I’m 33 years old, I’m married to a wonderful woman of 30 years old. I have struggled with porn my whole life and have bizarre kinks because of it that CANNOT be roleplayed In real life. The details of that do not matter. What matters is that I cannot stop. I have blockers on everything, and she has all the codes. My wife is so loving and sweet and is forgiving to it. We have not had sex in so long and we are both sexually frustrated. All this because of porn. I do not even know how to be intimate with her sexually. I have become so unmotivated, lazy and stressed that I’m afraid that I’m going to die of heart disease from just stress and poor diet. I do not know if have have terrible ADHD but I have 0 willpower. I give in when I see a window. I feel like a terrible terrible person for just doing all this and being a slave to lust and not lusting after her… it is so painful that I am emotionally numb and have grown more angry at myself and my world. I know she even feels it when I masturbate too. Like she is so finely tuned into me and my aura that she knows the slightest difference in my energy. When I release all that tension, she knows. Even if I cover it up like a genius covert special ops, she can immediately know that I masturbated. She can read my energy like a book. I hate doing it… it makes me feel so low when I do it. I’m afraid the more I do it, the more one day I will make it harder on myself to see the purity that is the sanctity of our marriage. I feel like I violate that every single time I desire someone else that isn’t here, even if it’s just a video, image, or AI chat bot. The one thing that keeps me going is just the feeling she gives me. Like beyond my lusty primal indulgences that I have not disciplined, BEYOND that I feel something very deep and interconnected with her. We are silly and goofy and we do love each other in so many ways. It’s just SOOO hard to get rid of this fetish. Even psychedelics do not even fully cure it. Porn is something you have to climb out of hell to get out of, you have to pry your fingers into the molten rock and climb. I’m not even sure if it can be done. I have no idea what to do. I think I need to turn to God. I don’t even know how to do that… I feel so indecisive and hopeless, all I do is say sorry sorry and apologize ALLL the time, look at my user name, that’s how low I’ve sunk. I need help but it’s so hard to find a therapist who can help me. Money and time is an issue on top of finding the right one. We have Regain a couples counseling app that will help us with marriage. I refuse to give up on our marriage. She knows everything about all of this and still accepts me. She doesnt beg me for sex, but it is yearned. I feel it.
I have only ever gotten to 3 weeks without it. But that was one time and never made it since then. 1 week is usually where it starts to become super duper overwhelming for me to control. I give up all my morals and boundaries are right out the door. When my libido is rally really high I start to look for loopholes through the porn blockers. I’m thinking of just trying to eliminate the internet browser on my phone since that has more vulnerabilities. The computer is pretty tight and secure and a lot harder to exploit. The way I want it is if I need to use the internet, I have to have her help me.
Hi, I am new here as well, and I can say that for me this is the right place to be. In reading other people’s journals and introductions I knew immediately that I wasn’t alone in my feelings and experiences. I too have a wonderful wife that has stuck with me through some truly trying experiences. At one point I was so un-intimate with her when she wanted sex I would refuse and then proceed to masturbate right next to her. Porn and that quick chemical fix was all I wanted. Asking God to help is a big reason I'm here as well. You mention that you feel like all you do is apologize. That is exactly what I did for years. I'd pray for forgiveness of my sins everyday for the PMO that I indulged in. It seemed like it was just routine and I was getting nowhere with it. I'd pray at night before bed asking for forgiveness and then the next day I'd be back on the net looking for my next fix. I never gave up praying though and my prayers were answered through various signs. I started searching for bible verses relating to porn and sex addiction. I started going to bible studies through a fantastic church I found. The hardest part of that was being with people studying the Bible all the while keeping my addiction secret. Porn/sex addiction is embarrassing and I was embarrassed, but I continued going. Over time my understanding of how God works led me to accept that I needed to be the one to let God in. The more I did that the more I felt the power to start taking control. Did I stop PMO cold turkey after that? Not at all, but over the last three weeks I have sought out professional help with a counselor and during some reading research was led to this forum. I give God thanks for all of this. I hope this helps you know you are not alone in your feelings.
Turn to god brother best thing u can do , I too and my lady been struggling same thing haven’t had sex in A while cause this addiction all can really do is stay in prayer for A better outcome and turn to A healthier habit like eat healthy if your concern about your health fruits n juices smoothies really helps you’ll thank me later if u try
Welcome to this site. Glad you have taken an action step by coming here, and being vulnerable to share your story. Know that you are not alone, that many of us guys whose behaviors have hurt our wives, have come here and gained traction to work on our problem and improve our relationship. I know right now you can’t see over the horizon, but you will. Persistence will get you there, no matter how many stumbles along the way. We must take a “no matter what it takes” attitude to do this for our marriage. If the phone is your primary nemesis, get a ‘dumb’ phone or at least disable the browser/internet access from your current one. And encourage you to get in therapy. It doesn’t have to be the perfect all-star therapist to start, you can always change later if you don’t fully click with the first one, but start the process. You might want to think about a support group which can be extremely helpful. I joined a weekly NoFap support group (cost involved) and a SAA group (no cost and can choose to contribute). Found an SAA group specific for married men with SSA, which is my particular issue. Lots of groups out there, both in-person and lots of online groups too. It is incredibly helpful to receive that support, connection and build community with guys who know the journey and will support you and not judge. It is always darkest before dawn. Your dawn is coming, I hope you can see the flickers of light on the horizon.
