Sadly our relationship has become toxic. There are good days & bad days , more so bad. I just don't know what's wrong with me 6 months it's been since d day when I found out & I still shout , argue & say some pretty spiteful stuff to him. Pied has made me so angry , infact the whole thing has made me angry. I've tried to shift my pain & hurt, tried to be the loving partner he needs. Pied has sort of fixed itself , but still not to kissing or say me rubbing up against him or either him against me. He has to be the one to be aroused or have manual stimulation from me , which I dont want to do. That in turn makes me feel unsexy / unwanted , you get the drift ☹ and round we go. Back to arguments / crying & spitefulness from both of us. He says I should be happy with what I get and to not bring up any past especially his pmo. How do I get out of this mind set? I know its past & can't be changed , but I can't help how I feel either of rejection when things aren't working. Were both severely depressed now. He's seeing a counsellor, I'm not because I can't afford us both. I absolutely love the man to death but I fear were both at snapping point now & it won't last much longer.
I really hope so ☹ I've basically turned into a monster. I can honestly say in all of our 12 year relationship we've never argued to any extent. But with this , its non stop. PA's do not realise the damage the can do to their partner's. I can see he's ever so sorry & that he never set out to hurt me. I see the pain he has from that , it wasn't his intention at all. But I just can't seem to zip it. It's like a constant yo yo of emotions.
Sorry to hear I wouldn't know what to suggest for arguing couples...maybe a temporary break? They say time is a healer...but with NoFap and PIED this stuff seems to take ages!
I can't give you a solution, because ultimately you have to decide how to proceed. But I will give you some support. There's nothing wrong with you. Everything that you describe is a totally understandable, normal and natural response from a real woman. Don't blame yourself. Of course it does. Be aware that although you feel unsexy, it doesn't mean that you are unsexy. Feeling unwanted is a result of his brain needing porn and masturbation instead of a real woman. (You're a real woman.) None of this is your fault. That is an unhelpful response from him. You have every right to be unhappy with what you get — or don't get, in this case. I hope that I'm wrong, but to me, this sounds like an attempt to manipulate you through guilt to get you off his back. Frankly, as a man, he should be listening to you and understanding you, instead of guilting you. Questions: Has he stopped PMO completely? Is he taking therapy seriously? Is he taking your relationship seriously? Is he making sincere and concerted efforts to repair the damage? if the answers to all of the questions are "yes", it might be helpful to back off a bit. You can't afford therapy, so presumably you don't live in Europe. But you need help. Do you have a trusted and non-judgemental friend or family member to talk to? If the answer to any of the questions is "no", you need to ask yourself some serious questions about whether this relationship is going to last. You say that you love him to death, and it sounds like you are loving him to (your) death. Is it time to stop short of death? You need someone to listen to you, and you deserve therapy. As cost is a factor, look for therapies that are extremely cheap or free. Below is a list of therapies that I've collated over time (I've tried almost all of them), but it's not an exhaustive list — you can find others. Some of them (such as EFT, yoga and mindfulness) can be found free on YouTube and elsewhere, although of course seeing a professional is always preferable. You might be able to find a meditation group locally that requires only a small donation. Ask your GP CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) Clinical psychology Counselling Craniosacral therapy EFT (emotional freedom technique) Hypnotherapy Indian head massage Massage therapy (by a professional) Matrix reimprinting Meditation Mindfulness Network spinal analysis NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) Reflexology Reiki Systemic constellations Tai chi Yoga Life coaching (from a qualified life coach) is also an option, but it costs. Good luck!
Well, I can't help you with anything but mere supportive words. Still I would say this... PMO is a different kind of demon altogether and it destroys even good people in various ways. There is nothing wrong with you, you may be the most stunning woman out there, but because of the multitude of issues PMO creates, your partner can make you feel like you are unattractive to him which isn't there real reason as you already know. Arguments, crying and spitefulness is never gonna solve anything, so try and avoid them as much as possible. (I know it's an insanely tough thing to ask of someone in your shoes.) Any kind of issue between two people in a relationship is solved by talking, understanding and making efforts sincerely. If he is doing all three things, I would go and suggest you to hope. If any of you isn't keen on applying all of these things, then I fear it's gonna be a different story eventually. Once again, we are strangers on the internet so take our words with some salt. Best wishes -MSH
With regards to counselling I'm in the uk and its roughly £40 an hour. Which he goes to weekly. I can't afford twice that as were on disability benefit as I'm disabled. I do believe hes given up pmo . I can't be 100% sure if he isn't M every now and then. But I hope not & would like to be able to trust him in that respect. Even though when I asked him earlier last year to stop and he didn't. I guess I've alot to get out of my system. I'd been so I'll these last 3 years and honestly believed he was by my side in all of it. Sad truth is he was pmoing while I suffered with chronic pain and sepsis in the middle of it. He hadn't barely touched me for the entire 2 years , which I know is a short amount of time compared to some. How he got pied in that short space I've no idea. Although my guess is it was the stuff he'd been watching. Which he admitted to me. That alone was disgusting in its self. He has I hope been honest , goes to counselling every week & I think hes trying with our relationship but has alot of shame. He's said many times it wasn't his intention to hurt me & had he known his actions would have resulted in this he would have spoken to me about the way he was feeling before starting any of this.
Have you spoken to your doctor? Counselling should be free, up to a point. Also check out Talking Space, which the NHS provides free of charge. It doesn't take long to rewire the brain. Excessive porn and masturbation will do that quickly. I believe that. It's true of any addict. They don't intend to hurt you, but they do hurt you. That, unfortunately, is addiction.
I have yes , there's a 6 month wait list at the very least. I had a look at talking space, it's for those in oxford. I'm north wilts
Oh, that's disappointing. Sorry, I thought that it was country-wide. Ask your GP what services the NHS can offer you, and have a look at the ideas at the end of my first post.
Perhaps he could drop back to once a fortnight and you could find a counsellor specialising in Betrayal Trauma for the alternate fortnights?
I'm not sure he'd be willing to do that. He has no friends or family , so it all falls to me to a certain extent & I cannot heal us both when I'm struggling myself. I've literally turned into a viscous monster that I'm ashamed of to be honest. I'm 43 and a mum of 4 adult children & I've never been so hurt & angry than I am now. Especially over this prolonged period. I think I'll go back to the gp & see if they can usher counselling any faster.
Read books by pia melody. Look at the hazelden publishing and find some books to read in the meantime on partner recovery. Have you considered going to 12 step meetings for partners? Cosa? Online meetings? if you can’t do therapy, you’ll need to find a way to do some work. Healing needs work. Time doesn’t heal all wounds by itself.
I'm not sure if there is a 12 step for partners over here. Although I'll look again The problem I have is mobility issues , I'm in a wheelchair , so getting out can be an issue sometimes. I'll certainly search those books out though . Thank you
Just a little update I've had nights & nights of no sleep recently, which has given me much time to think. I decided yesterday to physically say ' I forgive you ' to my partner. The fighting , the arguing cannot go on. Its helped none of us through these last 6 months. Were both in a massive depression , where we were both sitting quietly waiting for the next round. I think he needed to hear this from me , Just as much as I finally needed to say I forgive you. I know its past & although I'm still hurt that 2 years were stolen from me in effect , Ultimately I can't change that nor can he. What's done is done. I can only look forward to whatever the future may be
Well done! Forgiveness and compassion are needed to move forward, this is what I've realised. Hoping you guys sort things out, life is too short to be bitter about things you can't change. X
This is amazing. Many spouses never reach this point and the only way forward is to grow apart. Your action says you choose to try to grow back together even though it is hard.
You can self refer to LIFT psychology in Wiltshire. I use this service myself. They have many courses and also 121 counselling sessions.x
Thank you ever so much. I'll look into that straight away. Edit : Seems it covers just swindon..I'm just outside swindon in one of the villages.