Nofap storie and develop relationship with cam model

Hi.

i’m new in here, but have been using this forum for advice on my long time nofap and SR journey.

my story:

I developed a porn addiction years ago after an event where i was witnessed “what I will call” extremely mistreated by the society and everyone’s around me.

I was trying to fight for this little girl who was the victim in the case.

my fight left me without nothing lost my home, health (was in insane shape before) developed an eating disorder, got an very unusually personal disorder etc.

For many years I was hated by Many because I got in conflict with the society “police, municipality
psychiatry gun office etc” I also got in conflict with the biggest gangs an conflict that lasted for 7 years.

At the moment’s am only in conflict with the police but I guess I soon will be in conflict with the municipality again because I have refused to
search a job and have an address because the aggression from the police “ I have no criminal record therefore I refuse” so they are talking about canceling my social payment.

I live a live outside the matrix on low service tax in an expensive country what not exactly is easy.

Last year I decided I would do everything to start a new life in another country with “start from this year” it’s getting to hard for me living like this (it’s 7 years now)

my only option is to fix everything I own an sell it. I wouldn’t say it’s going like planned, but I’m working as hard I can to make it happen. (All I have is pretty old and need maintained)

Im pretty blank and empty inside after all the shit I’m have been going to and my diagnosis back it op. The good thing is that my health mentally and physically is in top. One of my big problems is that I don’t search for relationships ether intimacy or friendship. I’m a pretty handsome guy (masculine fit, well dresses ect. Semi well know to be a hard dude) so many girls search contact to me but I will do nothing. It’s doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship I’m just to destroyed to find any interest.

Before the war I was living in Ukrainian for some months on an off it was a very nice experience for me and also well price for a person for me with a low income. I really feel like “some kind off the old me” “no hate only want to do good for other people again” I started to look op apartments there and then the invasion started “I was shocked” after that I was planing a road trip to hungry and Romania which failed because my car broke down. Now the winter was coming and I was laying in my tent “back to the beginning” “beck to when all started.” Instead of doing the same like last time watching porn I was here I decided to fix everything. The good thing about my earlier experience was that I was studying the Bible pretty heavily and earlier this year I felt over a video about semen retention and been a chosen one. I saw a video “ 10 signs you are a chosen one” that really made sense for me.

In the mean time I was pretty lucky to find and Airbnb for rent longer time “pretty shitty and cold” but god time time to fix my car a pretty lovely road. On day I was watching a side “most popular website” and saw this cam side on the very top off the list. I always have been thinking that this sites was the ultimate side off sadness and loneliness “girls in rooms and lovely guys effortlessly spending all there money for some time off gratification”

I visited the site and instantly saw this girl dancing around in a room “totally my type” not enough with that the design off the room was so ridiculous close to the design I have chose for my “probably” biggest project. They have a great offer on the site. So I was thinking why not. Me not understanding the site looking for the girl for days without finding her, tried another private with a girl “sweet nice god actor” fun experience but not a turn on for me. Leaved the site behind for some time. I again started visiting the site and was just chatting with the girls “like a freeloader. “With big success” Lots of things started to happens it’s was beginning to be a game for me. Probably been pretty well known still not understanding how the site work fully “because I was just using free chat” so this beautiful girl “like describe” several times just dancing around without never answers my approach. On day before going to the workshop “for my car fix” I was on my small smartphone “atom” looking around in the morning nothing good to work with i was scrolling all to the top and just push on the screen and saw that it’s was her. I was thinking arg not here she never answered, but change my mind and said hey. She answered and was very nice and gave me so much to work with in the end she god an orgasme. “After that there was not a single model from her country who not have heard about me and many users also knew me” she asked me to come back but for some reason I didn’t. After 5 days I started to feel sad like I have hurt somebody. “This chosen one’s channel have a lot about soul ties but have never put anything into I because I never felt connected to a girl”. My “small” relationship was at the moment better than never before so I “at first didn’t understood” the feeling. I started to think about its most be her . I found out by other models that’s something was wrong. “They changed behavior for me to a more seduce way to act and was appealing to I have some personal problems to solve” also I got my new name first part off my username + with no money. Within three days I got a very sad feeling an saw she wasn’t going online anymore I also find out she was at the very top off the top 50 list. I spend a small amount on credit to write her. I definitely write her in a wrong way “a way she most have felt played” days was going when she wasn’t going online, she also felt down by the list. I have installed the ap on my Ukrainian phone so I could se when she wil go online. A Sunday I couldn’t take to think about it more “have the worst’s feeling ever” she answers “very professionally like expected seeming in the Light off my text to her. She also have put a video out on her profile that it’s have been a while so she needed some **** to **** then she got cold again this time for longere. I felt sad again she was falling down the list and my messages to her was not quit good. I write her that I was scared that she was not well and it’s was because off me. She was writing back immediately a very long personality message, that she was fine just moving and stuff. We write a lot back and forth. We was talking about me been running this day, and I commented on her shape one hours later she sent me a pic in nice clothes dress op and ask what I think. I didn’t comment directly on her look. We was speaking on her to start cam again. She realized that I never would go private chat. I actually like her but have to put the relationship to an end. She started cramming again I know from others it’s was not going well but when she told me that it’s did i saw my opportunity to leave. I left her a pic with me holding my AR-rifle when the company had enabled the cancel button with a text about my opinion about fapping in front of an screen and my account was canceled.

For nine months she was hunting me in my every day life. In my dreams in my thoughts. Every time this happened I would go to the site see she have been on her account. One day I look op on her account and it’s have changed it’s status have change and have a sound like it’s was about to been taking down or something. A couple off days later she have uploaded “old pic” off her.

after that I didn’t got the feeling of her any more.

a couple off months later I got the feeling off checking op on her an saw she was in private “pretty surprised” when she was online again I refreshed the page. There she was extremely beautiful more feminine looking. I find out that I could write to the models without an account and write her like I use to and she was typing something like she was opening her user account or something and before she was going private she flips her hair with bothher Hands with a very exiting look on her face. Then she immediately was going offline about one minute later she was online again with the back agains the camera putting lipgloss on. I write her ”nice move” with she was glad to hear with shining eyes and her smilie going all the way op.

My question to my beloved nofap sisters and brothers would be if it would be okay to make a move or should i just leave her behind? I can get an account with a decent credit balance on for a very affordable price then I can make a message with a buffer address attached with my number within, then delete the account.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

i’m working on that already but yes when time will be for it I will off course taking new steps to fulfill my goals. With of without an “partner”