I relapsed. Feels like shit. It was going so easy I thought I had full control. I said that I can peek a little I can control myself. No. Never do it.
day 16 . today urges are very strong. I feel more confident, happy. I know rebooting is important for my life so I don't listent to urges
Ohhhh my maaaan. Had some really tough night, last night. Maybe it started with me going to movie with a mate. He just called me and he's like you want to watch a movie? yeah, maybe, when? 20min...okay. Anabelle 2. And the jewish with green shirt oh my crap. She's cute . Then I got home and didn't really do anything but just messed around on the internet. This got me horny quite a lot. I wanted to relapse but I remember at one point I actually got reaaaly motivated by remembering I'm on this threat and I do not want to quit. I'm already one slip in. And that 1 slip is irrelevant actually, I'm here for life not for a medium length strike or 180 days damn it! I even used the emergency button on nofap. Helped me in desperate times .I battled it until 3am and then meditated a bit, worked out a bitas well and fell asleep quickly, around 430am. Ah I think it is accurate to say this qualifies among my strogest urges EVER. It lasted a gooood while too. I still feel like I need more motivation. This morning girls seemed too 'much', although now in the afternoon I'm calmer. Anyway, I made a commitment last week after surfing too much internet to meditate 3 hours at least per day this week So I've yet to pick that up today. SPARTAN SPIRIT everybody, stand bold to your dreams; you can give in for a few moments of fake pleasure, only to go back into mIsery, Or you can fight! or you CAN BREAK THE CYCLE WITH WILLPOWER and LIVE! and everything that words means, to FULLEST! HAVE SOME PRIDE!
Oh I forgot to mention something amazing I just realised not more than 2 hours ago. My body, my stepping, my calmness, my natural reaction, the lightness of my body, the smooth control over the tension of my muscles, the natural easiness of standing more straight and simulatenous awareness of my back's posture and the rest of my body in general, everything! is on another level to say yestarday. I don't know what hit me. But I feel like every aspect of me functions on a better, faster, more awake level. It's freaking awesome
Guys! since that relapse the other day I've noticed my social anxiety is through the roof! just been to the barbers and could barely speak, kept biting my lips, just felt really uneasy. Abstaining for those 17 days didn't cure my anxiety but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it's been since I relapsed so PMO just isn't worth it.
Going away for a few days guys, should be back on Wednesday or Thursday night. Stay strong and don't let urges defeat you.
Interesting observation. I have always thought my social anxiety was caused by being depressed, but since being on here I have realised it goes hand in hand with this addiction. I am hoping I will see a change. It is something I am in serious need of on a daily basis because I have to go into schools as a relief teacher. Does anyone else feel super negative and low in the mornings when waking up and then better by the evening? My next challenge is to get up when my alarm goes off. I haven't done that consistently since.....well, ever!
So... does binging count as various relapses? I was in the last post and suffered at 7 days... Just wondering.
Aaaand, I guess I'm out now. I fell asleep slighty, woke up and just did MO the second I woke up...I was in a type of trance since I wasn't fully awake Guess my inner self is not as serious as I am just yet...