[Advice] He says he doesn't watch porn anymore...

Two options ask him again and stress if it is the case you've been researching about it and would like to talk or another option is to snoop and look for yourself.
If you feel he is, there's a good chance he is.

 

Unfortunately, I agree with @Rav70 ! As a man, who for many years hid it from my wife, knows we are often guilty. Women are incredibly perceptive. They have a 6th sense and know when something is wrong even in the absence of proof. A statement like "he messes a lot with connections and it must have caught from another person around," sounds pretty ludicrous. Honesty is essential if you want the relationship to prosper. The best thing that ever happened to me was my decision to be completely honesty with my wife. Our relationship has never been better thank God.

He has to be willing to come clean. This can be difficult. It was huge challenge for me. As men, we think we have to be strong and perfect for our wives, when in reality most women prefer an honest man to a perfect man a million times over. It took me a long time to get this fact.

Be gentle and supportive towards him if he opens up! However, if he does not want to come clean, I can't imagine your relationship getting any better. Addiction thrives in secrecy! He must be open with you. There is no other option. Remember this quote: YOU GET WHAT YOU TOLERATE! Porn is toxic! It will destroy your relationship unless you get rid of it. I wish you much success! My heart goes out to you. Our addiction usually has very little to do with our spouses. It is NOT your fault!! How can you compete against the endless novelty one mouse click away.

 

Addiction is a horrible mistress. It robs us of ourselves and the person who is addicted. Most times they do not actively stop the addiction until they have hit bottom. For my husband, its the realization that he can no longer make love to me. He came up with a lot of excuses, he is older, his prostrate is swollen slightly, I am not tight enough ect. After a year of this he finally had to admit he had PIED. His dependence on POV porn and death grip masturbation tactics had made it impossible for him and I to have a normal sex life.
He is trying to reboot. After living with recovery from alcohol and drugs with him, i know its his job not mine to monitor his recovery. I can try and lead him to this forum for support, congratulate him on his success ect. But I can't make him stop, he has to do tjis on his own.
Your SO is the same, he must hit his bottom and come to the conclusion that porn is a problem for him. It might be your fights that trigger it. It might be something else, but he will have to hit his bottom.
In the meantime, get help for yourself. Try a counselor that understands living with an addict to help you through. Keep coming back here to learn about others and their struggles.
Take care,
C

 

You are not being paranoid. As a girlfriend who went through this, it is likely he's lying in saying it was someone else's searches... The fact that he gets angry and defensive says a lot. Partners using porn will come up with anything to persuade you that it is not their searches/the phone malfunctioned/it's a very old search that somehow came up again/someone else must have used my phone, etc. Then in their anger of being caught, they put the guilt and blame on you saying "why are you so jealous", "you never trust me", or my personally favourite: "Of course I've stopped, don't you know I love you that much?". A new twist on the same old story... I've been there. Thankfully, my boyfriend finally clued in that if it happened one more time that was it. And I stuck with it. Putting your foot down is one step in the right direction. Of course the other step is having a boyfriend or husband that is truly willing to change and who realizes the negative effect porn has on his and your life. If he has no intention or will to change, I'm afraid there's really not much you can do. That's where you need to seriously talk with him, get him to be honest (first by coming clean about still using it), and then see if he even wants to change. As someone else said, you may also need to stumble upon it to get him to admit to it (that's how it happened to me). How can he deny what you see with your very own eyes?

If you can get him to agree to it, there are several tricks my boyfriend and I used and we are having a lot of success with it (he hasn't used porn since last March to my knowledge, and has been very open and apologetic). The first is installing a safety software that blocks certain websites and searches, going to bed at a decent hour (and if he does stay up late the internet has been set off at 10 pm), and me holding him accountable by asking him if he has looked at porn or not. Obviously all of these require a certain amount of him wanting to change, as well as trust on my part because he could simply bypass all these obstacles if he truly wanted to, that being said he knows that if I ever fall upon the porn again it's 100% over.

Setting up software to block websites and a time on the internet is not for everyone. It has worked for us thankfully, but only because my boyfriend was the one that went and installed it all himself, showing me he wanted to stop. I can see how many men would not want to do it because it seems like babysitting, but it may be worth looking into if you think it could possibly work. Also remember that if your husband does not want to stop then he is unlikely to agree to any of these things. Some of the women on this website have had success with other methods and those might be better suited to your needs, however one common denominator in all of our stories is that the man in question wanted to change too. So your first step is finding that out and seeing where you can go from there.

Just remember to take care of yourself in the process. From my own experience discovering searches and finding out your boyfriend or husband has been lying to you for the entirety of your relationship is incredibly damaging on a personal level. It's almost been a year since I found out, but I still have a lot of anxiety and pain in regards to it. I'm still resenting him on some level, and feeling sceptical of all men, but it has gotten better in time. It's such a slow process and just remember to put yourself first. If you feel like it's too much to handle, you can leave. No one is worth the pain and betrayal of constantly being lied to, especially if they have no intention of changing. The only person you owe something to is yourself. Go in with a no bullshit approach, but be aware that if he doesn't want to change there's very little you can do... And if he does open up that's great. Let him know you are thankful and appreciate that.

I hope it all works out for you. Keep us updated on here if you want, and come here for support. Lots of women use this site as a way of healing and talking to others in the same boat. Best of luck ! xxx

 

Having him go bed when you do is a good idea. We started doing that and my boyfriend says it helps a lot. Late night PMO when I was sleeping happened all the time. Remove the temptation.

 

@wifeintrouble :
It scares me really when I read relationship threads like this-means p has a wide penetration and impact to ruin many aspects of our lives including relationships!
Don't lose your temper,hang in there.its not an easy one.it's an addiction and a really hard one to beat.but when your bf will understand that how p is affecting him then only he can step to quit porn.this step is a must.and you are the one who has to support/question/keep a vigil of his actions/help/fight till hes able to understand this.after this things becomes really easy believe me.
Educate yourself about it,tell him,make him to read some of threads by men/women in relationship how they overcome this,you can see a counselor either.have patience!things will start to turn your way.
Communication is going to be a big key for both of you.make him comfortable to open up to you.and above all ,make yourself strong,take care of yourself and educate yourself on this topic a little bit further.
Hope ull get success.good luck.

 

I checked it out. Sad men would rather beat off to this shit then to have a meaningful relationship. Hang in there.

 

uh oh...

 

I hate to admit it but ive spent too many a time on this site. Thats what porn addiction does to us men, we start out with pictures of tits, then pictures of tits and ass, then its hardcore sex, then it moves on to fetishes, then extreme and unspeakable stuff. This escalation is what turns us into useless lovers eventually. I am in no way making excuses about it. There is nothing in my life I want more than a meaningful, healthy relationship with a woman I can connect with, but I also think im better at dealing with my addictions than other people. Half the people on this site seem to struggle going a day without fapping. Its a comfort zone thats always there, but it destroys us, and our relationships.

 

Yeah I understand but as a women living with this it's easier to understand a single guy doing it than a guy married or in a committed relationship. There's a real woman! Right there, ya big dummy!
I never got into porn. Thankfully bf is 5 weeks no pmo

 

Unfortunately we are big dummies. We get tricked. Who would ever want a crappy McDonald's hamburger over a select prime rib. (sorry for the food example, I am bit hungry). May we be healed in our incorrect thinking. Stay strong! Win!

 

I used to think the same thing...Everything is going to be ok when I get married. Marriage does not solve the problem. PMO goes much deeper. Marriage may cover it for a little while. How can your wife no matter how pretty she is compete with the endless novelty of the internet? Life happens. We are selfish creatures that like to take the easy way out. PMO is accessible, and easy but very destructive on many levels. You will likely have disagreements with your spouse and you will begin to take each other for granted except for those whom Allah blesses! PMO provides an escape (albeit a bad and unhealthy one) a type of self medication. Life is full of challenges and we respond in certain ways. I have been tested with this disease. It has been a constant source of struggle throughout my life. I am learning. I am healing. I am growing. Through this process, I am attempting to grow closer to God. I am less judgemental and I am more empathetic and sympathetic for others. We all make mistakes, but the best of those who make mistakes are the best who seek forgiveness. We are all in need of God's mercy and forgiveness. Stay strong! Win!

 

It may look that way. But there is no power in us greater than our desire to get our lives back, and our connection to you.