Hi. Really struggling today. Have been here for over a year and when I relapse, I go on a huge binge. Weeks not days of constant PMO. Today, I could really do with some release. Partner isn't in the mood but I could ask her to help out if you know what I mean. Hasn't been an issue in the past as we'd just have sex but she's off form. Am I fooling myself or is going to your other half for a helping hand a sensible approach when the going gets tough? Thanks, Max
If I get a tug or BJ from wife, I consider it real sex. And maybe she will get in the mood when its started. Also, make her watch this video: It discusses the spouse that "is not in the mood".... In my mind, if your wife or GF makes you come, well its not M in the sense of solitary M...
Basically, every kind of sensual touch with a partner is a kind of sex. However "real sex" is for me only intercourse without barriers - which means, you let it allow to create a child. It's the deepest sexual fusing of man and woman possible. It's not only fusing your bodies, it's also fusing your brains and souls, and that makes it so special.
Significant other..its like "my better half"...spouse synonym! What I meant by all that is that the lady in the video above explains how the 3 steps of sexual pleasure have been reversed now. At least IN THE COUPLE, long term relationship. Before it was: 1-desire (all in the mind), 2-Arousal (touching, feeling, erection, getting wet), and 3- intercourse with orgasm in the end (physical pleasure climax). Now, because of the busy life, both partners working, kids, etc, the order is more like 2-1-3. The spouse that has the lower sex drive of the two needs to be stimulated physically in "preliminaries" before the brain develops desire to have sex. The brain needs to be jump started by going thru the motions... Her message is : remember, you like sex! And stop questioning yourself, you'll like it, so if you love your partner just do it!
I don't know about anybody else, but I can make my wife cum with clitoral stimulation and she returns the favor. We've been doing that to each other sense we met. She loves it, what's the problem.
I'm going to disagree with a lot of others who have commented. I don't believe it is okay. Masturbation is all about selfishness. It is closing yourself in a private room, huddling over a screen, and taking something that is meant to be a gift and doing it to yourself and exclusively for yourself. Sex is all about union, expressing love, and giving. It's about giving your whole self to your wife, and your wife giving her whole self to you. That includes an openness to children. That is why I disagree with it. Sure it isn't as solitary as masturbation, but it still isn't sharing completely and is a shadow of the 'giving' that sex is meant to be, and is therefore, more like masturbation than sex.
If it's somebody else's hand then it's sex and also neuro-psychologically significantly (and in a positive way) different from masturbation.
No. It's not. There's a difference between having sex with your partner and using your partner as a masturbation tool. There's a difference between urges and wanting to be physically intimate. Big difference. I remember how my boyfriend would hop on, get his rocks off and that's it. I was used as a Toy. That's no fun. Now him wanting to enjoy me as well as my body, heck yeah! I know both sides as an addict and a partner of an addict. It's not a nice feeling to use someone or to be used, even if you didn't mean it. The feeling of an urge goes away. Everything will be okay, plus mutual desire is sexy. Build the intimacy, it'll build a beautiful trusting sexy bond
That's what I'm saying . . . it's not. I thought somebody was suggesting it was like them fapping, if another person did it. . . that's just a sexual act.
It is sex and something every person should do to their SO if they have lower libido. Nothing stranger than fulfilling other needs such as nice talks, hugs, cuddling, kisses, presents etc. I am so tired of people that thinks a HJ is sooooo much more than kissing. Do you always feel a 100% urge to go to the gym? No, but you do it anyways because it feels nice after you start.
First of all, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to this. No, not every part of it needs to be mutually enjoyable, but according to my point of view, which I was asked to share, it is necessary for sexual pleasure to be in the context of actual sex. A hj/bj is just that, a job. If you like canoeing with your wife, you don't ask her to push you out into the lake, you ask her to go with you. If she doesn't want to go, having her push you out into the water isn't canoeing with her any more than pushing yourself off is. I don't have anything against hj/bj as foreplay to actual sex though, since that is just "getting the boat moving" for the actual "canoeing." The basis of my argument is that sex is about more than just an orgasm, and that you cannot reach what sex is really about without an openness to children and actions ordered toward the happiness of your spouse. Getting a hj for "relief" does not fall in line with either of these criteria.
My two cents as a married lady.... I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for a "helping hand." Not at all! Sure, sex is better when you're together and fully reciprocating with each other, but if sex is about giving, then why can't it be about her giving to you sometimes? I don't mind giving my husband a treat every now and then if I'm not in the mood for sex. Why should I mind doing that? It's a nice thing that he will enjoy, and I love to make him happy and make him feel good. And he can do the same for me, as well, if he's not in the mood which hasn't really happened yet ever. haha but you never know, it could happen sometime. I've told my husband, who also struggles with PMO, that if he's ever feeling tempted, to please tell me and maybe we can do stuff together or I can do something special for him. It's a much much better alternative. No, it's not right to use your lady as a tool, but a one-sided sexual experience like that doesn't have to mean that you're using her. It can still be a special bonding experience, especially if you're being mindful of your thoughts and not just thinking about porn the whole time or something. Personally, I enjoy doing that for my man and I find it fun and exiting, even when I don't get anything in return. And even if it's not that exciting for me, I still don't mind doing it, because I would much rather he be turning to me for that than to himself or his computer. You're stepping toward your lady, not away from her, and that's a step in the right direction in my opinion.
Well, There is 2 things in there. A BJ or HJ is sex if the spouse is doing it to you willfully to make you come, just like a gift. A HJ can be enjoyable just like a breakfast in bed of a back rub. On the other hand, if one is requesting a HJ right now and it's like a job the spouse is kinda coerced into doing that is just wrong! Im not arguing with the more esoterical types that believe in penetration for baby making purposes, but is seems to have religious ties into it. Nothing against religious types, but cunnilungus, BJ, and spouse masturbation are all sexual acts that bring variety into the bedroom. @Icyweb, what is your opinion about PIV wearing a condom? Isn't it against the "oppeness to children"? to me, its fine. The openess to children didn't do great in 3rd world countries, where kids are starving and dying.
@TakingTheSteps, God bless you! Thanks for what you are doing and thinking. Your husband is lucky to have you and your open-mindedness. I know that my wife is supporting me just like you do with your husband. It helps me a lot. We feel like living a new honeymoon basically. It did help me tremendously to deal with my addiction.
Well I can tell you based on my experience that mutual masturbation is liberating, mutually satisfying, relieves all kinds of stress and is fun. Getting my wife off, and before that my girlfriends, is awesome for me, and in no way like "pushing a canoe" or pushing a mower or anything else. It's liberating for me and her. And of course, probably no need to write about her returning the favor . . . it's just something that came to me when I was about 28 years old from talking to girls openly about it and how they masturbated and asking them to teach me to do it. It doesn't supplant the sex act, it enriches it or expands it. Everybody can't possibly have sex the same way for crying out loud, every couple makes their own journey, that's the idea - lots of exploring about "what do you like", "here's what I like" . . . it's a partnership and adventure. I expect no two are alike or have the same preferences. For some women, blowjobs are simply disgusting and will always be. OK, but that's not everybody's experience I can assure you. And only part of the purpose of sex is having children. The rest is increasing intimacy with a special person. Some people don't want children or are done with the child baring years and yet their sex life goes on and should go on. Now if you don't like "pushing canoes", by all means, don't push them . . . . but my wife seems to dig it so I think we'll keep heading to the lake.