I feel stuck (I'm on day 80)

Hey guys, I'm on day 80 and i feel stuck:
I spend about 8 hours a day on Youtube or video games. I don't like playing video games. It's just that I'm bored.
When I go out, sometimes the girls are really attractive,and they are looking at me and it makes me happy because I used to don't feel any attraction around womens. So I stare at them, and then I overthink about that.. And I also always have S thoughts, always! It just disappear when i feel totally busy.
Sometimes it seems like my only goal in life is to have s, and the womens are the object of my desire. I really don't like thinking like that. But I guess fantasizing give me dopamine.

So I decide to stop playing video games, to stop watching youtube, to eat healthy, to workout, to go out, to study for my final exam, and then I feel depressed about my height.

And I also feel like I can't do it because I used to have severe anxiety, depersonalization and it really scare to get out and have anxiety and depersonalization.

 

You dont go to school?

 

you can't replace fapping with other addictions, thats not how this works. Nofap gives you motivation, you have to use that power.

 

Stop getting depresed dude. Enjoy your life a bit! Its not that hard.

 

No, I had to stop going to school because of my anxiety.

 

Dude that is nasty. You got bullied?

 

Yes kind of.

 

The thing I realised is we cant change the past only work towards a better future for ourselves, but its also good too make sense of things that have happened..so with that in mind id suggest a counsellor to discuss your feelings emotions and thoughts.. Try to work on not being scared to fully open up to people in real life, everyone feels anxious and depressed at times.. It really isnt just you.. But i know it feels like it.. But id suggest to take those symptoms as you needing to open up and talk! You will be more aware and feel stronger if you start working towards a better you. Take your time and realise you could be just starting on the road to true self discovery.. Something that the people willing to bully are so far from!

 

Sorry, but depression doesn't work like this. What he really needs is to find something useful to do, i noticed that most of people change one addiction to an other. The key here is to find (if is actually possible) a good addiction. I for instance, I'm using my free time to learn how to draw to improve my skills. Just need to search something better to do.

 

Have you tried talking to a psychiatrist??

 

Leaving school was possibly the worst idea. The way to defeating anxiety is to face it, not hide away.

You already know what is causing it, you just have to face it now. You got yourself into this mess and you can get yourself out.

1) you need to get back out where your anxiety lies, its hard but the other option you have is to just stay at home and let your anxieties grow
2) stay off porn (obviously), stay off your bloody computer/mobile phone/TV its obvious you're spending too much time online. Its just giving you more anxiety

Its no good coming on here asking for answers when you're not even trying. You know what you have to do you just wont do it.

Its not impossible to go for a walk, start small.

 

some great proactive suggestions and thats where you need to be...making good choices for yourself etc...
but personally I do think you need to revisit those school days..
the thoughts and feelings youve had at that time made you give up school and now your carrying that with you now...
at that time feeling forced to make that choice is a big and very upsetting step to take..
it sound like perhaps your beating on yourself still about having to feel you had to do that etc...
maybe theres family issues behind that, pressures you also werent dealing with? substances you used to cover stuff up etc etc but only you will know this...
rest assured generally the good stuff to talk about is that stuff we try to close down because it scares us or makes us think we will do the same or have to run away from issues again.
And as your mentioning certain things in your post... thats a sign you need to talk things through.

 

Thank you guys for your answers, I was feeling down yesterday but now I feel a bit better.
I didn’t mention that even if I spend a lot of time on screens. I’m doing things. I sometimes make music on my computer and I’m making organic farming with my grandpa.

 

About facing my anxiety, I know it’s what I should do but it’s really hard since I had severe anxiety I’m scared about being anxious, and that’s a vicious circle.
Since this day it’s really hard to go out, and even to stay alone at home.
So I’m doing everything I can to avoid triggers on my anxiety. (Not the best behavior I know)

 

And yes I talk with a psychologist once a week

 

Its up to you brother.....But if you keep running and letting the anxiety of past and present govern you and stating how severe or extreme etc etc YOUR situation is or was then im afraid this will stay with you...

For one ...Rest assured you really aren't broken mate!

And just because you have suffered doesnt mean you have to go on suffering!! work and time will see progress!

Now of course the Dr can 'medicate' you or you can self medicate or just hide away etc etc... medication in my personal exp isnt to be used as a solution or crutch.. it made me running and hiding feel ok!

The Lack of self esteem you will be feeling... that again is fine brother and can be 100% worked on...

You have to start making steps... very tiny ones to help yourself.

And just because you have a therapist doesnt mean you will open up fully, or that the therapist should sort this all out...be aware of this!
you have to participate fully in therapy over a period of time, and therapy is all about YOU not the therapist! make sure you find a therapist that you feel you will be able to let go with!

On a personal level what Im going through now by really tackling addictions and many things and discussing in a truthful and open manner and actually admitting my vulnerability to myself and with my counsellor as well as in other groups is helping me take the pressure off...its doesnt feel like it sometimes actually in those situations.. but taking those steps is working! Im being good to myself by trying!

Again personally my triggers are very important! Im more aware of them now..

Also the bad coping behaviours ive carried forward with me from a young age..and mostly not talking about my mental state at different times when ive needed to have caused me such suffering!

I feel and have felt similar to your suffering.. your anxiety isnt unique brother no that for sure! and it can be worked on 100%

over to you brother.

 

Thanks brother that’s really encouraging.
I sent you a Pm msg!

 

Hi natnhnatnh! Thanks for your post. Some of the replies seemed a little harsh. It isn't your fault. The bullying and trauma must have been very severe.

Throwing yourself head first into the trauma isn't always the answer. Sometimes it can make things worse.

People knock a comfort zone but actually a comfort zone is exactly what a lot of us didn't get growing up. And exactly what we should have got. We were forced to grow up too soon and it didn't really work, which is why we picked up things like PMO to cope. So living self-protectively is actually a good instinct.

You might be too traumatized to really make anything out of the various actions to take. That's okay. If thats the case just be gentle with yourself. Try to have self compassion when you are feeling unhappy with yourself.

I'm 28 and I had a really terrible set of damages that were done to me from an early age. It made me vulnerable to bullying and my parents were unavailable, unable to help me understand how to defend myself or what to do. It's not as simple as just "pulling myself up by my boot straps". So I think that kind of scolding is only going to cause more harm.

 

Also I wanted to add. It sounds like you actually gave up the youtube and gaming. I know what you mean to just do that out of boredom. For me its my abandonment issues. I grew up neglected and learned to cope with TV and games. Kids whose parents actually attend to them don't have to cope that way. It gets to feel like there is no life outside the computer because there never was one! And you shouldn't have to go and make it on your own. Your parents were supposed to take the time to show you around the world. So you know how to be in the world. I'm totally lost in the world.

But if you got off the video games and you tube maybe you can just find things like meditation, going to nature, journaling. You could write an autobiography. You could start dream journaling or regular journaling.

These are things you can do in your own safe space. that don't really put you at a risk to be hurt so much. But they still help you heal and grow.

Also for me, the A C A program helped me sort out my trauma. (Adult children of alcoholics) It is about recovering from abuse and other such things.

 

A Great honest post PMO addict
and also a fantastic and friendly 'nudge' for the initial poster and to anyone reading too look at the underlying stuff and be proactive about tackling such things.

Personally I know for a while when I became more aware of my patterns,issues and past trauma's part of me wanted to blame people for this and that.. feeling that in many respects people had done this too me and were pulling my strings at every chance... and in some respects that is true.. and im still in the early days of sorting through stuff myself.. but I can feel like that still at times!
And I think that its actually quite natural too feel like that when we go deeper..
^^^^^
BUT also just to say.. the answers in moving forward for me dont really seem to come from there..
but all the same its still very good to voice how you feel as you progress...thats where 'person centered' type counsellors can be very helpful... but obviously that's all only relevant if the initial poster does decide he needs to take up a program or look at the different services available that may help him.