I believe my partner may be a porn and/or sexual behavior addict. My partner does not want me to speak to anyone about the "kinks." I have been trying to be supportive and open minded. I think I'm reaching my limits. How do you know if it's addiction vs a more experiential end of a sexual spectrum?
Do you know if they are watching porn regularly? Since there is no official diagnosis for the addiction, from what I have read in studies about it, it is generally someone who engages in that activity 3 or more times per week. This could vary per person, however. They also can go through down times where they are only watching it sometimes either because they become busy or they notice they have a problem and try to cut back or quit on their own. If you feel they fall into these guidelines, they could very well be a porn addict. My husband used to watch it every morning. However, he would go through times where he was only watching it a few times a month for various reasons. He was still an addict even so. I think that would be the determining factor as far as figuring out if they are a porn addict. A sex addict does generally start with porn, from what I've read (on here and in case studies). Most people go through their experimental stages during their teen years. This is also difficult to pin down to just those years because if they were not able to act out in experimentation as teens, it becomes repressed and later resurfaces in the adult years. This could also lead to a whole bunch of other issues which I won't get into on here. You mention that you're reaching your limits. Are you saying you're no longer comfortable with his kinks or with acting out of them in some form? No matter how much you love and cherish a person, you should never do anything, especially sexual, that makes you feel uncomfortable, ashamed, etc. Your partner may have fantasies about things, but that in no way obligates you to be the outlet for them. If you feel as though by telling them you're not comfortable or that you have reached your limits would make them angry or cause them to act out by engaging in these practices with someone else, this could very well indicate that you're dealing with an addict.
If he is a porn addict, you can observe things which will give it away: If he does want to be alone, even for a little time, with his computer or phone. If he has sexual problems, it has a lost of chance those are caused by excessive use of porn and masturbation. Or to be very honest here, you can just ask him if he uses porn. If he lies, then I'm sure you can find that out, it is easy to find when someone is lying, and even more so one who is addicted to pmo, trust me... Just ask him and try to help him, show him that porn is very harmful for him.
Thank you both for this insight. We met in June of last year and the "kinks" have progressed rapidly. At first I thought it was the more extreme end of the spectrum, but it's progressed what feels like far/fast to me in the 9 months since. He absolutely watches porn. I'm not sure how much, but I would expect daily. If not others, videos he requests from me. But I am being asked to make fetish videos that I'd never heard of until he asked. Again at first, though new to me and more extreme than I'd known, I didn't think too much of it. But toys are purchased frequently. Large toys for many purposes and fairly intense and I'm not interested in them. I'm not pressured to use the toys, but he uses them by himself. When?? What is tipping me over the edge is clothing. He is now wearing women's clothing as a sexual fetish. It started with my panties, but now it's dresses, hosiery, high heels, wigs. He says he never did it before. He never wanted to before and that it started about 4-5 months into our relationship. I'm trying to be kind and open minded. I genuinely love him and there are MANY good things about the relationship. This just isn't my preference. I'd like my man to wear men's clothes. As I've tried to think through how I feel about it, he's been very defensive. He is definitely expressing shame.
You're only 9 months in. Time to say "this ain't my jam. If this is your jam, then you need to find someone else." He'll either get his shit together or call it quits, either way you win.
While I fear you're right, I am very disappointed and distraught over the good things. We were both married before. We both have children. Before this information was shared, by about 6 months in, we'd met each other's children. My kids love him. Like really love him and love having him in our lives. I asked him to get help - for discernment. I found out about this site and asked him to come here because he's been incredibly clear he's terrified of anyone knowing. He won't do it. Says he "doesn't have a mental disorder" which I didn't accuse him of directly. Says he's "at peace with it". But anytime I try to talk about it, ask questions, or set limits, he shuts down. Says he's "wrong" "fd-up" and then apologizes for putting me through this. I think he does have anxiety/depression. I don't know if he's a "transvestite" or not or really just a sexual turn on or what? It's not my preference, but I'm not judgemental either, if that makes any sense. I'm not convinced he's a transvestite, but if he were, even if he were then not right for me, i love him enough to support him through discernment. And if this were addiction, I love him enough to support him through recovery, but he won't get help. Either way, I've been through addiction with my ex, so no matter how many years I've worked at my own codependency, I seem to have a beacon light "Addicts, come hither" and I'm just so frustrated. I was trying so hard to be careful, accept only what came to me vs chase, etc., but feeling like I may have blown it and exposed my kids to disappointment. I'm NOT a serial dater. This is the first man I found worthy to introduce my kids to. He has a fabulous job. He had a long-term prior marriage so shows ability to commit. Seemed to want to learn from his prior marital mistakes. Has two great kids and he's devoted to them and involved. This is SUCH a shock. It's not what I imagined, but he says it wouldn't be all the time, but something in me doesn't trust that. I don't know if it's intuition/gut, or prior trauma from my own long marriage to a functional alcoholic. I'm confused, frustrated, scared of making a mistake - whether that's committing to this man, or not giving him a chance. I'm listening. I'm here for a reason. Any further insight anyone can share regarding the rest of my story is most appreciated.
From what I've seen from a lot of addicts on here is if he is addicted to porn, he watches it everyday, then this is a manifestation of the escalation of that. This addiction follows the same progression as others, where there is a tolerance that is built and they have to watch/do more extreme things in order to maintain that same level of dopamine they were getting in the beginning. Unless this is something he has always done, this could very well be porn induced. He could be dressing that way and wanting all the kinks because that is how he gets his dopamine now. There have been several guys on here that have discussed these things about themselves if you ever want to read about it. You can generally find the threads in the porn addiction forum area. They realized their kinks and cross dressing was because of porn, and once they abstained and their brains were able to rewire to real life stimuli, they were not interested in the stuff anymore. It sounds like it will be difficult for you because he is closed off about it. There is a book called "Your brain on porn" by Gary Wilson that you can get for him since he doesn't want to go anywhere and talk to anyone about this. That could help open his eyes a bit, of that makes sense?
You have just said exactly my thought. Whatever the reason he began watching porn - certainly before me - this is the next step. It's exactly what I think. He supposedly moved everything to a boxes (like 5-7 boxes of clothing and toys) to his barn when I told him Sunday that I was reaching my limits. I left town Tuesday for the holiday. He was going to think about things and forge a new path forward. He made it 2 days, went back for the clothing and felt "at peace" and I thought, "That sounds like a fix. That's why you're at peace." I just didn't say it aloud. This is awful. If I stay with him, I'm going to end up divorced again, right?
I think that is a question only you can answer for yourself. This is a life long addiction with a small recovery rate. Even though they abstain from pornography, it takes a long time to rewire the brain and they are still susceptible to triggers. In a way, this is one of the worst addictions because of how easy it is to access it. A lot of us SO's on here are still with our partners and some of us actively help them to overcome problems. It is exhausting at times. Each couple is different with what they do to help or not help. It will take a huge reflection on your part on what it is you're wanting from a relationship and if you feel he is able to provide it though. You're still in the beginning of the relationship so you have a bit more freedom than if you would years later, after kids and other financial obligations. I would have left my husband after I found out about his addiction, but circumstances were against me giving me no choice but to stay.
To me it's not the kink. People have kinks and that's ok. Crossdressing, S&M, whatever. It's the not being able to respect your boundaries. It sounds like he needs help. You have kids and put them first. If he is spiraling, you can try and help, you can try and be patient, but you do not have to go down with him
I think this is very telling of where he stands, and it shows that his commitment (right now at least) is to his addiction, not your relationship. Yes, it's intuition. Please trust it! So often we ignore what our gut is telling us because we don't want to believe these painful truths, but that's exactly what intuition is supposed to do...protect us from being hurt. Many addicts are fantastic people, great dads, amazing friends, dedicated employees, etc...awesome people except that one little thing, their addiction. But, that one thing is actually huge, especially in their marriage/relationship. I've been married to a PA for 25+ years, but I had no idea about his addiction in the beginning. Fortunately, though, you do know now so proceed with caution. The road to recovery is long and bumpy even in the best of circumstances. However, he has to actually want it and be willing to do the work for it to ever happen, and I don't think he's there right now. I'm not saying you should stay or go. That's up to you. But, please don't ignore your gut. Our intuition is almost never wrong.
Just one last thing. Just because he looks at porn and has gender issues doesn't make him an addict. could be a very different issue
I say run as fast as you can. He doesn't see a problem. He doesn't care if you do. He is going to do what he wants. You and your children are worth way more than that. Boy, bye.
I thank you all. I am listening. I'm still sitting on the ledge, but I AM listenimg. And yes, don't know if it's gender or addiction. I don't think he knows either, and seems we should be old enough to have figured that out by now?? Upper 40s.... I don't perceive sexual problems with me. If anything, that is improved without any presence of toys, clothes, or anything I can see but getting to know each other better. I think he has OCD and an antidepressant might answer a lot of questions and that might be an easier boundary to set, but it's also accurate that he's thoroughly closed to "help" of any sort in this moment which my gut tells me is the most important boundary of all. This world is too big, gray, and hard to get through without help. I'm glad I am here even if I'm still not entirely sure of the next steps.
I think he's definitely addicted especially if I relate it to my experience. I would recommend he join a group. I was becoming obsessed with the same stuff when I was watching every day/multiple times a day. As I quit being an every day/multiple times a day user to become a 4-5 times a month user the escalation of needing to get off with whatever my brain found more and more taboo went down. I think what's so appealing about things like dressing in women's clothes and toys and kinks is that it's ultimately about getting high and there's nothing quite like whatever our brain finds taboo that gets us high. Just like drug addicts to reach former highs we need more to feel the same high and ultimately ends up escalating. It sounds like he's in a really bad cycle right now. I would encourage him lovingly to stop, don't feed the addiction. He probably needs a 30-90 day hard mode/monk mode reboot.
Who knows. Maybe this guy is actually into crossdressing. I would say that he should do 90 days and if the desire to crossdress does not lessen, he might have a real fetish for it.
