Hi all Like many of you, I am posting here to give back to all of you that post and whose posts have helped me in the past. I am also posting for accountability. My story: I am a 33 year old doctor in the UK. I got divorced about 14 month ago and I have been recovering since. To sum up my 20's, I was not doing terribly badly, but I was distinctly average. I drank to much on the weekends, I let myself get out of shape and I put up with a bad relationship because I was in love. The quickest way to explain my failed marriage is I white knighted a damaged woman whilst also exhibiting lots of beta behaviors. The biggest of these being not driving my life forward and focusing on my mission. Since being single again I have slowly rebuilt. I have been lifting for a year and feel much better about my health. I have a better grasp of myself as a whole. I have quit watching films or TV alone and I have started up several social hobbies to fill my free evenings with. I have had several milestones in my career over the past year, which I have smashed. I realised after my divorce that I was sliding into the average, crappy life that you see all around you. I didn't want that. I wanted to be someone I was proud of. I knew there were a few things I didn't like about my habits: 1) My health 2) smoking 3) booze 4) PMO/my sexual assertiveness As mentioned my health has improved dramatically. I am eating much better and hitting the gym hard. I used to be a social smoker in my 20's. This I quit, but I ended up vaping instead. I quit this totally about 3 months ago. I drink much less than I used to. I recognise that drinking alcohol to excess doesn't let me live the life I want to live. This is something I may quit entirely in the future also. Before I attempt this I want to talk about.......PMO Now that I am single, dating and having sex with new partners, I have had the chance to look at my relationship with PMO in broad daylight. I recognise now that it is an escape, just like any drug. It is too easy just to be lazy on a Sat and spend all day jerking it. Being slightly older, I didn't have access to the type of porn that is available to young men today. Porn has however been part of my life since I was 16. I have had multiple girlfriends over the years and I never really thought porn was a problem. However, I defiantly relate to several of the symptoms of porn addiction that I have read about. I have difficulty achieving orgasm without fantasizing during sex and the type of porn I watch has also graduated in taboo/severity over the years. When not abstaining, I have also had the feeling of, "I can't be bothered to go on a date tonight/go over to my gfs house, I could just jack off". Regarding my sexual assertiveness, sleeping with a new partner is great, but if I am watching a lot of porn, the imputes to pursue new women is dampened because you don't value sex that much. I do not want to look back and regret all those shots I didn't take. It is also easier to put up with mediocre sex if you live your sexual fantasies out online, rather than seek out those experiences IRL. I have managed 14 days pron free (about a week ago) before relapsing. I am going for 90 days (to start) porn free and no/limited masturbation (once a week max). I hope not to use this but if I do not have a partner for a particular week, I would rather get to 90 porn free than just fall off the wagon. TLR So in short, I am on a self improvement gig and I have recognised porn for the life drainer it is. I want to have control over my time and urges and have better sex with the women I am intimate with. I have experienced intense pain over the last year and a half. I have now realised that this pain is a gift. It is fuel I can use to push through the bars of the prison I made myself. No man is made without walking through the killing fields of adversity. Thanks for reading!
