Saturday, 2024-03-16 7:45:18 PM So here I am again, probably for the thousandth time in life, give or take. I've been wrestling with a pornography addiction since 2004, and I'm back again in the hopes of eliminating it from life. I've failed to do so in the past, and if I'm being honest I don't see myself fully succeeding this time. Sure, that's not "positive thinking" so to speak, but it's hard to be optimistic (or naive, as I see it) after nearly twenty years of trying and failing to kick a bad habit. No doubt, people might believe that I haven't tried hard enough and give me advice I've probably already implemented. Others will suggest the usual memes that the NoFap forum has become infamous for, such as the 90-day reset or taking cold showers every morning. Some of these people might mean well, while others view recovery as a one-size-fits-all approach; if it works for one guy, then it works for everyone. For the sake of full disclosure, I hold no such opinions about recovery. I believe that recovery is a matter of each induvial person assessing their specific situation on a case-by-case basis. Important details such as mental health, physical limitations, gender, community access (friends, family, support groups, etc), religion and so on should be taken into account, in order to tailor-make a workable plan to help each person achieve their goals. In addition, I have no interest in keeping track of the days like some do, or resetting timers after a relapse. I'm not arguing against that practice for others, but I personally don't see the point of it. In my view, everyone has off days and moments of weakness, but that doesn't necessarily mean that their previous progress is automatically null and void in the face of failure. To me, that's just expecting perfection of people, which serves more to apply pressure to reach high standards set by someone else (i.e. the community). Maybe there are those who see that as a good thing, but I personally have not found such an attitude useful in my own journey to recovery. It all started back in 2004, when a porn pop-up suddenly appeared on my home computer while I was surfing the net by myself at home. I was in middle school then, I was initially surprised at what I saw, but after a day or two, curiosity took over, and a twenty-year long addiction had now begun. Like many men in my predicament, I've never been in a committed relationship; I've never been on an official date, never been kissed, never held hands with a woman or been physically intimate. I have no shame in this, though; I've never desired marriage or children, so relationships have no practical use for me. Besides, unlike before, I no longer believe that being in a relationship (or the desire for one) is a motivation to escape addiction. In fact, I once believed that the loneliness I experienced since childhood (I didn't have many friends growing up, and long periods where I had none at all) was a major contributing factor to my porn use, and that friendship and community, something I spent years with little access to, would reverse my dependence on porn. That theory turned out to be half-true; indeed, I used porn to cope with loneliness, as well as rejection from the opposite sex which I endured over the course of 18 years. However, I've now managed to make a few new friends and become a member of different communities in my city. However, that hasn't played much of a role in reducing my use of porn (although it has given me some motivation to quit). Anyway, here's my current plan: My plan is to block all my digital access to online pornography, delete any pornography I already own (all of which is digital), and then attempt to start a semi-digital detox to reduce the overall time spent in front of a screen. I've concluded that I not only have an addiction to porn, but I also have an addiction to the internet and digital devices as a whole. My goal is reduce the overall amount of time spent on them, while spending that time engaged in activities in the real world. So far, I've completely eliminated social media from my life, which has been a decade or so in the making; Facebook and Twitter were jettisoned years ago, and now I've since eliminated Reddit, Twitch (which I never really got into) and most recently YouTube. Meanwhile, I've never had an Instagram account, and have never used Tik Tok, Snapchat or any other newer platforms, nor do I have any intent to start doing so. I currently have a subscription with an app called Freedom, which has allowed me to block websites and apps on both my desktop and my phone. I have their "locked mode" enabled, which prevents me from disabling the app while a session is running. I've uninstalled all of my video games to ensure that I remain focused as my college semester comes to an end. Lastly, I intend to disable all the misc. apps on my phone once and for all. I tried this recently, but it didn't result in increased productivity as I had hoped. However, this was mainly due to my neglect of other areas of life, namely unregulated computer use. Soon it will be spring, and I intend to make the most of it. Instead of spending my free time glued to a screen, I plan to go out into the community and volunteer. I plan on either dedicating my time between volunteering with food banks (who always need the help where I live) and a variety of other charities or community functions. I grew up rather cloistered, so this will definitely be my chance to get out and experience the city I live in more, although technically I've already started doing that. That's pretty much what I'm planning for the foreseeable future. To the NoFap community: While I may not share many views and opinions widely shared on this forum, I am nonetheless open to suggestions. For example, I struggle with time management, and I would like ideas on how to increase my productivity without being a workaholic. I'm also always on the hunt for extra curricular activities as well, to replace my overall screen time.
Your plan sounds great, especially this part: It sounds like you're already a lot further along the curve of understanding and working towards improving the habit than many. Sustained re-wiring of what brings your brain happiness and joy seems like a great approach. You got this.
This is an update regarding my new routine, beginning today and moving forward for the foreseeable future: I use an app called Freedom to block websites and mobile/desktop applications that either tempt me to relapse or take away from my productivity. As a result, I've put together a new regiment to ensure that I can stay on track. First and foremost, I should provide some context: I started using VPN's back in 2018, with the explicit intent of overriding censors that blocked my access to adult content. Upon until a few minutes ago, I used Proton as my go-to, but I've deleted the account I had after cancelling the subscription I created a few years back (which was actually going to renew next Wednesday). As a college student and employed person, I wouldn't dare access any adult content outside my home without a VPN service, but I also only ever bring my laptop outside my apartment to download large files. That said, not having a VPN will be a huge burden off my shoulders. It helps keep me accountable by keeping my online activity out in the open; if I access any questionable material, it can be traced now and result in consequences. Furthermore, I also would take my laptop outside my apartment to download large files, such as video games, torrents or large videos/playlists. Had I done this at home, it would result in increased monthly bandwidth use, which in turn would in turn result in steeper internet bills. This is another good reason to keep my laptop at home, given that it's served as my primary go-to source for illicit content, and the storage thereof. I have Freedom sessions running for all the time that I'm usually active. I've blocked access to VPN sites to avoid subscribing to a competitor (although admittedly I don't quite have the money for that), and I've also blocked access to all social media. To ensure further temptations are avoided, I also blocked many websites locally, via the hosts file in my drivers folder: By using Freedom's option to block desktop apps, I blocked access to the Notepad application, which opens the hosts file. That way, I can't try to unblock websites on the fly, ensuring increased dedication. I'm not suggesting that this method if foolproof or that it will prevent failure, but it is a start.
This is incredible. Nice job. This should be a very strong series of deterrents. Worth setting anything similar up on mobile?
So I have Freedom set up at my work computer as well as on my phone. In fact, I plan to disable the apps on my phone (save talking and texting), and effectively reduce to pre-smart phone features, but I'm not quite there yet (I tried it once and it worked, but sometimes relatives would send me photos and my phone couldn't view them in that mode). Then again, Freedom would stop working if I did that.
I've given it some thought, and I've decided to seek out professional help as soon as my semester ends and my tax returns come in. I've found one or two locations in my city that deal with therapy for sex addicts, and they specifically mention porn as one of their areas of expertise. I'm also reading a book entitled "The Porn Trap," by Larry and Wendy Maltz. It's an older book (a lot has changed since then), but I truly believe that it's still highly relevant for my situation. However, even though X-rated sites are blocked on my devices, I'm still prone to masturbation. Admittedly, I don't engage as often as I would if porn was available. Nonetheless, I still need strategies to at best keep it to a minimum.
I've decided to uninstall Avast browser, as it appears to be able to circumvent my website blockers, both via Freedom and my local host file. Meanwhile, I'm now two weeks in, and I have to admit that I don't feel much change. Then again, two weeks isn't a long time at all, and with the mounting stress from catching up on schoolwork, my mind is too occupied for induldging in porn anyway. That being said, I need to pay SERIOUS attention to other areas of life that have been neglected, namely my poor time management and spending habits. Of course, that's beyond the scope of Nofap, but now that I'm feeling less tempted to access porn sites, I've decided to make it my priority to address these areas of my life.
Have you found some offline activities to do? Did you get around to volunteer or engaging with some more community? I noticed those were part of your plan, curious about if you have taken a step towards that.
I wish I could point you to one. My area of services usually come from helping at church. Some churches have great community outreach options that help people down in tough situations. So that may be a place to check. Some common service opportunities include food distribution at a non-profit food pantry, many churches have some they support or assist with. Other ideas: Community Centers might have a garden. Habitat for Humanity if you like building things. Goodwill. Community Concerts/Fine Arts.
I have actually. For starters, I've signed up to join a local food bank to help the less fortunate; the orientation is next week. I've also joined a writing group and have taken up photography as a hobby. At the moment, I want to take up a second language, but I'm unsure about which (I'm really leaning towards French, since it's incredibly useful in today's job market. I have other options, but they have more sentimental as opposed to practical value. With my photography, coupled by schoolwork and my job, I can stay away from the computer and thus from temptations (I never watch adult content on my phone, and I gave my tablet and external drives to ease the temptation).
Friday, March 19, 2024 One month, as of yesterday. It's been one month since I completely discarded all of my backed up adult materials, as well as the last time since I visited an adult site. Honestly, it feels like an eternity since then. Regardless, this is the third time in my life that I've reached 30 days without watching any pornographic material. It's also the longest time I've been without a VPN, which was an essential part of viewing and downloading adult materials. In fact, that was the only reason that I even started using VPNs in the first place. In all honesty, I never gave up masturbation, so some may consider that falling short, depending on their point of view. For me, I simply accept that as a natural part of life (some sex drives are more potent than others), but without the aid of adult materials, the frequency and time invested is significantly reduced. Meanwhile, I've come to understand my addiction a lot better during the past few months. For one, I've noticed that many men have reported struggling with femdom fetishes, and I think I understand why. It sounds like porn use tends to amplify one's sense of insecurity while nursing an inferiority complex, which addicts ironically act out through adult material in the hopes of numbing the pain. However, this is like treating the poison as the cure, as so many of us have learned the hard way. By using adult materials to numb our feelings of inferiority, we end up amplifying it, or at least that's what happened with me. As a result, I've decided to dedicate my time to improving my mindset; I'm not quite sure how to do so yet, but I do know that getting rid of adult materials is a huge first step. That said, things have been looking on the up and up for me, which means I have a lot to look forward to on a day-to-day basis. I've fallen in love with photography, and have travelled all over the city to photograph beautiful sites (landmarks, landscapes, etc). Just last week, I photographed two musical acts, and I plan to create an online portfolio via Squarespace before the month is up. Next week, I plan to begin volunteering at a local food bank among other things, so I have enough to keep me busy. Lastly, people often ask if one has experienced any benefits after being PMO-free for an extended length of time. To be honest, it's complicated; I would love to say I feel well-rested, but the recent wave of exams have drained me. Yet despite this, I find myself in a much better mood these days, even though I'm tired. My outlook on life tends to be more positive (despite being a generally cynical individual), and I tend to appreciate smaller things (though photography has certainly helped in this respect). P.S., I have every intention of remaining vigilant. My goal for the summer is to put extreme limits on my computer usage, in order to discourage any future slip-ups. This means adding extra blocks to my current schedule (both locally on my devices and third-party apps), while also introducing mandatory shutdown times on my computer. If I find that something is becoming too much of a distraction, then I hope to have the discipline to eliminate it.
Lots of good work from OP. deleting the "stash" is so very important. One thing I see here though, that I dont understand, is the "stay positive or not" thinking about recovery. At least for me, this has never been an issue (also battling 20 years of addiction). The reason is, it's not about how I "think" about it. PMO is trying to kill me. It's destroyed many of my relationships, my finances, and now it's killing my body (PIED, insomnia, etc). It's not about "will I succeed" or not - it's a fight of life and death. It's like escaping slavery, I either do it or I don't.
Well, it's finally happened; it's been a long time coming, but I've made it to a point that I've never made it before. This is the longest period of my life that I've ever been without porn since I discovered it back in 2004. On numerous occasions, I told myself that I would quit, but after a few days or a week I would slip right back into the habit again, only to feel guilty about it later on. Back in 2017, I made it for 30 days without porn for the very first time in my life. However, by day 30, I had relapsed again, mostly due to boredom. A year later, I tried to quit cold turkey again, but only lasted 22 days before relapsing. In fact, I was using a different Nofap forum back then, but I felt bored, depressed and extremely empty trying to quit, so I didn't see the point in continuing. Fast forward to 2023, I had quit everything (PMO) for 35 days, but after a few disappointments in life I relapsed to cope with my shame and embarrassment. However, fast-forward to the present, I've started to look back and wonder why I had failed so many times in the first place, as well as what changed this time around. After some contemplation, I've arrived at the following conclusions: 1. Life goals: Back in 2017, I was working at a minimum wage, dead-end job with no education or career prospects. Family had encouraged me to go back to school, but I had no idea what to pursue, no career plans, nothing. There was nothing motivating me to get out of bed and make something out of myself. Not only that, but I obviously you can't plan to achieve a goal if you don't have those goals to begin with. 2. Support group: Not only am I back in school and pursuing a career goal, but I also have friends and colleagues in this field who also have the exact same background that I'm trying to get into. They give me tips and guidance and help to motivate me to get out and improve my craft or knowledge. It didn't occur overnight, though; had I not taken initiative, those connections would have never occurred in the first place. I didn't really have any true friends before 2018; I had moved to a new city and didn't really know anyone. 3. Getting and staying offline: Ever since I took a liking to photography, I've been out photographing my city, as opposed to staying on the computer (specifically the internet) and thus closer to temptation. In fact, I also decided to get rid of my VPN, which forces me to be more accountable regarding my online activity. After 2018, I would never attempt to access an adult site without a VPN; it was certainly an adjustment that I had to make. Meanwhile, I spend most of my time offline, going out and photographing events and scenery and staying off of the internet and away from home. That has helped exponentially in the long run. When I'm not at work or photographing, I'm usually at the local food bank helping out, or I'm volunteering with other groups in the city. It's very rewarding work, even if it's unpaid. Over time, I have seen some more benefits, now that porn is out of my life. I no longer feel like I have skeletons in my closet, forcing me to hide a certain side of myself. I now have a lot more free time, so I can now make time for things that I wouldn't have considered or made time for before. As stated above, I'm getting a degree in school, I have new friends I didn't have before and I've gotten to experience more of my city than ever before. I hardly ever use my phone, and I've pretty much eliminated social media from my life. In fairness, I still use YouTube, but mainly for tutorials related to photography these days. Speaking of internet, I don't even feel tempted to visit sites that I would normally have to block on my computer (I'm not even talking about porn either; just general distractions). In the past, I would waste hours on mindless YouTube content, ranging from political talking heads to other useless junk. Not so anymore, and you have no idea how little I miss that stuff. I don't even feel as though I'm missing out, either; I just don't care anymore. Now that porn has been out of my life and my routine, I've also decided to focus on other areas of life that got neglected. For one, I need to get back into the gym; my goal is increase my stamina so that I feel less tired and sluggish throughout the day. Second, I want to improve my overall time management (I have so much on my plate, but I have caught up on a lot of it). Finally, getting on top of personal research is another big thing; it's just finding the time to do so. Well, that's pretty much it from me. I wish everyone else the best on their own journeys.
