I am not one myself. My parents raised me to respect everyone regardless of race, religion, sexuality etc as we are all human at the end of the day.

In regards to looking at women, I'm kind of ashamed all I see is an object for sex. I really hate that is how I see them now. I missed being awe just by a woman's beauty and how I felt when talking to one. I struggle with women now, I can't even start a conversation with one. There has been rare occasion I have seen a woman and I think she is cute but I can't do anything because I hear voice telling me I am worthless and a girl like her would never go with a guy like me. That same voice taunts me every time I PMO. All I can hear is it saying, "What kind of woman would want you, a guy that just watches porn?" If you haven't guessed by now, yes I am still a virgin...at 20. Kind of embarrassing. I feel like I'll never lose it. I haven't even been on a date or gotten a girl's number since my ex-girlfriend, 2 years ago. My self confidence is at an all time low, and now it is impacting other areas in my life.

I found this community when looking up HOCD and homosexual anxiety. I have read lot of people similar to me and they have tried the NoFap and most have come through feeling a million times better. I want to try this starting today. I want to get my confidence back and get hold of my life again. I want to break this cycle of anxiety, PMO and self-loathing. I want to feel good again. Ultimately, I want to get back out in the real world and meet real women and not just look at them on a screen. All I want is for any tips on how to get through this. Breaking a habit is hard. I don't want to feel trapped by porn and these intrusive thought any longer.

 

I don't really have any strategies to be honest. Been trying to simply go for walks when I feel an urge and it kinda helps.