I fucking had it with all of this shit. I was riding a 170 day streak confidence high, social anxiety nowhere to be seen! Sharp as a fucking katana and more focused then evar! Great fucking grades very social everything was so smooth. Then i got overconfident, maybe i can fap without porn no problem guess what i could not i went allll the way down to hell with it and fucked myself. Fastforward 2 weeks massive social anxiety,confidence went god knows where its hiding this time and i faild all my fucking tests, this is truly a disaster and on top of it all i feel shit depressed and also got headaches and mood swings like 14 year old girl. THE FUCKING RELAPSE SYMPTOMS ARE NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. It fucks with everything you do really. I will kick this fucking habit once and for all im so done im pissed off and do no want to go trough this massive hell of depression id rather get electrocuted in my balls then ever feel how i felt on saturday, that day was by far the lowest point i ever reached in a flatline you feel like you could die and you wouldnt give a fuck its that bad. being alive feels like fucking horrible and you feel all the suicidal shit creeping out like "lemme jump really fast before this truck then it all be over" that is a MASSIVE CONTRARY how i felt on my streak! I dont give a flying fuck about people calling it "placebo effect"they can shove that placebo up their ass and take a walk with it. Here is my rant hope you can relate to this , it def helped my releasing this in a post wether someine reads it or not.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it will serve me well one day for I am on the path to recovery as well. I sense a lot of anger in your writing , I hope this quote makes you feel better " There is no such thing as Going back to square one. Even if you feel like you're having to start over, you are trying again with more knowledge, strength & power than you had before."- Internet Be proud of every step you take towards your goal. Though we don't know each other, I stand behind you on journey towards freedom. The road ahead may be treacherous and long, but the destination is life lasting success and personal glory. Stay strong and keep on the fight, -Max
See this as a major learning lesson. Nobody is 'safe' from triggers, urges, or anything PMO-related even after 100+ days of abstinence.
Its mainly the regret i have that makes me so angry... im going trough mental hell at the moment the withdrawal is real and not to be messed with.
I love your anger, seriously. One of my favorite emotions that always gets me to change and do things for MYSELF.
I honestly think that is all in your head... That you would go from this super social guy who has fun likes to go out etc to depressed suicidal guy in 5 min because you fapped? I mean seriously...
Brother do not hasten. You are winning even if you momentarily relapse, why are you winning? because while you are refraining your mind is rewiring, your body is conducting its homeostasis so don't worry. In fact, many of us do in fact relapse, its par for the course, we need to teach ourselves and grow from our relapses. My relapses have been binging for a couple weeks. Then I start again... Again don't hasten. I have had a few long streaks and I have broken them with PMO, however bro, when you start again you are familiar with the feelings, your body picks up where it left off sort of, you know what to expect. Its not like if you relapse you start from ground zero again. Even when you relapse, if you are diligent to return to productivity and resume NoFap you are doing very well. This process is long and grueling and we have no one to blame but ourselves. Patience brother. Learn about the experience, learn to cope and use forbearance, learn how to become a master of your lusts and desires. This is ultimate the reward. Learning that you are in control of all your desires and lusts, that you acknowledge them and learn they are apart of you. Learn from the experience of uncomfortability, learn about how strong you can be. Men go to war against each other physically everyday but true men win the war over themselves.. no matter how many times you fail. When your feet hit the ground in the morning when you roll out of bed you have another crack at self mastery. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Lastly don't count your days, don't keep track.. I find it just keeps you overthinking and worried. Just know that you have developed a habit, a bad habit and that its not right and its messing you up. Don't worry about hitting a target date. Just work to fully eradicate it from your life and become in control of the inner you. This is what being human is. We have the ability to rule over almost everything. Even carnal desire.
Yes I second that, it can lead you to overthing and sticking too much on the addiction. On the other side, at least a simple log is is holding you in check. But it's truly important to focus on goals and to implement new habits. That's what it is really about.
The negative change happened over time, and to add on that the depression is a sympton im doing nofap long enough its low dopamine, withdrawals will come and go and those are the signs ur kicking something.
Thats is ultimate truth. It is forever if i would be on that long streak I would be depressed too. Had my 30 days streak and i relapsed too due too much stressed and felt like shiit :/