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Trying To Recover and Salvage My Relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by DankOcean, Jan 10, 2024.

  1. Jan 10, 2024 #1
    DankOcean

    DankOcean New Fapstronaut

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    My girlfriend of about 3 and a half years at this point recently discovered my addiction to masturbation. We're on a break right now as throughout the time in our relationship, it's been extremely difficult to be sexually intimate with her due to my inability to maintain an erection. Sexual intimacy has been one of her main priorities in a relationship, and I have not been able to satisfy her properly in a very long time. She feels betrayed, and hurt; she has told me many times she had desires she needed to be fulfilled and I selfishly was in the background pleasing myself the entire time.

    She has said that she needs space to figure out whether or not this relationship is something she wants to continue with moving forward and also to possibly fulfill her sexual needs after all this time. I can't blame her of course for wanting to do this but I'm not sure there is any way to salvage the relationship at this point. I do love her very much, but I'm not sure she can ever trust me again after this. I'm struggling with thoughts of whether or not it would be best to just cut our ties now and move on, but it's tough when we've both devoted so much time into this relationship and once had aspirations of marriage.

    I'm 4 days into my recovery. I had tried to stop before but I had never actually tried to be as intentional as I am now. I previously only tried abstinence, but that failed after about 3 days or so. Currently, I have booked a therapy session through "Seeking Integrity", have downloaded website blockers with a bullshit password I don't actually even know to stop me from acting on any urges, and have also bought a workbook to try and help me be proactive. I'm trying to do my best in this moment but I feel as though the damage has already been done.

    I'm happy to share my story on here and it's extremely relieving to know that I'm not the only one going through something like this... Right now I feel as though I have no one to talk to. Many of our friends are the same, but I still don't even feel comfortable telling my personal friends. Of course, I can mention my girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch, but it's extremely shameful to elaborate and say the true reason why.

    I'm thankful I found this place when I did. I know everything will work out the way it should in the end.
     
    DankOcean, Jan 10, 2024
    DankOcean, Jan 10, 2024
    #1
    ANewFocus likes this.
  2. Jan 10, 2024 #2
    ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! You’re not alone and many men struggle with what you’re going through. Focus on yourself and getting help for this. Be active here every day and maybe multiple times per day. Share what you’re going through. Go to SAA meetings and work the steps. See a sex addiction therapist and work with them. Try to reduce usage of devices that you use for porn. Have a trusted friend or SAA member put filters on your devices.
    Do the deep work to understand why you masturbate frequently and what it is you’re trying to avoid or numb.

    This is hard but life changing work.
     
    ANewFocus, Jan 10, 2024
    ANewFocus, Jan 10, 2024
    #2
    DankOcean and Don80 like this.
  3. Jan 10, 2024 #3
    Real Jerry Seinfeld

    Real Jerry Seinfeld Fapstronaut

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    It sounds as though her threatening to end things has been the kick up the backside you've needed. If you have enough will to do this, you can do it.

    What I would recommend is focus on kicking this habit for you. You can't control whether she'll take you back ultimately, but you can control how you'll behave in this or future relationships from now on. You don't want to carry a thing like erectile dysfunction with you in life or into future relationships. Get this under control.

    With regards to stopping porn and masturbation, focus on and try to build on your successes. If you cave after a week, don't despair, just give yourself a slap and resolve to make it to 2 weeks next time. If you go cold turkey successfully that's great, but it might not happen. Look at it this way, if last month you masturbated 20 times and this month only 4, that's still progress. So focus on progress and the positive.

    Fingers crossed things go well for you in your relationship.
     
    Real Jerry Seinfeld, Jan 10, 2024
    Real Jerry Seinfeld, Jan 10, 2024
    #3
    Warfman, ANewFocus and DankOcean like this.

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