Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

Another lovely day working with my wife on garden projects and community projects. I used to get so paranoid and jealous of S talking with other men. I had terrible social anxiety and would often say inappropriate things trying to appear normal.
Since I have stopped PMO this has changed. I guess we judge others by our own standards and if I am willing to entertain sexual thoughts about others then I should expect my wife to do the same, which is what caused the paranoia and anxiety. Now, because I don't entertain thoughts of sex with others, it is easy to accept that my wife doesn't either. There are no issues when S tells me about a nice person she met in the village or we meet on the street.

Its all a bit messed up and I am very grateful she is still with me considering the thought crimes I have committed.

 

A grumpy day yesterday. A lack of perceived control of how my day would pan out meant I took action which I didnt really want to do, leading to me being grumpy while doing it. S and I spoke about it and I managed to get to the bottom of what the issues were. I asked for a hug in the end which really worked to reconnect us.
In the past, hugging was something I did for S, I didn't get much out of it other than the knowledge that she did.
Now though, its as if I have become sensitive to the joy and comfort a simple hug can give. I suppose my brain was so used to a more intense neurochemical hit, that the more subtle releases caused by a hug didn't register. Either that or the stimulus of a hug wasnt intense enough to cause any reaction at all.
As I am sure I have said many times - I feel at the beginning of this journey.
My next step is to do a little investigation into abandonment and adoption. I was adopted at birth so wondered if it had anything to do with my insecurity issues....

 

I am really appreciating the mental freedom and space made by not obsessing about sex. I think half the time I used to initiate sex because I thought I better show my wife that I want to otherwise she might think I am looking at P or fantasising about someone or something else.
I know that every night I will be in bed in my wife's arms. This gives me a sense of abundance. If I am in her arms and my body becomes aroused then that is an enjoyable side effect. My wife might respond to that arousal or she might not, I have no expectations only that she be there for me in a physically affectionate way. This might look like just laying still holding each other until the arousal subsides, or it might involve non sexual touching and kissing, or more sexual stimulation but only as a means to extend and deepen the bonding and closeness we thrive on.
It is all very lovely.
Our relationship goals are to get to know each other better and develop a trusting and close bond which we reinforce through acts of affection and kindness. The sex was really getting in the way so by me refraining from ejaculation and sexual fantasy, I have managed to get rid of my cravings for orgasm focused sexual contact.
Interestingly I feel more like myself than I have for a very long time (before I started ejaculating maybe).
I really enjoy this time in the morning where I can write about this journey and i do sometimes write in the evening in our love journal, so I can share with my wife, but my day is then usually free of sexual thoughts.
In the past this would not have been the case, I would have been distracted by something on social media, or a person on the street or a fantasy my mind has dreamt up and that would flood my brain full of dopamine.
It might be hours a day that I would be thinking about a fantasy on and off. Sometimes it would manifest as looking for a specific type of P or even planning a specific sex act with myself or with my wife.
Hopefully I have finally grown out of that fantasy stage of my life and have started living in the real world. I now have more time to share with my wife, get to know her, and enjoy what we have left.

 

Working through the Gottman book and we have come across some games to play about discovering each others love maps. Basically getting to know each other better. And I think the key thing I have taken from the Gottmans work is that we are constantly changing so it isn't just a case of getting to know someone then you know them. There is a requirement to keep getting to know that person.
I suppose I am still in the process of getting to know myself. I was laid awake this morning thinking "who am I ?" I couldn't hold any of the labels in my head apart from 'a sensual being', what ever that is, lol.

 

Stress building through work and I can feel my mind pulling towards thinking about sex to self sooth, however I think I am generally consciously competent in that I notice this pull and can change my mind's direction by providing a different soothing focus.
Funny how I used to think having less sex ejaculating less and not fantasising, would make me 'less of a man'. It appears to have done the opposite - I feel more confident and self assured than ever, which actually leads to me being able to express my feelings better whether that is by talking about things that make me feel vulnerable or crying when the emotion gets to that point.
Another fear was that my kinks would go off the scale and I would be wanting to do all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff. That hasn't been the case either. The first couple of weeks things were a bit haywire with cravings but now I am really settling down into who I feel I really am.
I am a sensual being who thrives on all sorts of sensations. By tuning down the loud sexual sensations, I have opened up a world of other, previously drowned out sensations of the body and the mind.
This is an amazing journey

 

Still vigilant. I have had indicators in the last few days of how my tiredness can reduce my resolve. When sexually provocative images appear online and my eye looks and seek the next. Its harmless surely. Just like the occasional cigarette after having stopped for 2 months. Which turns into one a day, then 2 then 5 then back to the addiction feeling defeated.
I must be strongest when it is hardest to be strong. I must refocus on my values:
I am guilty of living a secret sexual life where I look at pornographic images and sexually explicit text, fantasising about alternate sexual practices. I would do this to get high and escape stress. This behaviour distorts my beliefs and values about intimacy and generates an artificial craving to have sexual fantasies fulfilled. I start to believe that I am not being authentic if I do not find a way to engage in these practices. If these sexual thoughts manifest, I will try to establish if there is a need behind the thought which could be fulfilled in another way. I will avoid exposing myself to such material and will only indulge sexual thoughts reflecting on recent intimacy with Sarah. I will be open and honest with Sarah if I relapse.
I have let Sarah know I have been feeling the draw of using sexual thinking to self sooth, and have managed to pull myself away. I will continue to monitor the situation.
In real life it is different - I have to make a conscious decision to move my eyes from a persons face to their body, so avoiding these kind of sexual images should be easier. The online ones are harder because they appear where I am looking totally unexpectedly. I still have to move my eyes to look at their bodies but the eye movement is so much more subtle. Either way I reaffirm my commitment to chastity with S:
Chastity for a married person requires complete faithfulness of body and mind toward the spouse. Any sexual or romantic encounters with anyone other than one’s spouse are obviously forbidden. But there are other matters that would violate marital chastity, such as sexually fantasizing about anyone outside the marriage, engaging in flirtatious conversations, inappropriate touching with others, looking at pornography and so forth. The virtue of chastity enables and requires one to be exclusively devoted to one’s spouse.

 

When I think about my life I feel excited about the direction it is headed. Although I know I might not have much time left, at least I am living it to its full potential now. For a large part of my life I have wanted to be mentally and physically fit, however I have struggled to maintain any kind of consistency. Freeing myself from the mental roller coaster and lack of sensation frequent ejaculation causes feels like one of the best moves I have ever made. I remember the same feeling when I have given up substances in the past.
I am exercising 45 mins a day 5 days a week. A good uphill walk in the beautiful countryside where I live, and this has been consistent for the whole of this 'streak'(I hate calling it that).
I have stopped feeling I have to have sex to keep my wife happy.
I am exploring my own psychology in a way i have never been able before. The consistency of thought and mood is helping me gain a really good perspective.
I am loving the more stable reliable me.
I am beginning to get to know and love myself in a way I can't remember ever being able to in the past.
My ego seems to have receded to a point where if it does affect my behaviour in a negative way, I am more aware and able to recognise and change the bits I don't like - or at least try to change them.

 

Read some more Diana Richardson last night. I have been a fan for a few years and she does a good TED talk if anyone is interested.
I read the chapters focusing on orgasm and ejaculation in her book 'Tantric Sex'. I may have read them before but they seemed so much more relatable now. She describes how the craving for peak orgasm creates tension in both partners bodies which masks so much sensation and also leads to premature orgasm. She describes the hollowness after this kind of orgasm and how if we relax into love making our sensation is so much more.
She also talked a lot about erections and how to let them come and go without force, and how these kinds of erections are so much more fulfilling in themselves even without ejaculation at the end.
She talks about how in conventional sex we feel cheated if we don't ejaculate and how if we build up so much sexiual tension in our bodies that if we do not ejaculate that tension has no where to go and makes us feel physically and mentally congested after intimacy.

My experiences over the last couple of months have been really enlightening. I have been surprised at the satisfaction and contentment caused by just laying with my wife and touching each other for 30 minutes or so while aroused, amazed at the whole body tingles provided just by a passionate kiss, and overjoyed at my ability to engage in very hot intimate acts staying relaxed but more aroused than I have ever in my life been, experiencing that arousal as intense deep pleasure running right through my core.
Pretty exciting stuff!
Part of the joy of this kind of love making is that we let it happen when we both are in the right place for it to happen. This falls inline with our natural drive to experience novelty. We never know when or what is going to happen in terms of intimacy, from day to day and week to week. We don't keep a score. It doesn't matter as long as we are checking in with each other emotionally and physically on a regular basis.

 

I think I am slowly breaking out of the "the man should be always ready for sex" belief. I used to think that I had to be ready to go at the drop of a hat so that if my wife was interested I could make the most of the opportunity. I now know that attitude was not healthy. I have noticed over the last few days I have gently turned down requests for more intense intimacy, and there have been times when my wife has been touching me and my body has been less responsive than usual. I am pretty sure thus is to do with an impending deadline at work (today!!) which has increased my stress levels somewhat.
In the past my lack of response would have created even more stress and I would have probably forced myself to become aroused physically. I would have accepted my wife's request for more intense intimacy but not really been present during it.
I am starting to realise how similar my wife and I are(men and women really are) when it comes to intimacy. For me to be truly intimate with my wife and not just physically and sexually engaged, I need to be in the right state of mind. Because I am disassociating sex with stress relief I am no longer driven to engage in sexual activity for the sake of relaxation. Knowing I am not going to ejaculate has been a big part of breaking that habit.
My wife used to say she felt like I wasn't even there most of the time when we were having sex. She could have been anyone or anything. Just a tool to help me get off. And when I went to pleasure her, she felt like I was just trying to put money in the meter to keep her providing sex for me.
She was right of course. I didnt realise sex and intimacy could be a continual dance between two people - an ebb and flow of affection and attention that does not stop just because we get out of bed, and is not interrupted by massive peaks(ejaculation) which afterwards cause breaks in the dance.
I know the tide is out at the moment but as sure as the moon rises I know the tide will make its way back in and we will become more intimate when the time is right.
This feels like the genuine way of loving.

 

Starting to feel more like connecting already. Deadline went yesterday, I have a few days to wait for results which will be a bit tense but there is nothing I can do about the outcome now.
The last few days, as I said in my previous post, have really highlighted how, in the past, stressful situations have caused a strong drive to have sex, whereas now they do the opposite. In the past I wanted to have sex for distraction and for the 'relief' that ejaculation brings, now we make love because we are tuned into each other and want to strengthen the connection we have. This involves being totally present and cannot happen if we are totally stressed out, or at least it would require a lot of relaxation work before hand.
So I admit, I do not always want to have physical intimacy. I have to be 'in the mood', we both do.. It means
I actually am finding it quite exciting recognising this

 

My wife has wanted intimacy early in the mornings for the past couple of days. I have noticed how I have struggled to be present, drifting from awake to dreaming. I noticed how my body was not really reacting to her advances and how I felt I should be close with her so forced my arousal.
This led to an erection but no arousal- no feelings and sensations of connection and pleasure. You can guess these sessions did not last long. I have written in our love journal about these experiences so my wife and I can discuss them openly this evening.
It again confirms that I don't always want to be intimate and need to be in the right state of mind for conscious closeness.
I am glad i had some awareness because otherwise i might have pushed for sensation and ended up ejaculating without realising how close I was.

 

I really need to get on top of my routine over the next 3 months. I have 3 important deadlines to meet and do not want my relationship to suffer because I am stressed with work issues.
I think I will do what Gandhi suggested, when I have a really busy day then I need to meditate twice as long
In terms of intimacy, I know that the more we are consciously affectionate and attentive, the closer we feel so I will make a point of offering kisses and hugs and skin to skin contact regularly to try to counter the distance the stress causes between us.

 

My sense of scarcity has surfaced some what over the last few days. Craving for intimacy on a low level, but there all the same. But on analysis it is not intimacy I am craving, it is the sensations involved in sexual arousal I crave to help me stay calm and relax. This desire is the old way of using sex - sex as medicine to self medicate uncomfortable feelings.
Along with this feeling of scarcity comes the thought - what if we are never intimate again?
Well 69 days of no ejaculation with no focus on sex has shown me that I can have a fulfilling life without having sex.

I will spend the day trying to be conscious and aware of my wife and how we interact. On reflection maybe it is feelings of disconnection and loneliness which drive my sexual cravings. I have felt distance between us and there have been a few crossed words which we have resolved but have been there non the less. Being adopted makes me very fearful and sensitive to abandonment.

So it is difficult to find a group I fit into:
I am a bisexual monogamous husband who does not ejaculate, living with a wife who isn't very keen on penetrative sex. We share lots of affection and talk intimately about our feelings. We have amazing non ejaculatory 'outercourse' occasionally, and see sexual intimacy as an extension of our love for each other but not a priority in our lives.

 

A good day working together on our vegetable garden yesterday. We shared kisses and hugs.
The sense of scarcity is lifting, more to do with the time we spent consciously together yesterday than the brief and cool intimacy this morning.
I think it is really good to remind myself of the fact it is not the sex which makes me feel close, connected and whole - it is the time together spent consciously and with an open heart which builds the bond between us.

 

Stressful and uncomfortable feelings in my life in general are triggering unhelpful thinking patterns from the past. " We are not having enough intimacy...its been ages since we were last intimate....I am being short changed for intimacy in this relationship..."
These unhelpful thoughts are all focused on we getting relief from uncomfortable feelings from sex. There is no biological need for me to be sexually intimate. There is no prescribed amount of intimacy which is expected in marriage, and we have been very intensely intimate just 3 weeks ago, and since then have shared embraces, kisses and low level sexual arousal.
I think I need find ways to counter these thoughts and healthy action to take to acknowledge, accept and reduce if possible the stress and discomfort.
I will report back with what I come up with.

 

Enjoyable brief intimacy this morning. I could tell I was attached to the expectation of being touched and it wasn't until I relaxed and focused my attention on S that she started touching me. My body reacted instantly and I stayed aroused for quite a while after she had got up. And it wasn't just a physical erection, there was sensation and feeling there as well.
It feels like I am coming out of a mild 2 week 'flatline'. This maybe explains my trying to understand my cravings for more intimacy. I will see how it goes...

 

I meditated on being attentive to my wife yesterday. It seemed to work. I paid her more attention and was more affectionate. I will try the same today.
I have spent so much of my life being totally self centred I need this kind of explicit action to change my habits.
I feel a little obsessed with sexual stimulation which is concerning me. I will work on my affirmations to reinforce the reasons why this isn't healthy for me.

 

For the first time I wrote to a friend about my nofap/semen retention journey. As well as on here my wife is the only person I talk with about it. It would be great if it was accepted as a more normal thing to talk about. It would be great to be able to bring it up in general conversation.
The friend is not renowned for prompt replies so I might not get anything back, but it felt like a mile stone for me. That acceptance that actually, although semen retention is not mainstream, it is a valid lifestyle choice and recognises that PMO can cause problems for people. If the friend responds negatively, then that will damage our relationship.

After months of suppressing my desires for intimacy I tried a different approach yesterday. I was totally explicit in my head that I wanted sexual intimacy when I went to be affectionate with S. I was still being very aware of her responses to my touches incase I detected she wanted me to stop. As it happened she took my hand an just held it still. I took this as meaning she did not want to go further. There was no disappointment on my side because just stroking her arm had given me pleasure and I knew that there would be another time.
As it happened the other time was 2 minutes later when S initiated 15 minutes of full body touching, kissing and embracing. Another great mile stone for me was that this was a really sensual experience with waves of pleasure running up and down my body, but I did not force and S did not take my body to the edge - there was no hunting for non ejaculatory orgasm.

 

S is stressed at the moment with family issues so I tried to be the supportive husband I want to be, talking and listening , holding and kissing as appropriate.
My new attitude towards intimacy feels liberating and more honest. By actually thinking 'I want to be intimate with you' while I was holding S made me feel like I was open and honest about my intentions but without putting any pressure on S. By looking for the signals that she wants things to progress I am giving our relationship the best chance of being physically close and loving in sexual and non sexual ways (I think).

I reset my counter from 75 to 0 today because of a wet dream last night. Very bizarre and nothing to do with sex. I was rock climbing and the cool breeze was feeling really good going up my trouser leg....first ejaculation of any kind since Christmas.
I was unsure if I wanted to tell S who is in the habit of trying to analyse what causes them (which I don't think is helpful) but I did for the sake of open and honest communication.

It will be interesting to monitor my mood and libido over the next couple of weeks to see if there is a significant change. I don't feel any different at the moment...

 

Yesterday was absolutely fine even though the previous night I had had the first ejaculation in 75 days. I felt slight agitation when I first got up but that was gone after my morning walk. I felt affectionate towards S all day and we even went for an afternoon cuddle.
S is getting more confident in pointing out when I am pushing for sensation rather than being present in the moment and pulled me up in a light hearted way at one point. She said she could tell by the look on my face I was pushing towards ejaculation and she was right. This is a really great thing for me because, even though I have become proficient at avoiding ejaculation, I am still guilty of edging, so am often still practicing goal orientated love making instead of being present in the moment and enjoying whatever sensations arise.
This is a recent admission which I will add to my affirmations...