I am struggling with my body image. It’s weird because obviously women are always insecure in some form, but I never felt the way I do now. I look in the mirror and get sad because all I see is an ugly face staring back at me. I am 3 months post partum and only a couple pounds off my prepregnancy weight, but it may as well be 50. I wonder if he thinks he could have done better. Because while I understand it’s an addiction, the fact that it has anything to do with lusting/viewing/orgasming to other women just isn’t something I can handle. He relapsed again (without masturbation) and wasn’t able to find much. He told me it’s happened because he was thinking of a certain porn star for days and just couldn’t get it out of his mind. Before he quit, he would just go look them up and watch them. But this time he was only able to find some mild things (topless women, lingerie). And for some reason that made it worse for me. Like you’re that desperate for it, you’ll take that version of it over me, your wife?? Beforehand, I knew I wasn’t ugly, I knew I had a decent body, etc. But now I swear I can pick myself apart like no other. I’m wildly insecure and it’s not for lack of him telling me the things he loves about me or randomly telling me I look really pretty. He’s a good guy in that sense, he would never say anything hurtful. He claims he even prefers me without makeup... but how can that be true when he can’t get these beautiful women out of his head with perfect bodies and it’s so bad that he’s willing to break a 50 day streak to look at a very mild version of what he used to watch. And for what purpose? Just to look?? That’s so unfaithful in my eyes. I can’t stand this. I am not a strong enough or confident enough woman to be in this position.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I know from my wife that post-pregnancy makes it even worse because a woman's body naturally changes so much (for amazing and good reasons!), not to mention lack of sleep, etc. The one thing I would add is that it probably wasn't a rational decision making process debating "50 day streak vs clothed images from google searches". While I can't speak for him or his actions/motivations, he's most likely not logically hurting you on purpose.
He definitely isn’t. It kills him to see me so sad. He hates himself for all of this and that he can’t stop. He said if he ever had one wish, it wouldn’t be for wealth, a bigger home, etc. he’d wish away this addiction. So it helps knowing he truly is trying hard and hates this just as much as I do, it just sucks being on this end of things. I just don’t see how he can go and look without thinking about it and deciding not to with me in mine and considering it’s breaking our vows every damn time he indulges in that stuff. Not that the full blown PMO made it any better, but it just seems like an extra gut punch to know that he’s still willing to risk it all for something so little. And what does that make me? The bottom of the barrel pick.
My husband was clean for 2 years before he relapsed. What brought it on was the stress and powerlessness he felt about his mom and her health (not excusing it at all, he violated the marriage). Is there something that happened prior to him looking these pictures up that you're able to pinpoint? If so, this would be something he needs to bring up in therapy. Sometimes stress, boredom, anxiety, or whatever can be a trigger for them to escape. There may be an underlying reason he needs to address and what led up to the relapse could provide a clue to that. If he is able to address it, he will be able to cope better and be less likely to relapse again in the future. I hear you about the body image thing though. I am 9 years older than my husband and this addiction put our age difference in the front. I feel old, and it is still hard to look at myself. I hope you're able to find answers soon. I know it hurts, and time is what is needed to heal.
As a PA in recovery I am a bit biased. Please take this with a grain of salt. But the fact that he's trying and being honest about the relapse means you're not the bottom of the barrel pick. If you were to him, he wouldn't be trying and wouldn't feel remorse or guilt or shame.
