Day 31. Feeling clean and feeling good.

Day 31

Feeling clean and feeling good.

Ive had quits before. mainly when I’ve been able to latch onto a cessation of my habitually isolated life. For example when I moved into the flat of a (female) friend to live with her. And quit MO/PMOing for some months. Also in 2015 when I lived out life from within a friendship group of (mainly female) friends I was spurred to a quit of 109 days, then I stumbled but went onto sustain the quit for another 27 days. But then the quicksand of addiction claimed me….There was a time when I first moved onto a boat onto the london waterways and it felt like an adventure as I embarked on watery peregrinations in tandem with the landlord. Who also lived on a boat, and had been a rastafarian until he’d found Allah - the experience felt very ‘on the edge’ and wacky. And had facilitated another period of abstinence for some months. This 30+ days is one of three times Ive experienced such an abstinence in a decade. It is the first quit I’ve done that has been from having been within team nofap. And i do owe it to the amazing members - such as Saskia, douggie1962, AndySky180 and many others whose generosity make nofap a place of recovery. I have every intention of taking this quit to 90, then 180, then 365 days. And I want to stay quit for life. From MO and PMO. I would classify for me other forms of ‘acting out’ such as prostitutes and rubs n’tugs as a relapse also. If only because they would invariably lead to MO/PMO.

Ive had all sort’s of ‘big thoughts’ about what quitting means that might not really refer to much other than my own self importance! But Im wary of too heavy emphasis on ’superpowers’. For the simple reason that before the reality of instantly accessable limitless Porn people could fuck their heads with - figuratively and literally; ennui and sorrow was still extant. Sad blighted lonely lives were still lived out. Just ceasing to be active in a PMO addiction won’t be a sudden panacea for anyones problems. BUT I do think that abstinence is probably a bloody good start for successfully grappling with what I do believe is a disorder and definitely places one advantageously to make strong positive changes to ones life. And the reality is for me that I am happier as a non PMO’er. I just simply like myself more.

I think I was a porn addict before i’d seen porn, if that makes any sense to anyone. I was obsessed with porn before I’d even particularly engaged with reality of whats been available in our homes for twenty years. hardcore Porn hadn’t even been legal in the UK until I was in my 17th year. Yet such was my afflictedness my fantasy from youth was that were I to wake up and the city were abandoned and desolate I could go through peoples homes uncovering and enjoying their porn stashs. That was my dream of all things! Thank fuck I had a sustained sexual relationship as a teenager before I became an addicted porn consumer. And so have some kind of frame of reference of what ‘normal’ sexual relations consist of.

Apologies in advance if i take this to more graphic detail than is wellcome. As a PMO’er I was fixated on the male climax scenes. Invariably involving the female performer providing her face as destination. I was obsessed with this act and how it would/did/could be part of whatever actual sex life I had. It ’s only recently that what this scene means has to my understanding been decoded for me. It is to validate the lonely chap at home wacking off it! Look here on the screen the male performer, the alpha stag, the ‘winner’ is doing exactly the same as the person in the glow of a computer screen remotely - wanking. And here is the young Lady being joyful on the consumation and facilitation of this act, enacted both by the voyeur and the male performer. What bigger an empowering pep to an isolated saddo than having his behaiyours emulated on screen and incorporating a willing beautiful girl putting herself at his disposal. Perhaps this is an realisation that is screamingly obvious to everyone - but it it wasn’t to me. That what happens in porn has got no relation to what sex is.

Happy Tuesday Faptranauts