Relationships and Porn

Cold turkey is the only way, I tried looking at a little porn once in a while. Forget it, it's like an alcoholic saying I'll take a sip of booze once in a while. It's all or nothing with this addiction, like every other addiction out there, you can't do a little or you wouldn't be an addict.

 

My experience here is you can't "give" yourself permission to look at P every so often and ever make progress, you have to go into it expecting that to be the last time ever. If not you are just limiting your potential.

The ugly truth is you are likely going to relapse. But you can't give your permission to do so or all you'll do is go though cycles of feeding the addiction and relapse more often.

You have to stretch your limits. not set them by thinking you can't do it.

I remember those first attempts at this very well. They are freaking tough. I just had to fight through it. Things got better at about day 10 or so. Once I got to day 14 a couple times getting back to 7 was a cake walk compared to before. This though is after single relapses, if I went on a month long relapse binge it starts all over.

It gets better man, keep fighting.

 

Congratulations on 58-days

 

I was thinking more of you this morning.

And thinking about those tough days early on and what worked for me and what didn't.

For me the process was full of trial and error. Eventually though with enough determination I started making progress that built upon itself.

I know what your are feeling is man how can I ever do 90 days. I am struggling to even do 7! And if I can't do 90 how can I ever do this forever? I unconsciously told myself this constantly. And it is a limiting belief. I thought looking at the whole picture was how I would eventually beat this thing.

The truth for me was I had to do the opposite. I had to look at the tiniest parts of my life and start working on them. Addiction is rooted in self loathing and low self esteem.

I had to start finding small things to address. Like taking care of myself on a basic level. This can be anything. But the common ones for me were to find something that needed fixing. Like organizing my room. Making my bed, cleaning up the bathroom. Sometimes even those tasks seemed to much. So I had to reduce myself down to just making the choice to not succumb period. And just take one more step pmo free. In those moments I might just say no. I'm going to go brush my teeth and floss without looking at PMO. Once I had done that, taking care of myself very very slowly became easier. Because I wasn't constantly on edge. By taking care of myself I felt better about myself in small ways and this reduced the self loathing that drove me to PMO.

Building this new life of meaning and fulfillment is currently what I'm still working on and I don't think it's a journey that is ever finished. It's what gives us something to look forward to.

I extremely struggled with anxiety and stress. Dealing with that has really helped. And it took a lot of time and effort to change my reactions to it.

Remind yourself in these tough times that you are not alone. And that you can overcome this if you decide you want to one step at a time.

 

Reformers Unanimous principle #4:
It is not possible to fight a fleshly appetite by indulging in it.

 

Good job on casting out that thought.
Don't expect your wife to be so supportive. She's not able to be your coach, therapist, or policewoman.

 

The more honest you are the easier it will be to build back trust. In the beginning she will not trust you, even when you tell the truth. However, if you stick with it, you’re honest, you can build back trust. Once she sees you working recovery, showing up for her, changing your behavior and being honest, she will begin to trust you. It takes 18 months to about 3 years. That’s if you do not relapse and lie. Just one lie will set her back to the beginning. A truly intimate relationship requires trust. You have not trusted her and now she no longer trusts you. It takes a lot of time and work but it can be done.

 

I think there's a delicate balance of true honesty and telling your wife about every single time you have the desire to act out. She's not going to want to hear about that all the time. It will smother her with bad emotions when she's already dealing with her own feelings through this time. I think maybe no news can be good news sometimes.

To be clear I'm not talking about hiding relapses or lying in any way. I'm talking about being dependent on your wife as your main outlet for your addiction issues. Let her enjoy the good aspects of your reboot process without burying her with all the struggle.

If you need support I suggest an AP. Who can be there for you in those weak moments. Or find a therapist or small group to talk to. Journaling here works good too.

Edit: keep this thread going. Express yourself here. It can really help. And people will try to help any way they can.

 

Really each couple should communicate what they want and their expectations. I don’t need to know every intrusive thought, but I do want to know if he’s struggling. Some women don’t want to know anything, it’s a “ you” problem and they just want you to take care of it. Others want to know everything, every time you looked at a woman or had a thought, or whatever ( exhausting if u ask me). Since she is affected by your addiction it is best for all involved if you are explicit about what she wants to know or not and what you’re willing share or not. She has the right to ask and know and you have the right to say what you’re willing to share.

 

I agree with this. It's best to ask though I think before dumping information when the SO isn't willing to receive it.

 

I stand by what I said though. I don't think it is a good idea to bury the SO with all this stuff. Make it abundantly clear that you are willing to talk about things she wants to know. But we need to man up and deal with our s*** too.

 

Dr John has really helped me. In more ways than P. This is one of the ones that I thought was good.

 

I agree, Running to confess every time you have a thought is going to be counter productive in the beginning. My husband knows that His addiction will always put me at risk, so if I ask for complete transparency, then I expect to get it. But every partner has a different expectation or boundary. This is why it’s imperative to talk to your partner. The further you get into recovery the easier it gets. The less she will distrust and the less she will feel the need to “ check”. But only if you’re honest. If you continue to lie, her gut will drive her crazy.

 

That's good man, you don't have to say any more than you want to.

It's a great way to stretch yourself emotionally though which for me has been a big part of this process. You'll become more comfortable in those awkward feeling moments and that reduces your need to cope with p.

 

So I still think considering someone else (like an AP) to use to work through the struggles is a good idea. You don't have to hide what you're going through on a daily basis from her at all. But I don't think it's a good idea to use your SO as a crutch.

This is that delicate balance I was talking about.

Also keep in mind your wife might be very uncomfortable about you talking to others about this. Sometimes the SO is just as afraid of this "getting out" as you. Because it's not something many people want to admit. That their partner is addicted to p and face the world's judgements of "why".

My wife has even expressed she doesn't like me being here. I think it scares her that I'm here posting and she thinks how can I learn anything from talking to anonymous people on the Internet who are also addicted. I think it makes her feel threatened. So keep that in mind.

What I've done is expressed the things I've learned here to her. What I've realized on my own. And been fully honest. Those have been the big healing moments I've experienced with her. I don't think it would have benefited the relationship at all if I was texting my wife every time I had an urge.