Struggling with my wife

Sorry to hear that you are going thru that, and to hear that she is having troubles.

How is she doing? Is she under a lot of stressors? Do you feel like you're both open and supportive with each other emotionally? Does she feel the same way? Does she feel stuck in the house? Does she know that you struggle with PMO?

 

It doesn't make you a bad person because you're struggling to be sexually attracted to someone. To some extent, sexual attraction is involuntary, you can't will yourself into feeling it.

I don't personally think that what you do in terms of recovery is going to have a massive effect on how you feel. If you thought your wife was objectively smoking hot but still couldn't be aroused by her, then I would say that's likely an issue with your porn habit. But it sounds as though your attraction to her has decreased in relation to her weight gain, given that you've cut down on porn substantially across this time.

I would discuss the attraction issue with your wife if you haven't already. And I would also be tactful but quite frank about it. I think a lot of guys either avoid talking about this or downplay its significance because they want to spare their other half's feelings. But if she doesn't know the extent to which this is an issue for you, then she doesn't have an opportunity to decide how to respond to it. She needs the fully story.

 

To me, it sounds like there is an underlying issue going on here; maybe something has bothered her recently and it's up to the point that she doesn't care. Try reaching out to her and see if she's willing to discuss it.

 

If your wife is sensitive about it how do you think she will respond to the information? And how do you think you would handle that response? Do you feel like you can handle the response she gives well?

I have found, the further along I've gone removing P addiction the better I handle my wife's own erratic behaviors. For this reason my opinion is you wait to say anything about this until you feel you can articulate it in a kind, loving way, that also expresses how you truly feel without feeling shameful about it. I would take some time to really think hard on how you feel. I also don't think that this is something that should be kept silent long term either. Do you think P is affecting any preference here or no?

It sounds like you've been working on the addiction part so that's good. I can't fully relate to you on the attraction part with my wife as even though our looks are changing I see her in the same light in did when we were younger. I can say what I feel I want/need now is much different than what I did a year ago since starting to remove addiction in terms of sex and intimacy.

P addiction trains the eye to objectify others physically. This severs a certain level of emotional connection that is very important, because without the physical attraction the person viewing the content isn't going to emotionally connect. Do you feel fully emotionally connected when the lights are off with your wife? Or is the physical attraction issue on your mind then as well? I wonder if it's a little bit of both, her body gaining weight, and your habitual objectification of others.

What's your story with removing P? How long have your steaks been? Have they been improving?

 

I think focusing on how you handle bringing this up would be a better focus than waiting for a time that she is feeling good about herself. Since that's actually out of your control. All you can control is you. It's important to understand how your wife might handle things. But your focus can't be on trying to find the right time when to say something.

Congrats on the streaks!

 

Does she know about your addiction? If she does that could be what's causing her to let herself go. I was in a sexless relationship for ten years. Starting when I was 90 pounds and ending when I was 135 pounds. Most of these years I weighed in at 106 daily. It didn't matter what sexy outfits I put on, he'd reject me. I felt like a fool all made up perfectly to be treated like that. Ever since, I only dress and groom for myself, and believe me, I already had major depressive disorder before letting him in my life and now I have no confidence even though many men find me attractive and think I'm a lot younger than I am. I see a lot of addicts here putting the blame on everyone but themselves. I'm sure you know that porn decreases your attraction to real women. Just a thought.

In my case he was forced to choose between me and porn and he chose the porn, but he will tell my friends I went on vacation and came back in a bad mood so he's just giving me some time to myself. He doesn't seem to understand or admit to something that clear cut. He even thinks I'm the narcissist when it's commonly known that narcissists withhold sex. All I wanted was love and he was incapable of giving it. I stayed loyal for ten years. He knew my boundaries and constantly stepped over them, and me.

Do you realize that this addiction warps your brain? Your decision making skills are being stunted. Best to reset that before saying something to your wife.