It seems like the only time I have success in overcoming this is when I have a good woman to motivate me to do better. For the past couple months, I've been lucky enough to be able to go on regular dates with a girl. Nothing too intimate besides holding hands, and even that was 'moving too fast'. It was cute. It would have been my first relationship. Instead it was a frustrating situationship littered with the push and pull of two steps forward and one step back. Still she has unknowingly helped make me a better person. Instead of keeping it casual, I fell for her and into despair as she refused to commit. I really thought she would. I don't know if I was blinded by infatuation. She has sincere interest, but I realize I overestimated how much. She told me on Sunday she would finally decide to commit or not. Today is Wednesday. Even though it's just been a couple days, I've already lost almost all hope it will turn out how I pray it will. Love doesn't take a week to decide. These last few days have been torture and I have a constant weight on my chest. I know it isn't healthy, and my inexperience got the better of me and led to me being hurt. I'll still take her if she wants, but I will be very surprised if that is what she chooses. There is nothing I can do but wait, and every moment of it passes so slow. It seems like I can't do anything to distract myself. It is a classic love story, but it's nearly guaranteed to be a tragedy for me. As I stand halfway to 90 days, I am scared that I will relapse in the face of this defeat. Already the temptation grows strong to fall into old habits, even though the final battle in her own heart is still undecided. What's worse is there nothing I can do for her. I don't want to lose her, or my current progress. Now I fear I'll lose them both. I am tired of this curse of loneliness. This is my first thread on this site. Mostly I just needed a place to put my feelings. I've never had an easier time hitting 30 days. I don't think I can say the same for 90 this time around.
