To transcend means to rise above or go beyond the limits of..... Is there something greater than porn? If I decide to rise above porn, or go beyond the limits of porn, what will I find? What is more powerful than porn? What will entice me to finally kick porn to the curb? Is there a common solution for all or is it an individual journey that demands self inquiry and the courage to embrace radical change? What does a life without porn look like?
There is so much more to life than looking at images and videos of people engaged in sexual activity. Porn is dehumanizing, repugnant, disgusting, and most of all, evil. I cannot put into words how beautiful a life without porn would look like. Radical change will be necessary to accomplish such a task of quitting pornography permanently. The question is if you are up for the challenge or not?
A life without porn to me also means no porn in the mind. The images and videos on the screen project into the mind and that is where porn ultimately is. There are powerful themes that cater to my subconscious desires. All kinds of "fetishes" that are custom tailored to my personal emotional struggles. They seem to satisfy for a while, then another part of me says: no, there is a better life without pouring more oil on the fire, the "fire of desire", let it burn out...kindle a new flame that will burn the dross and purify your soul, heart and mind Transcending porn must also mean releasing the images that appear to satisfy but always leave me wanting more. So porn is limited because it keeps me in the cycle of insanity and a fragmented psyche. Going beyond the limits of porn means getting off the train, jumping off into the unknown, leaving behind the "the train of thoughts" that keep me locked up in this "cycle of insanity"
Yesterday was a day without porn. I decided to go against the routine and just spend the afternoon working on my ATV in my pajamas. Then I focused on my evening meal time and after that watched some youtube podcasts then a movie about an addict in a treatment center which used the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. After that bed time at 8:30 pm and slept 7 hours straight through to my 4am alarm. Now why can't I have a perfect day like that every day? Because it wasn't perfect. And because change happens constantly....I forget that. The AA program teaches that we can only change very little in our environment, that most change is beyond our control. So life really is more of a ride. A life without porn must include acceptance that even though yesterday was a relatively "good" day, today might be a shitty day, and then I have to ride it out without reacting and going to the conditioned stress response. I'm not making any promises to myself because I've broken them too many times. But right now I am keeping my sights set on what is above and beyond.
Observing things is far more interesting than being caught up in the middle of them. Some of us are trying to run the race or climb the ladder despite our inability to cope with the competitive nature of these endeavors. That includes myself. I have tried and I've had many opportunities to join the fray. The fact is I almost hate being around people. I said almost because I don't actually hate it, it's just very difficult for me. So porn fantasy comes easy, but it is losing it's allure, because so many years spent indulging has produced nothing good. Besides, they are the same old fantasies anyways...I've tired of them now. Still, I am a dreamer by day and by night, and shutting these dreams out to simply experience life is one of the ways to recovery for me. Day dreaming can lead to superstition and scheming if done too much. Like anything, balance is key. Yes, I like to observe, but occasionally jump into the mix. I am learning to accept people instead of projecting divisiveness because I am realizing that we are all truly connected in the ether. When I approach people with the openness of this realization, it changes the dynamics of the interaction and allows expression with less fear and apprehension. For me, the recovery process is also a change in attitude towards people in general. So, along with my observational tendencies, I can also engage in a healthy way if I accept the reality of human interconnection.
Very active dreaming at night. I am learning to welcome sleep, because I am now anticipating looking through the window into my subconscious. Acting out these roles at night, allowing the nocturnal plays of my mind to unfold....there is so much to glean from this. I don't know if it is simply this particular time in my life or what, but bedtime has been the problem for me as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are hearing my parents and the fucking television blaring from the living room while I am laying in bed. And there was tension, always tension in the house..... These dreams, many of them are variations of the same themes, like childhood anxieties and feeling bound in some way and not able to do things that I want to do... Addiction is definitely a deep mind thing and venturing into these areas of the mind can be illuminating. I have noticed that I am looking forward to dreaming lately, some of this enthusiasm has come from reading some accounts of Jungian dream analysis. Am I getting to the roots of my addictions?
woke at 1am and my mind was buzzing instead of getting frustrated, I wrote down some thoughts and prioritized them, and then just slumbered and let my mind wander until my 4am signal went off there have been many, many times in the past when I jerked off to familiar fantasies in order to go back to sleep, but that is counter-productive.....no, I must continue to deal with these thoughts, dreams and notions that come to me at night and stop ignoring them they are part of the recovery process, vital components to rebuilding the "self", picking up the pieces, putting them back together again the old porn fantasies are becoming repulsive to me
what a turbulent night...woke up with my shirt drenched in sweat the funny thing is I don't remember that much except for I was punching a guy at an airport, who was trying to prevent me from getting on a plane well, nothing sexual anyways I am absorbing Henry Thoreau's "Walden" during my early AM reading time. This guy built a crude cabin in the woods near his hometown during the 1850's and wrote about his experience living there for a couple of years, just enjoying the forest and wildlife and writing and laboring in his garden and keeping warm and sheltered in the winter etc. He muses on the nature of human society and all of the complexities and stupidities of people and how they live and interact with each other. Basically, nothing has changed! So far, he hasn't said much about women, but I'm halfway through the book, so we'll see. During my post reading meditation, I visualized a female type of creature that sort of blended with the night time forest, enticing me a little to draw close to the natural world....
terrible night relapsed, can't sleep..... triggers: financial stress, the "situation" and yes, I have to admit.........movies! I don't want to deal with all of this shit, but I have to deal with all of this shit..... The finances, the home, the business etc. all tied to banking, taxes, insurance...I hate all of it. 30 years of marriage, career and family almost destroyed me and I am barely hanging on soon it will be just me and the dog sitting here amidst the mess the movies are just another crutch really....can I do without them? when I watch them, I "transcend" the real "situation" here at home, they are an escape, but the real question is: do they help me transcend porn? No, unfortunately, because EVERYTHING is sexualized!!!! Almost all of the movies have sexual tension, exploitation, frustration and/or crimes with sexual motives, romance with sexual motives, cheap sex etc. etc. the movies are a form of addiction I guess I MO'd before going to sleep which ended my week long streak, and I thought I was doing OK...but it's the little unexpected stressors that seem to take me over the edge, woke up at 1am and just PMO'd like no big deal, what a terrible night, I will be dragging my feet today for sure, godammit!!!!!
In hindsight, it was the movie, it was about a private investigator who has to solve a case by entering the "underworld" of extreme bondage porn movies.....bad choice! My movie time in the evenings is sort of a ritual and I need to be far more selective. Last night I watched one about Danish arctic explorers, it was good and obviously no sexual content. I am not immune to sexual content in the movies, so, again, it's a learning experience about triggers.
My lifestyle changes are paying off with increased human interaction. The topics of conversation are revolving around the things that really interest me and the enthusiasm rubs off. I can't say enough about choosing the right partner, which I didn't. The woman I chose to sleep next to for 3 decades of my life only fueled my sexual problems. Sexually, she was the right fit for my perverted desire, but that didn't last long....eventually kids, family, church, marriage, career....the whole "9 yards". And I miserably failed at all of it. So, thirty years later, here I am, back at "square one" with a few life lessons under my belt. Kids are grown, wife is leaving, so just me and the dog and a big mess to clean up. Yesterday I spent half an hour chatting with an attractive young law student who is working as a sales attendant at a farm and home supply store. What a pleasant experience. I thought I felt a little chemistry..... Life can be enjoyable at times. The movie last night was about a guy in a Mexican prison, no sexual content. I am going to try and stick with movies about war, prison and apocalypse. That should keep me sober before hitting the sack. The girl I met at the store evoked romantic notions mainly, so no trigger there, but I do have to be careful how much my fantasy life gets carried away, because romanticism can lead to sexual escapades, but the type of sex is different than the sex that I desire when indulging in porn. The girl at the store was not an object of sexual bondage fantasy for me. She was genuinely attractive to me from a more "pure" perspective. Anyways, I am facing another day in this universe of mine and I will try and keep my thinking to a minimum.
Nights have always been the hardest for me. But lately, I am looking forward to my dreams, so that has been a motivator for me to embrace sleep. Very active dreaming last night, actually, I interact with people the most in my dreams rather than in a waking state, so I don't know if that's a problem long term, but I've become used to it, and it's much more interesting than what I experience with people while conscious. My evening movie time probably fuels my fantasy life even more, but right now, I don't care as long as I abstain from porn. The movie last night was about gangsters in the 1930's fighting the FBI agents that were pursuing them. There was a short sex scene, but very brief, and it was not triggering me, because it was more romantic than just raw sex, in other words, it was between two individuals that obviously loved each other genuinely. This kind of sexual interaction generally does not trigger me, it's only when there is emotionless sex with a dominating aspect to it. That is my weakness, and I'm almost powerless over this kind of thing, especially if the female is stupid. My mother was a stupid female who was dominated by my father, and that is the origin of my lifelong porn problem, it started with my parents portraying a very dysfunctional relationship, and I was used as emotional support for my idiot mother. Childhood trauma is such a common problem and the impact on people's lives can be devastating during adulthood. It is so overlooked and disregarded, because we have repressed all this shit and don't see the connection anymore. I will most likely always be prone to bondage/domination tendencies, unless I can integrate this dark shadowy part of me into the self successfully ....what will be the result? A superhuman?
Damned movies. Damned human society. Transcending porn also means transcending this fucked up modern culture! "Shadow integration" is a rather difficult thing to figure out. I am staying away from internet porn sites, but the mind! My mind is so susceptible to triggers from other media sources. Modern society is designed to keep us fragmented. This fragmentation fuels the pharmaceutical industry and keeps people trapped and in subjection. True freedom will take an enormous amount of courage and stepping "out of line". Possibly complete abstinence from the streaming movie sites.....
well I WAS staying away from porn sites for a few days until last night..... sometimes I think how easy it would be to just end things with a bullet to the head, but what if for some reason it didn't kill me and left my family with a vegetable? That would be worse. so, there is always an alternative to self murder....I could just walk away, but then who would feed the dog? One good thing I guess is that I pretty much ended my most recent friendship with cannabis. It started shortly after my AA meetings as a better alternative to drinking. And even though I do have occasional alcohol again, it's rare and I'm not really an alcoholic. The real problem is and always has been porn. My current lifestyle is triggering me to be honest. I must embrace more significant changes.....
what a crazy dream-filled and waking-sleeping night, a day and night without porn however... it really is "every 24 hours" for me...it's the only thing that works right now...just make it through the next day, that's all that matters! Who cares what happens after that? That's thinking way too far ahead! internal turmoil all the time it seems, the battle rages on "just letting go" seems like an easy concept but it's hard as fuck there is that and then there is also this.....always there is letting go and there is action there is non-action and there is this drive to create, to move, to connect ok, breathe, just breathe, you can make it through the next 24.....easy now, not too fast and not too slow, balance
whew....made it another day, very active dreaming again during the night and I did have some serious temptation before going to sleep, but every post relapse experience is different, and I should be getting sick and tired of getting sick and tired of getting sick and tired of my FUCKING GOD DAMNED relapses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are two fold beings, spiritual and animal, and it's the animal part that succumbs to the porn the higher self operates outside of human theory, but staying in this higher state of mind is really, really difficult, because of all the stuff, all the shit that we have to deal with on a daily basis success is embracing life no matter what the circumstances are all of us are prone to misery, whether rich or poor, whether sick or healthy, whether single or "hitched", it doesn't fucking matter!
We try to alleviate the human condition of suffering, but it's futile. The body is a suffering body, and I don't mean that in a "bad" way, the condition of suffering is neither "good" nor "bad", it just is. The sooner this universal truth is accepted, the "easier" it is to deal with life. "Sleeping with" someone is considered a comfort? It's better to sleep alone. Eating with someone is considered a joy? It's better to eat alone. Life is a lonely journey, and again, being lonely is not "good" nor "bad", it's just the way we come into the "world" and it's the way we leave it, that's all. For me, the journey to "recovery" is learning to live with suffering and loneliness and be OK with it. Once these barriers are overcome, I think we can start truly enjoying life and "recover" the awe and mystery of the universe, and transcend the suffering and loneliness and porn.
I'm just gonna say it: life sucks! But it's also magnificent and awe inspiring! Well, which is it? Good or bad? It's both! Not giving a fuck and giving a fuck, it's a balance. Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. the play of the opposites.... Why are we so fucking polarized towards one or the other? There is no "good" or "bad" thing, unless I decide it's one or the other. The part of me that wants to jerk off to images of bondage porn is the wounded child that is still grieving, still resenting, still cynical as fuck.
I watched a movie last night about a woman who grew up with really fucked up parents, and of course she sought some form of demented comfort through sex with various men. But she wasn't stupid, just very troubled and lost. I knew that somehow this movie could have the potential to make me relapse, but at the same I was familiar with the actress and she never plays someone stupid; she always plays roles that depict personalities with a lot of depth, because this particular actress HAS a lot of depth and knows how to express it. I have always really liked her. She is beautiful and very attractive, but again, also very deep, so no triggers.... It's always the stupid, pathetic, mindless women that trigger my sexual fetish, I want to tie them up and fuck the shit out of them. I know this is a common desire for guys, because the porn movies are full of this theme. It's a lot of anger that is repressed and the stupid woman becomes the punching bag. It feels like you can't hurt someone that stupid, but of course you can, she is human after all, and all humans deserve a minimum level of respect at least.... I know that people "act out" fantasies with each other, but where do you draw the line? It's such a grey area, way more than "50 shades". I don't want to feed the demon, even though I would be very tempted if I found a woman who wanted to play the stupid submissive role....but that really would lead right back down the same path wouldn't it? Yes, it would. Right now, I am just allowing the misery to come and go as it pleases, the misery of existence, I don't want to medicate it any longer and yes, dreams of romance are fueling creativity, because ultimately, it is the total acceptance of suffering that leads to profound insight and drives the human spirit towards new heights.
