Introducing myself, my story, and the plan.

!!Trigger warning (some explicit words)!!

I am 21 and have been watching porn since I got my first laptop at age 12, I remember my very first download from Limewire being a woman with a lot of similarities to the singer Pink, handing two guys very well indeed, I remember having a hard time differentiating between where the pussy ended and the asshole started, having this Pink lookalike taking it hardcore in the ass... yeah, my first vid, at age 12...

Years go by aged, 13, 14, 15 casually watching the same sort of porn, lesbians, teachers, milfs.. I found myself, searching for something else, something more, Roaming the categories until my brain went 'jackpot' with a dopamine response to the idea the category inspired in my mind. I started being sexually active in real life at around 15/16 so this distracted me a little but the porn use continued, I didn't see much of a problem until it was time for actual sex, I couldn't get hard whatsoever on the sight, or anticipation of going inside my gf, adding that to it being my first time, the anxiety and pressure of performing, once I realised it wasn't going up it was a downward spiral from there. The relationship did not last long after that, my first break up, a year gone to waste. It took me a year to get over that pathetic excuse for a relationship and I only know now I kept self medicating with porn... I kept upping and upping the extremity, when the previous stuff stopped giving me that kick. I am a heterosexual guy, but my need for an extra kick, my addiction to this dopamine response got so out of control I stumbled onto a gay porn page, as everyone will have done, but at that moment I stayed on the page, getting hard without touching, as I found a new extreme extreme kick, how wrong I perceived it was arousing, so I found a new spectrum of porn, gay and transexual, even though alone to myself the thought of being with another man or trans woman churned my stomach, felt like a violation of who I was as a person. So, without conscious thought on what I was doing I kept on wanking over trans, gay, and straight hardcore porn, it was what I needed to get me going as I was also addicted to masturbating.

I was addicted to masturbating to the point I would ruin nights planned for sex with a girl by having 3-4 faps during that day, not getting hard or getting limp dick and having no other excuse but the fact I already 'came' lots that day.

At 16/17 I had problems getting hard from performance anxiety and PIED.

At 18, I was cumming in 2 minutes, after struggling and pumping it to get hard for 15 minutes, before sex, this wasn't acceptable for me. I discovered YourBrainOnPorn, realized what my problem was, and I quit masturbation, and porn, for like 17 days, I remember getting my morning wood back, and my dick being responsive with my girl whenever I wanted, and didn't look back. However I relapsed as you do at 19, after a heavy breakup, harsh harsh mindwarping confusing rejection (Get showered with gifts, welcomed into their family, plan holidays, then weeks later it's over for ever and months later they're with someone else) This killed me, I lost who I was, no sense of self-belief in attracting another worthwhile girl, I went back to all the hardcore porn, funny though for a few weeks I felt fine with my excessive masturbation, I thought I was getting away with it, Then one morning walking into work I noticed this foreign emotion I got rid of years ago, and that was social anxiety, and worrying what people are thinking of me all the time and I knew that was a side effect of my relapsed heavy porn use, but continued anyway, the downward spiral began.

I didn't think I could go higher than trans/gay porn included in my selection, but I went further. The trans, gay stuff even got old, Interest in any normal straight, bi, gay or trans porn was no more. I ended up watching female domination on men, imaging it was me, licking feet and getting off on being called a bitch, even strap on domination videos. This stuff I was watching i'd never even consider an option if I wasn't an addict to this and in a normal relationship living a normal life... the dominatrix bondage videos was the ultimate, ULTIMATE fix of dopamine I could find, getting off on violating myself, getting off on how guilty I was going to feel for days after what I just watched, getting off on being a little bitch and what everyone would think of me if they knew what I was doing... The stepped it up even further, by watching brainwashing female jerk off instruction videos, the humiliation kind, only getting hard at being told what a pathetic loser I was and that I wasn't worthy of any girl and couldn't satisfy anyone. I knew this wasn't true but it got me off all the more anyway.

I'm now 21, incredibly lonely, depressed, I know I'm socially capable, and can and have attracted girls before, but I've lost that ability right now. I do have legit real life circumstances that can cause depression which I am going to seek help of a therapist for, but I believe the main cause of my default state to be the life sucking, mind ruining garbage what is PORN.

I believe I have fully woken up, I've been addicted to all this bullshit, and my life has suffered tremendously even though I never had to quit a job or anything to keep my porn addiction satisfied. I'm 21, no interest in pulling girls like I used to, no drive to do it. I'm not fat but i'm out of shape, and my wardrobe isn't that great.

I am now striving to improve my life and to eliminate my addictions.

Porn.
Masturbation.
Fast-Food.
Sugar.

I am beginning the 90 day reboot, no porn, masturbation, or orgasms. If I quit the full 4 at once, it will most likely be biting off more than I could chew, my brain would be a complete and utter ghost town for dopamine and I would probably be suicidal with the withdrawals from sugar especially, so I'm going to fully focus on no porn, masturbation, or any fantasy imagination for the 90 days. I know from my last reboot attempt of 17 days, the spectrum for what turned me on began to return, normal natural women was like heaven...

Symptoms I am currently experiencing are:
No libido for real sex, or desire to meet a girl.
Daily need for joi instruction, or masturbating to my mental fantasies.
Depression
Anxiety
Lonliness
Low default state mood
Porn induced E.D
Premature Ejactulation

Many would say, i'm fucked!

I do have hope, I know I need to change, I know i'm not a loser, I know I can get better and back to who I was, or a completely new better version of who I was.

I permit to myself, that orgasms are only allowed with a warm-blooded actual human girl, which means I have to get off my ass and make sure I pull one.

I'm going to keep a journal, and record my progress, and setbacks.

If you've read this whole thing I appreciate your time, thank you. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post.

Goodluck to everyone starting or currently on this journey.

I am also going to practice other forms of discipline like exercise every other day and to follow a daily routine.

In my experience, it fucking works (got morning wood back in 17 days and didn't need to touch my dick to get hard with a girl) so here it goes! (again)

 

hahahah, had to go over your message twice to realize your reference, made me laugh

 

Thank you, it feels great to be in such a positive supportive community to deal with these issues. I'm happy I found this place...

 

Thanks man, I appreciate it. Good luck to you too, i'll follow you, we are more or less at the same stage, drop in whenever if you like, be able to message someone whos at the exact stage you are throughout the 90 days...

peace..