Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read this? If you relate at all, feel free to connect with me and journey along. If there is hope for me.... then I truly believe anyone can change. EVERYTHING in this post is 100% truth. My name is John and I am 33 years old (within a month of my 34th birthday). My first real interest in any sort of obsession with a woman happened either in the 3rd or 4th grade. It was my teacher and I had extremely intense thoughts about her (I can remember writing about fantasies that involved her). I believe I first discovered the act of M between the ages of 10-12 (after a close friend of mine told me about it). Up until Grade 9 I couldn't even look into the eyes of a female classmate (I was teased by girls and many of them would attempt to make me look at them; even corner me). Then came my first girlfriend in Grade 10 and I engaged in acts with her/ intimacy for the first time at 15. This on top of the fact that I viewed P everyday (and my viewing of this material has never stopped beyond possibly a couple weeks once or twice up until now. I have completed the act of M all those times, and at times multiple times a day. The number of hours looking at this garbage? Sickening). High school was not a good time. Between bullying and severe acne as well as not truly being comfortable with my identity meant that I spent almost no time building a future and lots of time escaping through P usage. I was diagnosed with depression around the age of 16 and put on medication at that time. University was a joke as I took an easy major and remained at home. I dated through most of it but broke it off with my girlfriend. Let me interject for a minute and admit to the fact that I have cheated on every relationship I have ever been in. So between porn and cheating I have really screwed up my life. I started drinking and partying between high school and university on a serious level. My 20s are a blur of drugs, alcohol and intimacy. It continued to escalate into attending a few rub a tugs, using escort sites and sleeping around with anyone who was willing. You see it wasn't about the intimacy, it was about the novelty of different partners. I could not give you an exact number on the amount of women I have been involved with but I know it is below 200. Most of my life is a fog, and I cannot emphasize that enough. My memory is horrible and I have always felt that there was something different about me but it has probably been deeply affected by the years of abuse I put my body through. So here I am now- substance free and battling to change my life and regain whatever sanity I still have remaining. Maybe I can find some sort of healing through abstinence, psychotherapy, and this community as well as 12-steps. I feel the damage is done and I will either commit suicide or be destined to a life where I just survive without a mind that is capable of little more than a simple job. I have not been successful in academics post grade 8. I never had a vision for the future. I have quit jobs due to anxiety or lost them due to poor performance. I work part-time and have never really had a full-time gig. Basically I have really screwed up my life up until this point. No idea what the future holds but like I said in the headline of this thread, if there is hope for me and I come out the other side... anyone can. If you made it to the end, let me know what you think. Take care and all the best! John
I wish you success with the therapy and/or 12-step programs. Remember that you're worth the effort. I don't personally have the same experiences as you. Addictions and compulsive bad behaviors can take people in very different directions. In recovery we need to find the right balance and love ourselves enough to do what is right.
Well 12-step programs in my opinion is shit. Why ? Because you can't change you'r mindset and habits that easy.Its gonna take some long time to you go back on that horse . Abstain from porn is not gonna resolve all you'r problems but it will open a door for a new way of life . I would recommend start finding that fulfillment in you'r life start looking what you are passionate about . Start some hobbies and start working out and going on some healthy diet .Socialize with people and maybe start a relationship . Overall just start living normal productive life you don't need alchol or weed etc...
Hey, you're in good company here. Porn has screwed us all over in one way or another. I see you've considered suicide - I have, too, at one point or another. The good news is you don't have to. This stuff really can be beaten, with time and effort. I've struggled with porn for the past ten years or so. It's caused problems in my marriage and cost me countless hours of productivity and sleep. My longest recent sobriety streak (roughly 80 days) was due to some big lifestyle changes: complete abstinence from trigger sites like Reddit, strict daily limits for Internet/social media use, and the introduction of positive daily habits like meditation, exercise, drinking water, and pausing to breathe. We use porn as an escape because we think it'll make us happier, but the truth is, it's self-harm. We've self-medicated so long with poison that we don't know what real "self-care" (that's so cliche but it works here) looks like. 12-step programs don't work for everyone. But they do work for a lot of people. If you're thinking of checking them out, and you have time to go to a meeting nearby, by all means, I'd say do it. I've wanted to for so long, but I have a wife, kid, and two jobs that take up 150% of my time. You can always stop going if they don't feel like a good fit. Long story short, we're all in this stupid boat together, so I'm glad you posted this.
I agree with the above posts... you are not untypical of many on here. I for example have been able to hold down a good job but I've lost several relationships. Read the posts on this site and find a method that works for you. Mine for what its worth involved removing access to porn and replacing it with exercise, meditation and other activities. However, the best piece of advice I have is not to look on it as giving anything up or depriving yourself... its the direct opposite! You are saving yourself and gaining a new life.
Thanks for your time and encouragement.... learning to love myself is definitely a work in progress. All the best in your journey as well!
I am proud of you. You have found courage to change your life and make effort to be a better man. Thank you for your inspiring posts and thank you in advance for your success, which will result in a lot of good stuff for a world. Best wishes!