Hi, this is my first time posting here. I didn't know where else to go. I feel so ashamed and I can't talk to my friends or family about my situation. I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 4. At the beginning of our relationship, I was clear about my feelings regarding porn. My ex used to use porn to get aroused before we had sex and would say things like "you should do your hair like that" or "you know if you worked out, you could get a body like that". Over time, the comments got more and more degrading until I couldn't take it and left. Fast forward and here I am with my now husband. He was working one day after we had moved in together and I needed to use the computer. There was a folder labeled "school work" that I happened to notice. Strange as he hadn't been in school in a couple years and it was a fairly new computer. Out of curiosity, I opened it and there were about ten porn videos saved. I couldn't believe it! After we had had an honest conversation and agreed that porn didn't have a place in our relationship, here it was. I confronted him, he deleted it, I was hurt, but we moved on. A couple of years later, I just had this gut feeling something was off. Despite all that had happened to me in the past, I was not usually one to snoop but like an idiot I checked his browser history. More porn again. This time I went through the roof. I yelled and screamed and was hurt to the point of being mean to him. Why would he do this again? What did they have that I didn't? Was I that disgusting? Years went by again and my husband was wonderful and good to his word. We got married and six months ago welcomed our beautiful son. Other than summer postpartum body image issues, life was good. I was working from home last week while my husband watched our baby. He told me he wanted to mow the lawn and was waiting for the baby to go down even though he didn't seem too tired yet and it was almost time for him to eat. I told him to go ahead and that I was on break in a few and could watch the baby. About 15 minutes into my break, it was time for the baby to eat. My husband came in when I had just gotten the bottle ready and said he was going upstairs to rinse off. After the bottle, my son went right to sleep so I put him down and tiptoed upstairs to let husband know to be quiet when he came down. He was sitting on the toilet masturbating to porn on his phone. I froze. He immediately began to try to justify what was happening as he was scrambling to close the browser. I turned around and walked out of the room. I felt so sick. So disgusting. Did he hate my body so much more now because of all the changes I've been struggling with? I can never live up to the girls he watches. I went between depression and rage for the next few days finding true happiness only when dealing with my son. I made my husband answer every question I had. I yelled. I cried. He apologized but I told him it's not enough. He has made an appointment to talk to a psychologist because I still love him and want this to work. He's an amazing father and my best friend. I just feel like I'm alone on a cliff. I can't talk to my friends and family. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I hate how I look and I hate that now I feel like I need to check up on my husband all the time. I hate feeling this insecure in my own skin and like I can't be what he's looking for. But what I hate most of all right now is that I can't trust him right now or believe him if he tells me I'm beautiful and the only one that matters. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I just needed to tell somebody.
I haven't been married before but I do know that when I was in relationships, I rarely even logged online, my focus was my partner. Even when I'm with family, I'm hardly online. As a woman on the outside, it seems like he's being double-minded. He's there with you but he's also interested in watching others have sex and he's turned on seeing others have sex. Then question then leads to why does he need to watch porn if you and him are together. His focus should be you as his partner. I know men and women are different but the online realm is really for those of us with not much of a life. Whenever I'm in a relationship, most of my online activity ceases because I have a partner that I spend time on (whether together, or talking on the phone, etc. ). If he has you, there should be no need for him to watch porn. I would say to be careful. He's doing one thing around you and then something else when he gets some time away from you.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. The issue is not with you, it is with him. It's an addiction just like alcohol or drugs. I think it's good that he is going to seek help. Maybe an additional step is adding porn blocking software to the computers so that he can not access porn and if tries then you will know. Not sure if there is anything like that for a phone.
You should start exercising. You making an effort to be more attractive to him should act as a pressure for him to reciprocate and make an effort for you as well. For now, it may be worthwhile to have him do the cookie cutter hard reboot. Ideally you run these concurrently. You should be exercising anyway for overall health, as should he.
Hi Thisgirl, that's rough, sorry to hear you're going through this. A few points: - I know this doesn't make it right but it's an extremely common problem and you are far from alone. -It's not you, it's him. The onus is on HIM to get over PMO, not on you to try to alter your body or fitness level, though doing so could help you both and is never a bad thing. -The fact that you caught him in the act could be good and the start of a marvellous journey culminating in something resembling true love, so there's a silver lining to this. -He must want to change. It can't come from you. Yes he's seeing psych but where is that coming from? What's the underlying motive? Even so, on the balance it's probably good that he's doing that. - Consider encouraging him to create an account on here. There are plenty of married men on here who have and are grappling with PMO use, myself included. He can make connections here and journey alongside many other men who are in the same boat as him, and some who can inspire him since they're much further along in the journey. Asides from the moral support, he can learn a lot about mindset and practical strategies. - right now you're very hurt and rightly so, but it would be more liberating for you and more beneficial to try to genuinely understand why he's PMOing without judgment or blame of either yourself or him. Just seek to understand it. It's a comlex ball of yarn to try to untangle so it's going to take a lot of courage, patience and compassion on your part and hopefully he will open up. -Give him time. He may be able to quit cold turkey but it's not that likely so don't have that expectation. Depending on how intense or how long he's been PMOing for, he may have a lifetime of this habit behind him that he has to break away from. That's no easy feat. -don't check up on him all the time. That's extremely suffocating for him and it will be exhausting for you. Again, this is going to be an up and down journey so don't have the unreaslitic notion he's going to be a straight arrow all of a sudden. Doesn't work that way. He's going to need some breathing room to figure this out. - At the same time, your involvement is necessary, so striking that balance between involvement and breathing room is crucial.
@Thisgirl, you might want to join the sos group. This is his problem. It is not for you to fix, as that’s impossible. It sounds like he is a sex addict( porn addiction). This has nothing to do with you or how you look. No amount of exercise will make him stop pmo. Exercise may however make you feel better. He will not stop. Unfortunately, the majority only get better at hiding it. Statistically only about 30% of addicts get into long term recovery, this addiction however, statistically is far less. Read the men’s journals-they say this addiction is harder than drugs, alcohol, or smoking to quit. Your husband will have to want to be clean more than he wants anything else. What I suggest for you, look into betrayal trauma groups, get into counseling with a csat. Focus on yourself and your baby and make very strong boundaries with your husband. Some books - Intimate Deception Your brain on porn Your sexually addicted spouse There are more, but that’s a good start. I’m sorry you are here.
I just don't understand why a married man or anyone who has family around them and kids would need to view porn? Shouldn't your focus be your partner? It all sounds so double-minded like the person wants to cheat in some way. It sounds so unsafe. The husband should be focused on his wife and her body and making their sex and love life better.
Good for you. He showed the way he was and you weren't ok with it and left him. That's the rigth thing to do. Always look at actions, not words. He lied to you. Ok, you can give him another chance. But you need to be firm with the fact that this is not tolerable in the relationship so if it happens again you are over. Always trust your guts. When you don't trust your partner the relationship is over. Is not about you, he just enjoys porn. For us man, our woman and porn are 2 totally different things. This is were you made a mistake. He watched at porn once... that's yeallow card. He did it again, that's red card. The relationship is over, he don't respect your boundries. You were clear that porn wasn't allowed in a relationship with you and he still keep doing it. Let go people that don't respect your boundries. No suprise, his actions never had consecuences. Beyond somes arguments, you still decided to be with him. When actions don't get consecuences people are going to keep doing them. You weren't firm the 2nd time, you didn't dump him... this 3rd time is on you. Your actions also has consecuences, if you let people don't respect your boundries then don't complain if they keep doing it. Agian, is not about you. He just enjoys fapping to porn. 3 times he showed to you that he don't respect your boundries, and you are still letting him get away with it. Again, actions with no concecuences.. Why are you with a guy that make you feel that way? you let the first guy go when he was maing you feel like this.. why are you still putting up with this guy? When trust is nonexisting in a relationship, the relationship is over. Of course that breaking up is so difficult, more when you have a child, but is the best you can do for your life and you child's.
It is good to get it off your chest. Sometimes just by getting out the words, it can bring a small sense of relief. The circumstances which brought you here are unfortunate, but just know that you're not alone in your struggle. First and foremost it should be stated that his porn use isn't a result of something you did or didn't do. It doesn't matter how you look, how great you are in all aspects of the marriage, or what you provide for him. You can be 100 percent perfect in every aspect of life and he would still watch porn. It is very, very difficult to see this because this addiction does hit us in the self-esteem and self-worth. Second, you can't make him quit. You can provide support for him if he chooses recovery for himself if that is what you want to do, but you can't do the recovery steps for him. He has to want to quit, and he has to want to quit for himself not for you or anyone else. He has to be willing to do the work to recover and be 100 percent committed to it. If he is unwilling, he will not get any better. Third, you also need to work on your own recovery from all of this. A lot of us SO's have betrayal trauma, which is a form of PTSD. If left untreated, it can manifest into physical symptoms and create a whole lot of problems for you in the long run. Exercising, meditation, therapy, these are all very helpful for the SO (as well as the PA, but that is on him). As @Psalm27:1my light said earlier, joining the SO support group can be helpful for you, as you will be able to read the stories of other SO's and what they have used and done that's helped them in their healing. Only SO's are allowed in the group and it is private. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?forums/sos-group-forum.40/
Because they are sex addicts. They use pmo to relieve stress, boredom, anxiety, depression etc. They don’t know how to cope in a healthy way. Many escalate to real life affairs. Some escalate in content, some in risky engagement, and sone with the amount of time they spend. Many have IA which makes it very difficult for them to be intimate and connect with their spouse. They will continue this until they decide it’s ruining their life. Even then, they may not be able to quit.
I get it but I don't. When you get in a relationship, things are supposed to change. Those things you did for yourself should no longer be necessary. Whenever I get in a relationship, heck, I'm not even online anymore. Marriage where 2 people actually live together and have kids, it's kinda like cheating to me. like being double-minded. Have a woman, but want more and want to see other bodies having sex.
This need is different, only addicts have it (and I think unfurtunately, most men are addicts, I might be wrong though). Don't you know this, aren't you a mo addict?
I was addicted to porn primarily because I'm single now for some time and lonely. When I was in relationships in the past, I was never really online. My focus was my partner in terms of any affection or sexual thoughts. Whenever I've been in a relationship, it was never on my mind to watch others have sex. Luckily, my recent ex wasn't too into us using porn for reference either. I thought men used it when single as well or when alone for too long. I didn't know men LIVING with a woman and in a relationship would still be turning to porn. I thought their mind would be on their partner when it comes to romance and sex.
I know men have more of a sex drive to continue on our species however I still think God and nature wants one man and one woman to partner at a time! Those in a relationship should be focused on each other., especially if you have a kids and have formed a family.
It's easy for a guy to get caught in the addiction. P is stupidly easy to access and infinitely novel. It provides a strong dopamine hit. It's condoned by Western culture. If he starts to do it regularly, to self medicate or out of boredom or whatever, he finds he feels bad when he stops. Justifications mount, he tells himself, "This is just how guys are. We need to get off regularly." Psychology supports P addiction by refusing to acknowledge it: they say P use is just sexual expression, and sexual expression is a "need." He compartmentalizes, he denies, he does not want to associate his decline in emotional connection or mental capacity with his addiction, so he doesn't even notice the correlation. Armed with "Everybody does it, it's normal," and "It's not a big deal anyway," coupled with, "She just doesn't understand a man's needs," a guy has every reason to keep indulging in his addiction and not tell his SO about it. The only two reasons a guy quits P is if his penis stops working, or if his SO threatens to (or does) leave him, and neither one of these are guaranteed to work. This is because once a body becomes reliant on regular, massive doses of dopamine provided by P, it feels absolutely wretched without that dopamine. His brain will frequently and unexpectedly prompt him to seek P. When he experiences boredom or stress, if he sees or hears something that reminds him of P, he'll get the urge to use it. His testicles, accustomed to producing relatively large volumes of semen in order to keep up, don't get the message to slow down right away. This causes a persistent ache in his crotch. It won't help to ejaculate, but he'll think it will. Denied his routine and accustomed release, he'll be cranky and distracted and not pleasant to be around, but he won't be able to escape his own skin and the solution to every one of these problems will be easily accessible and constantly on his mind. Prompted by his dopamine craving brain, he'll invent all manner of justifications and compromises that will allow him to access the natural neurotransmitter he craves in unnatural quantities; "It can't really be that bad," "It's not my fault I'm like this," "Maybe I can wean off of it," "What if I look at P without M?," "What if I M without P?," "Having S with my wife will actually be a healthy thing," and all manner of nasty, accusatory thoughts that shift blame instead of addressing his own problem and what he can do, what he needs to do, to fix it. None of this is your fault. You couldn't do anything to keep him off P, no matter what you have been told. I can get into details about that if you'd like, but it's a high word count. Rather than blame and accuse and dwell in what might have been different if only this or that was changed, it's better to focus on what the current situation is and what you can do to change it. Unfortunately your agency is more limited than anyone would like. You did not cause or enable his addiction, but because of your relationship, both of you suffer from it. You can choose to shield him from some of that suffering by taking more of it on yourself, and let him continue in his addiction. If you do this, he'll have little to no motivation to change. You can choose to deliver him an ultimatum; you or porn. This might give him enough motivation to consider change, or it may not. The great injustice of an addiction is, the only person who has the ability to change it is not in a mental state amenable to change. You are not disgusting. It's not your fault. Now, in your postpartum state, you are emotionally vulnerable and this is not fair. I've seen this injustice play out too many times since I've been on this forum, and it's heartbreaking every time. I'm sorry you can't talk to friends and family, people you already trust about this, but you can talk to us. We've been through this and are going through it, on both sides of the addiction, and we understand. We can help, as much as anyone can in this situation, but unfortunately, the only person who can fix this is your husband. It's 100% unfair, and I'm sorry.
There are plenty other reasons. Self-improvement/self-mastery; recognizing it as spiritually damaging (moral reasons), and even if it sounds cliché, love. And those are just the first that come to mind. @Thisgirl I'm really sorry to hear that. Only ourselves can decide and make an great effort to quit this addiction, but without a meaningful reason, it's almost impossible. Try to explain him how it makes you feel, and how damaging is to your relationship, as a way of motivating and convincing him. For a man, it can be more difficult to understand that sex is than more just a physical act. For me it was very helpful reading posts in this section ("Partner support"), about how Porn destroyed loving relationships. Other people have said that this fight is his, and not yours. If he was just a boyfriend, i would agree, but being your husband and the father of your son, i would reccomend you to support and help him how ever he may need (read carefully: help him to quit porn!, not to allow it, nor to redirect his lust into you (becoming just a sex reliever). Helping him in developing a healthy, stronger and more loving relationship). I understand it will be emotionally difficult, but i feel you really want this marriage to endure. As i see it, within marriage the problems belongs to both. And unfortunately, this is your time to be strong.
