My bf of over a yr drunkenly confessed to being addicted to porn less than three weeks ago. With much crying that night, all the things like frequency and hand jobs (which seemed very junior high) came to mind, over and over. It hurt. It still hurts. But the next morning before he woke up, I search porn addiction and immediately found nofap and skimmed a little to see if it was legit and then sent him a link. We read all the side effects caused by PMO, and there was hope. For two weeks, he chose to go with no P or M. We had great sex once each week. And now, he has decided that to get maximum benefits, he needs to go Hard Mode... for 3 months. I'm trying to be supportive and positive. But I have no one to talk to, no support for me. I'm frustrated, disappointed, and sad... I feel alone.
Your not alone I haven't been on here long, but I also am in your shoes my husband and I have been married for almost two years he finally realised that he has a problem for over a year he blamed me which made me feel horrible. After he came clean it has gotten better you will always have your worries. He was the one that found this sight and said things have to change I was ready to leave but now that I understand what is going on and him being honest wirh me it changed my thought i n everything and we are doing better then ever
3 months hard mode shows how dedicated he is to heal IMO. 3 months will fly by before you know it. Hang in there at least he's talking about it.
I think the presentation of all this in gamer terminology- Hard Mode, gain Super Powers, along with an addict's need to go all or nothing, leads to this decision. Just ignore the part of most people who choose this aren't in a relationship.
i just liked your post, rav, but then i thought going 3 months hardmode might also be a bit inconsiderate if in a relationship, especially to decide this unilaterally. i agree it's heroic and shows earnestness but i wonder if this couldn't also perpetuate the kind of self-absorption and alienation in relationships, which is so typical of addictive behavior. what do you think?
He says he wants it to be ok with me, too. But I really don't have a choice since he believes it is the only way he can get better. The only way he can achieve everything. So, now or later down the road, he has to do a full three months of nothing. "When I want what's best for him, I'll decide this." So, I'm not a good GF if I don't agree to this. After the two times we did have sex in the first two weeks, any mood swings or inability to sleep were attributed to the sex. So, you see, it's not much of a choice for me. You know what separates a friend from a mate? sex 3 months is extreme. I'm afraid this is going to put more distance between us; that I may grow resentful and feel more alone.
I can see your point for sure Blixer. We are not doing hard mode. He is at 101 days. If 6 months down the road and his libido is still low could we do hard mode in a last ditch effort? Yeah I believe so. For him to want to go hard mode might mean he's scared. Maybe the two times you had sex he was fantasizing about porn clips and doesn't feel right? I mean who knows. He might go 2 weeks hard mode and decided screw it and jump your bones. Just because he is saying 90 days doesn't mean it will be 90 days.
Welcome to the club @AughtNaught. Sorry you had to be another member of our sad society. There are many ways to skin a cat. Hard mode is one way to deal with recovery, and depending on circumstances it may or may not be the best way. I'm not an addict myself, so my knowledge about what is best is limited. The best thing that you and your partner can do is research everything you can so that you can understand this ugly beast. The yourbrainonporn website is a fantastic resource. It sounds like your partner has admitted he has a problem and is committed to changing. That is fabulous. It really is a huge step in the right direction. I am not 100% in agreement with you on the subject of sex being the only thing that separates a mate from a friend. Personally, I think it is intimacy. Porn kills intimacy. It is something that you'll both need to work on. Not just sex, but closeness, communication and the little things, like a touch on the shoulder or holding your hand. I have read this article about bonding behaviors, it helped me a lot. http://yourbrainonporn.com/the-lazy-way-to-stay-in-love. He is lucky to have you being so supportive of him. It will be a bumpy ride, for both of you. But we'll all be here to give you any support we can.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and ongoing support. I know I'm going to need it. This isn't something I want to talk to my gfs about.
I wanna add I Dont want anyone to think gosh Rav that's harsh! I remember the talk I had with my bf after all this shit went down. He has had PMO addiction long long before we met. He said I Dont get it when we first met I had no issues with pied. I said because I was new and exciting and then you got bored with me and went back to porn. He said no!/I said think about it... He said I'm sorry babe. This is the truth and it fucking hurts sometimes but you need to hear it to work through it. Hang in there!
i believe i can totally understand that he wants to do something substantial and heroic. and that should be respected. also i'm a fan of hardmode. if i could never have any sexual sentiment ever again by injection, i'd to that any time. it's just that i've grown a bit suspicious of all these guys going heroic warrior here. it seems to me that humility and caution is more important. in this case, i agree with wife and others here that intimacy is a prime resource for his battle and to me it would be most important here to hear and involve aughtnaught with her needs and concerns. i think in aquaplaning relationships, partners almost always see their sexuality as their own personal issue where healthy partners perceive themselves more as 'service providers'...
you're spot on there. it's a well-known phenomenon with women of complain of HSDO (critical lack of sexual interest) that they can't get enough if they have a new partner that they are in love with...
I believe it was the same for us. The problem was there before "us." And it was hot and heavy in the beginning when I was new and exciting for him, like a new click on the screen. And then it didn't come easily or often anymore. (try not to laugh!) It's just been such a short time from the reveal to abstinence; from me asking for it more regularly to nothing at all.
this sounds good but i wonder if it's really true in a sexual relationship. marnia robinson, in 'cupid's poisoned arrow' mentioned anecdotally that almost all the picture-book couples of her acquaintance didn't have sex. but then, although they were best friends and all, they would often seperate out of the blue to seek out sexual relationships... this is so tricky...
If we can work being intimate during this three months, I think we might be able to make it through this.
Addicts often tend to have a strong "all or nothing" thought process which is considered in the psycho-therapy world (worked at a drug rehab for 3 years) a cognitive disorder. Me included Example: 1. alcoholic drinks a beer for the first time in 3 months. Instead of saying "aw shiz i cant believe i did that let me call my sponsor (AP)", the thought is "well i guess i F'd up already might as well go to town". 2. A more applicable example to PMO would be a opiate addict who goes to the emergency room after a car accident and feels like they relapsed because they were given a morphine drip for a day or two. Is that really relapsing? No. That's what morphine is for, extreme pain! and might i add it was under doctors super vision. Now if that same person takes the all or nothing approach they may find themselves saying F** it I relapsed might as well shoot up (heroin reference) for the rest of the weekend, NOW that is relapse. In a situation like this, i say if you really feel like going hard is the only way to do it, the do it damn it! Do it 100%. However, if you are in a monogamous relationship, and sex is a part of that relationship it may be worth considering that to be similar to being on a morphine drip after a car accident. That's what sex drive/orgasm is for, intimacy in a relationship, and so forth. Im a new guy on nofap so i may be spewing stuff that has already been said before, or is considered taboo in the nofap community and if thats the case I apologize, but thats my 2 cents.
We talked off and on yesterday. It was an extreme relief to me to find support here. It's given me a better perception,... encouragement and understanding. And hope. I told him this, and discussed other things I have read here, threads on Reddit (getting dopamine from sex could be conditioning your brain to get it from natural sources... you get it from other things to like being happy, laughing, exercise... why leave out real sex?) , and even let him read kickit's post (Thanks. Your analogy helps and he admits he tends to do the all or nothing thing). We made love last night. Passionate and loving. It made us both happy. I'm very happy that he has admitted there is a problem and even more so that he is committed to making a change. I just really hope there isn't a backlash from this compromise of having sex, like mood swings, sleeplessness, urges being blamed on the sex. I just hate the idea that sex with me would receive a negative connotation. Time to take things slow... and patience.
If he was single, that would be an admirable thing for him to decide. But since he's in a relationship, it would be logical for you to discuss this as a couple and decide the best outcome for BOTH OF YOU. PMO addicts are very sexually selfish people. It's all about what's good for THEM. In a situation like this, he hasn't been giving you his best for quite some time. Now he's decided that you don't deserve to be sexually fulfilled for three months. How nice of him! You must get want to have another discussion about this. Since when does just one partner get to decide what's best for both of them???
