1 week. this is getting harder. I don't even know what to say. I just miss it. this morning I've opened a porn site in my phone out of reflex.... while I was in public. it was just fucked up, I didn't even notice I was doing that. I've closed it right away, but still what the fuck was that. I'm spending all day long outside my house, spending my time studying and working on an internship that may get me a job, trying to be as far away from my phone as possible, and still, it's like something itchy in the back of my head. I'm still ok, but I just feel tired of trying to fight it
Today I relapsed unfornately... It all started when I was watching youtube and then urges started to beat me and I went to porn and everything happened. In spite of this... I´m extremely proud of myself because it was the first time that I reacht 31 days and now I know my value and what I am capable of. I´m coming back even more power, strenght and experience than before! This time I won´t fail! God bless all of you brothers and sisters! Let´s start from the beginning! Day 0 Check-in as a Orc!
Checking in Fellowship. Bording the Buckleberry Ferry . The forces of Mordor are right on my tail because fatigue and brain fog payed a visit today, but they won´t shake me. Continuining my voyage... Let´s welcome our new members: @ksie @Yury98 The following brothers have upgraded and reach places in Middle Earth. Congratulations!!! @Cartographer @Ruhns9593 - Uruk-Hai @the_wizard - Hobbit / Hobbiton (Good luck my brother. Godspeed!!! ) @Onan the Barbarian @Rubzi - Buckleberry Ferry / Shire @LuckyMan - Weathertop / Eriador For those brothers that are struggling here´s some words of confidence . Checking out brave Fellowship. Have a great day!!! "Strength does not come from winning. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." M. Gandhi
Day 188. Avoidance of triggers is absolutely essential in the road to recovery, however, there also needs to be a sense of "living in the present moment" to go right along with it. There are times I read through what brothers have shared and I can see myself in that "state" of avoidance and it just hard, so I sympathize. When we are in a state of "keeping ourselves busy" we are innately "calling up" the images of PMOing as something to stay away from. This is not optimal and I know from first hand experience (no pun intended). Being in the "keeping ourselves busy" state is sort of like walking to the store, purchasing your favorite snack, taking it back to your home, setting it on the table, sitting down and starting to take a bite of it, and until that moment saying to yourself no I can't do this. Well at that point, your body is completely prepared to consume that substance. Everything is ready, your brain, your mind, your body, everything is ready, because the body knows. So, we have to live as "non-users". You just don't use porn, it's not bad, it's not good, it is just something you don't use. We are just people that are living in this present moment in time. Porn is not with you everywhere. It isn't isn't holding on to you like you think it is. Careful your words, do not utter things like "ooooh, I am getting stressed, I hope I don't relapse". You have just strengthened the connection between "being stressed" and "relapsing". "I am a non-user, and I am happy!"
100% agree. As long as porn is something you feel you're denying yourself, it's only a matter of time.
Day 85. Chaser effect is still present but slowly diminishing. I am pushing through. The urges have been some of the strongest during my journey so far. I need to busy my mind to quell the urges.
Day 3 @Slider8 The main reason why I have relapsed so many times was because that i didnt do the things that i planned to do every day. I became a lazy person. Now, i keep myself busy every day. When the urges start to hit me, i remember to be disciplined and move on. If i cant deal with the urges, cold shower comes into the play. So far so good
Day 7, Early morning run and active day at work. Now onto the homework grind Forward unto new horizons brave Fellowship
Day 4 I am almost to day 5. After my post last Friday, my life started to spiral and I PMO'd to cope. I ended up in the emergency room due to stress and my depression and though I was not admitted, it was a wake-up call. I had a long conversation with a brother from another recovery group I am a part of, and I realized I was floundering. I had a great meeting with my therapist yesterday, he is recommending I see a sex therapist, and I put a call in with the local clinic. Have not heard back. Almost got scammed by a man who promised to cure my porn addiction in seven days, and I was feeling so desperate to get clean I almost dropped $700 to join his "program". My mom talked me out of it, and when I got up the following day, I looked him up, and I could not find anything from people who went through the program other than on his website (and those can be forged). As it was, from what I could find, he is just a snake oil salesman. Porn cannot be beaten in a week, and though you can say "I will never watch it again", you will unless you put in the work and make significant changes in your life. I have new plans that I am putting in place to get clean as well as to avoid falling into another depressive episode like the one that sent me to the emergency room. I am going to take the next week and a half off from school to get my life back together, and since everything it remote, I can just take notes on the recorded lectures of the screen shots that the professors post. Friday was a serious wake-up call, and gave me some insight into why I look at porn. It is not just because I am addicted to it, but rather, it is an escape. When I feel miserable, it offers a quick respite in its dopamine release (though then I go back to feeling even worse afterward.) Anyway that is what I have been up to. I will be Urak-hai tomorrow at 6pm and I am looking forward to it. Best, Mathman1994
@Mathman1994 Man, sorry to hear about your struggle, brother. I am glad you didn't drop that amount! Darn salesman! I am glad you are able to reflect and keep an overall positive outlook despite what you went through. You have what it takes, just have to hone that part of you. Onwards, brother!
Wednesday check-in Still feeling positive about sobriety and freedom. I'm experiencing some mood swings, though. This morning my email wasn't working and then I felt some knee pain. This made me feel like nothing was going right in my life and so I pounded the shit out of a nearby chair. Pretty stupid. The chair is fine, btw. Kind of nice to get that out my system, though. Today so far: cold shower, prayer, healthy eating, eight hours of sleep. Still to go: meditation, exercise, reading about porn addiction and recovery. I think I've tied my best recent record of 19 days. In 24 hours I will have beaten my short term goal of 20 days. I think I'll celebrate by buying a book.