I'm starting a new thread for the umpteenth time. This time I want to take a milder approach, a slower approach, an easier approach. Life is hectic, stressful and cruel. But it is also wonderful, awesome and adventurous. Well, it's a matter of perspective, isn't it? Porn is a gateway to the boundless depths of the shadow side of the psyche. So, why do we repress the shadow? Because it's not what we were taught to express, it's not the societal norm. It's not acceptable, but it is part of who I am! The porn industry represents the shadow side of humanity, like certain behaviors on a battlefield or in a war torn country, where the law enforcement structure has crumbled, or perhaps a government coup has nullified any law structure. When I engage in porn, do I consider morals or ethics or religious standards? No. It's my time to let the shadow engage, to allow my hormones to run wild, to engage in endless fantasy.... There are other ways to deal with our shadow side. And there is a healthy sexuality that we can learn to express. There is another way to deal with sexual frustration, to deal with stress, to deal with emotions. The first step is to abstain at all cost! At all cost!
In my last thread I did get a bit mouthy at times, and I seriously had to think about the reason why I was posting...was it to vent? Or was it to help myself and others? OK, we live in a society that is pushing "political correctness" and of course it's an over-reaction to certain behaviors....On this forum, I believe it's alright to explore the reasons WHY we engage in porn, and it's obvious that modern porn is filled with hatred. This brings me to the notion that humans hate. Yes, they hate things. I hate things, and sometimes I hate people. And my hatred had a lot to do with my porn problem. I got into trouble for pointing this out, because it was labeled hate speech by the moderators. So, I must be careful with how I say things, but the fact remains that yes, I do hate sometimes and right now I hate porn, yes, I hate porn!!!! Is that OK? I hope so. SO, what do I love? I love poetry, romance and the woods!
Another day looms ahead.... The current pattern is sustainable for a while, but not too much longer. Change is the key word on my mind this morning...it's always happening even if I don't notice. I am not the same person I was yesterday, or the day before. Change is what keeps me hopeful. I am venturing into the "city" today to meet with my Spiritual Advisor. A big deal for me! This man has helped me tremendously, and as much as I think about how I would like to emulate him, he has had to contend with his demons as well, like all of us. The world we live in is pathological in nature, and living free has it's problems... Change and freedom....I am free to accept the changes, in whatever form they come, that is part of my recovery. As I dig deeper into my own "self", what do I find? A child who is growing again, this time the strength is from within rather than from without. I am a sexual being, because I am human. But I am also a Spiritual being, because the life inside me is from a divine source. Sex is energy and energy must be preserved, or we can waste it away. Today I will accept any change that happens in my life. Today I will ponder the notion that freedom is a state of mind. Being free means being free from desire, need and expectations! Wow! Is this attainable?
Master Sun stresses the importance of knowing your enemy and knowing yourself. My enemy is the porn devil. Do I know him well enough to defeat him? I think so, because I've been his servant for most of my life. I've let him rule my mind, my precious mind, and therefore also my body. Do I know myself? I am getting to know myself once again, which means going back to a place in my life where hope was lost, where my heart was broken, where I was defeated....this was a long time ago. It's all still there, in my mind, but buried. In my past threads I allowed myself to vent quite a bit, and that has been part of the process of recovery, but I must be careful that I don't focus on the circumstances that caused my porn addiction in the first place. Right now I am at a similar place where I was at age twenty, but also much more ready and seasoned to venture into the life that I dreamed of back then. I was confused, conditioned and needy. Now I am lonely, but I practice to embrace the loneliness. Now I am LESS confused, because I see the result of lifelong dependency and bondage, and it's death...death to the soul and death to freedom. Confusion is OK, because life is a mystery. I don't need to experience an overload of hormone production to survive this temporary life in this body, I don't need to be dependent on another person in order to feel secure or loved or needed. No, I can tell myself anything, but do I believe it? If I tell myself something, anything over and over again, I will eventually believe it! Today I will work towards knowing my "self" better, and also reinforcing and strengthening the defenses against the "porn devil", that wily, sneeky little shit! Right now, he keeps putting the image of the woman at the local convenience store into my mind, she is thirty something, attractive and divorced. But I know this image has already become a little stronghold of the porn devil in my mind, so it's time to lay siege.....know your enemy
I am redeeming my false identity (porn addict) for my true identity (warrior). Being a warrior is not about constantly waging battle, but rather about skill and sobriety. And being ready to engage... A warrior is constantly training, physical training, mental training. I was not taught to cultivate my true identity, I have to teach myself now. Fine, since this is about "sex addiction" or "porn addiction", let's chat about that. I am a sexual being. Sexual energy is what drives me, and it's raw, powerful and creative. But why is it regarded only within the context of "fucking" the opposite sex, or I guess whatever your "preferred" gender or non-gender is....(trying to be "sensitive") What you see in porn is constant "fucking", constant ejection of semen...which really is stupid. Fucking and cumming is exhausting, draining and fatiguing. It has it's purpose, it's natural purpose, which is procreating. Now, making love, that's a whole different thing, never have I seen this depicted in porn. Fucking vs. making love, which one wins? Making Love wins hands down! But we are too weak, too pathetic, too stupid to understand how to make Love because we were conditioned to act like deranged psychopaths. The way of the Warrior, the Lover, the Magician, the King....these ancient human archetypes are deeply embedded within us. We must rediscover our true heritage and stop acting like mentally sick sub-humans. And don't say animals, because animals know how to behave naturally, we don't, we behave worse, much worse than animals!
I must confess that I still keep thinking about the woman at the local convenience store all the time, it has become an obsession of mine...it's driving me crazy. I have thought about sex with her, but not the porn kind of sex that arouses me, but rather a lovemaking kind of sex, which is what has become more appealing to me, the kind you'll never see on internet porn sites. She has become the new object of my desire, but it's not even really her, it's just an image of her. I don't know anything about the actual person really, it's just another form of fantasy. At least I can say that the old porn fantasies are diminishing, actually almost gone to be honest, but I know they could return if I don't stay vigilant. The new "replacement" is much better, because it doesn't excite me into masturbation, but it's still a crutch, it's still a mindfuck that won't help me in any way. I don't want to pursue another relationship with a woman, but the thought is ALWAYS there. Always nagging....but what is it on a deeper level anyways? Connection to something, not just for the sake of being with other humans, but the potential for a higher form of existence, a common struggle, a common desire for something more than the "daily grind", a higher form of expression, an experience....
A higher quality of experience, isn't that what you are after? You are de-sensitized to normal life, my friend. What is a normal life? Life is experience, life is now. When you are sifting through porn videos, you are living now. That "nowness" has to be transferred to your everyday life, to the air you breathe, to the thoughts you entertain, to the faucet in your bathroom, to the water you drink, to the office, to the driving experience in your car! All of this is now! Right now!
Waves of emotion crash through my being, alternate feelings of lust, serenity, love and hate. So many plans, so many intentions...they all came too late! The demons of sex and fury, the holy altar of desire And now? Stuck in the mire! Let it all blow through...and cleanse my very soul. Let it all envelop me and let me experience the pain, pleasure and longing... A longing for what? To be home? To travel the road to redemption? Life is confusing, then let me be confused and wade through it. Keeping my sights set on the heavens, I resist temptation and I welcome suffering!
Wow, the forum seems busy! Maybe it's the Summer time with all the exposed female skin! Maybe we are starved for skin, for flesh, for body contact.... Maybe this fucked up modern culture has deprived us of the natural use of our bodies, the sun worship, the nude bathing, the sweat, earth, wind and fire! Are we not made of the elements of the Earth? Are we not made of dust and water? Have we become robots? Mindless, feeling-less idiots? All we know is fuck and cum? Embrace the true Spirit, do I (you) even know what that is?????
porn is like a cancer in your mind it permeates your soul and kills ambition it ruins relationships and causes inhibition The porn demons used to run my life creating a world of strife now they are in retreat they hasten to the next fool in heat the retarded brain, stroke the dick in vain feed the hungry dragon in it's secret lair all is a mess, what do I care? Maybe enough is enough and even though life is tough there is a reason and the reason is me who am I really? but a soul in the sea!
the road to redemption is a road less traveled the road to perfection is eternal the powers that lead are the powers that deceive the powers that guide are gentle and strong
What is a life without porn? Physical discipline, cold showers, intense workouts? Meditation, prayer, therapy? What about a complete shift in worldview? What about a complete overhaul? What about scrapping any and all held "beliefs"? What about walking away from people who don't support your recovery journey? I have been trapped for so long! So fucking long.... Stop looking at the clock, stop looking at the phone, stop spinning in endless circles. Start paying attention to what is right in front of you!
The ocean was feared because of the monsters it contained.... I feel the same way about the mind, what monsters lurk in there? The mind is like the sea, turbulent and calm, deep and shallow, clear and murky What does the mind represent? A door, a window....a menace? Is it simply the only connection we have to the source? No physical object can give us that, no other person can give us that. It is the gateway, it is the portal into the great beyond! Orgasm. It's so temporary, it's so draining, it's so sacred! I'm sorry, but fucking and cumming is for animals. I know, I'm preaching, but it's helping me reinforce the new outlook, the new paradigm, the new worldview. Freedom is a wonderful thing, but only if it's used as a means of growing in Spirit. Spirit is breath, Spirit is energy. Heaven, hell, God and divinity are all contained in your mind! Wow! How have we become obsessed with porn? Can sex be sacred again after we've dragged it through the filth and scum?
I think when I hit my initial 90 day reboot goal, I might ditch this forum. I've discovered others in the meantime, and even though this one was my introduction into the world of virtual brotherhood and helped me discover my interest in writing once more, it's too busy, it's not a way for me to connect anymore. I have learned to accept that I am a loner. I have learned to accept that I don't adjust my posts to whatever anybody else is saying.... I have learned to not rely on confirmations or validations or feedback. These posts are floating through cyberspace and eventually merge with the great cyber-God. It's always been about individual relationships for me, and the most important of these is my relation to myself!
I can identify with this intention. You say that it is "too busy," but I see a precipitous drop in activity on NoFap since I started here about six years ago. As I've suspected, many guys may have just given up, and I can sympathize with that too. (Lately, I've been feeling like giving up on a lot of things.) The problem with NoFap is that so many guys think that just by logging on here and making a few poorly written posts, they will be freed from PMO. NoFap is not magic like that; there is no magical cure. Yes, this "virtual brotherhood" is a great benefit. I've been held up from a deeper despair simply by seeing that I'm not the only one with this problem and that I'm not alone. Otherwise, I would feel like I were the only guy in the world masturbating to porn all day. The thousands and thousands of porn sites on the web are evidence to the contrary, but I'd still think I were the only one looking. If I did imagine that other dudes were looking at those pics, I'd still think I were the only one with the compulsion to masturbate. The camaraderie of NoFap is good, but at the end of the day, only I can stop this. That is not because of my or anyone else's character as a "loner." No person nor anything else on NoFap can keep me from porn. Reading scattered posts will not develop my stone determination. It is all on me, my choices, and what I'm willing to endure for a better life. This is a matter of focusing my mind. Only I can do that.
This has become an easy observation to make for those of us who think highly of research and thoughtfulness as well as spelling, proper grammar and correct punctuation. I often think of it more as a virtual circle jerk -- especially the subreddit counterpart to this forum. There are a handful of insightful individuals and that's that.
So true. Relying on anything but myself and my personal "higher power" is a failure waiting to happen. Even my 90 day reboot won't save me. HA HA Life is a comedy...the divine comedy! I get bored with the forums and then I get depressed, it's like a yo yo, my emotions are like a yo yo. I make a little progress here and there, baby steps and I want more, now! I am still reeling from a thirty year long co-dependent relationship. Yesterday I saw my current dream woman at the post office, and she's nothing special really, but just happens to be the one that I think about lately. The truth is that the second I actually approach her, the whole fucking town will talk about it, and news will get around to my wife somehow, even though she doesn't live here anymore, but news gets around....so am still dreaming. What would I do without my dreams? Probably die. I've been pacing since 3am this morning...one of those nights. Is it a full moon again or something?! Wanking is not an option anymore, I don't even want to! And I don't want to look at porn! I hate it. I want it all and I want nothing. What is fucking going on in my mind?????????????
Your frankness here hits the truth. And, the irony in this metaphor is hilarious! Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe in capitalizing the first words of sentences and using periods. I was a bad student; I never did homework, read, studied or did much of anything to better myself in high school. Yet, somehow, I did learn things about English grammar. And, why would anyone make a post with typos and spelling errors when these text boxes have spellcheck? English teachers also told us to proofread. I paid attention long enough to just hear that, and I still do it because I know that I'm a sloppy typist and prone to language errors. All day, people are posting on all kinds of forums and spouting out comments after news articles. Those are just little outbursts of emotion, not thoughtful communications. It is disappointing that so many of the posts we are now seeing on NoFap look the same. "I just jerked off to porn and feel like crap!" [POST] (This hypothetical isn't so bad because it is grammatical, and the spellcheck isn't flagging anything.) Little blurbs like this may give a guy some emotional release, but they do nothing to address the depth of his problem. We should be free here to express ourselves on NoFap, and we need only do that to the best of our abilities. But, I don't always want to engage with someone when I can't read his words and clearly make out his ramblings. I don't think it's the PMO that's making dudes misspell and write incoherently. Honestly, I regret that I was such a lousy student and didn't make any effort to learn what I could have learned in school. From what I'm seeing many places, I worry about what's being taught in school these days and if kids have a chance to learn anything at all. American society is in decay, and we can add an education crisis to the PMO pandemic.
It's hard to disagree with any of that. I realize that some people may feel overwhelmed or overburdened and thus would rather not go into detail. That's fine. But when you come on here and write, "oh shit I just peeked and then I edged for an hour, wtf should I do," you're doing yourself and others here a disservice whether you realize it or not. This is part of the reason I find it easy to refer to this place as a digital circlejerk. Inevitably, guys go into threads like that and offer support or what they consider to be encouraging words: YOU GOT THIS, BRO! That's fine but what of it? Is that really gonna change anything for them or the individual crying out for help? Doubtful. Also, I can relate to you. I was a shit student. But unlike you, I don't regret it. Everything that can be said about public school now could be said of public school in the recent past. It's trash. The main difference is that it's more obvious these days seeing as how most college-aged students seem to think that 2+2=5.
You say she's "nothing special really." She may not be anywhere near the supermodel type and may not be beautiful according to the world's conventional standards. Yet, she has your attention; you see something special in and about her. That is the mystery of attraction. This, especially in the often debilitating condition you describe, is all good. It shows that you are alive and willing to engage with life. I know all about how local "news" spreads and have been the subject of much petty and malicious gossip. I grew up in a rural area where people talked on the telephone all day long. When I was in my early twenties, I went through a string of bad situations. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I did stupid things to totally wreck my life over and over again. So many times, I found out that people I hadn't seen in years spread the new about me to other people I hadn't seen in years. I saw this again a few years later after my mental health and everything else about me became so much worse. The gossip and rumors spread all the way across the next state. Granted, the things I had done were awful, but I also felt that what people were saying about me was grossly distorted. Besides, my problems were none of their damn business anyway! I was just something disgusting to talk about. Their own lives must have been so boring that the only excitement they could get was in talking about the shocking things I did. They must have been able to feel better about their own pathetic selves by having someone upon whom they could look so far down. I say this, apart from my own need to still process it, so that you know that I understand how people talk. So many people in rural areas and small towns are stupid and pathetic. They don't have real lives of their own, so they talk about everyone else's. People like that will gossip no matter what. You must not let morons and idiots like that control and constrain your life. So what, if your (ex-)wife finds out that you have a new love interest? You are separated and going through a divorce which will inevitably be finalized, right? It's over! She has no right to make any claims on you. If she has something to say about how you've "moved on," that's her own problem. From how you've described her, she sounds a bit crazy, and if she tries to give you a hard time, recognize that. You must not let her thoughts or words constrain you either. When I read your post earlier today, I remembered all of the unexceptional women to whom I have been attracted over the years. I'd see them at the grocery store and other places around town. I'll confess that I still fantasize about this particular one whom I saw for the first time twenty years ago this fall. It was mid-August 2002. In a way, I regret that I didn't make a move then, or any of the other times when our paths crossed. That night at a bar, the day at the library, the afternoon on the bus, or that time at the grocery store--I still remember them all. The door may have been open. Or, at least, it seems to have been open in my present fantasies about what could have happened. Anyhow, it was best that I didn't make an approach. Such a relationship may seem possible in fantasy now, but it could not have worked twenty years ago. (Really, I must stop this fantasy after this post. That was many years ago in another town and in a different state. I'll never see this person again.) I'm turning 50 in a couple weeks. (I keep saying this because I can't fully process that number.) My last girlfriend was eight years ago, and I haven't had anything since--not even as much as a date, whatever that may be. She really was crazy, but I stayed with her for three years. Immediately after her, I tried desperately to get back in the game, but soon lost that motivation. Sure, I still notice beautiful women around, but I don't have the intense hormonal interest I had twenty years ago. I haven't had so much as a date in years and really haven't wanted one. Now, I'm content to stay at home and do my things here. As I tell people who might wonder about my single middle-aged life, I'm retired. People have different needs and desires, especially as we get older. Many of mine have largely dried up, and some people may not understand that. There are guys my age who still are acting like teen boys, and that's what I don't understand. I respect how you are still noticing women, and if you have the courage, you should engage with life fully in these ways. While I say I'm "retired" and have no interest in a relationship, there are some residual parts of all this which remain. That's why I'm still on NoFap.
