Ruining my relationship

I had a relapse a couple of years ago and I ended the relationship soon after. I told her I wasn't attracted to her. Looking back that was cruel and it was definitely the addiction speaking. Don't end things just because she's not the p star your attracted to in the videos.
Try to do the reboot and I think you'll find your attraction for her only grows.
P is the problem here. You just got to fight my friend. Do whatever it takes. If I could get back all the years and relationships I've trashed because of this, I'm pretty sure I would have been married by now but here I am. struggling again.
Keep fighting you'll figure it out.

 

Hard disagree. No woman wants to be the person you're attracted to just because you're not saturating yourself in stuff you'd prefer instead. How would you personally feel if the only way your girl could get attracted to you was to avoid people she thought were better? You'd probably feel like you got the short end of the stick. Just tell her the truth-- you compare her to people you like better and it makes you not enjoy her. Tell her you might enjoy her if you stop looking at people you prefer over her. Then let her make the decision. But she deserves to know where she stands so that she can make a decision based in reality about whether SHE wants to continue. To do anything else is to manipulate her reality to control her.

You are concerned whether she is the one for you and you can enjoy being with her. Nah. You need to also let her decide, knowing the total truth, whether you are the one for her.

 

I think you replied to the wrong person.

 

No, just double checked. You're the one who said not to end things just because he's not attracted to her like he is to the porn stars. From a partner, I'm saying, no, that's a very good reason to end things, or at least be honest about it so his girlfriend has the option to end things for this reason.

I would never want to stay in a relationship where my partner settled for me and preferred ogling other people. I think most humans wouldn't want to stay in light of that dynamic.

 

I meant the attraction to p stars will go away over time.

 

Doesn't matter. He already cheated on her with them and decided she wasn't attractive when he was actively in addiction comparing. She deserves to know the truth about those feelings and decide for herself if she wants to try and work that out or if that's a dealbreaker for her.

 

Fair enough point.

 

Im struggling with the same issues my friend. I have noticed that when I go without PMO for a week and actually spend time with her, she is the most amazing girl I have ever met and so loving and kind. Porn is like cheating in a way no matter how you want to spin it. Is she obligated to stay with you? No. Are all relationships a risk? Yes. Does porn have a vastly negative impact on your relationship? Yes yes. The decision is between you and her my friend. Remember, relationships function off of honesty, unity, compromise, and working through trauma and trials. If you are honest and she is willing to stay, then consider yourself lucky and stop at no cost to quit your PMO. If you aren’t honest with her, then you’re destroying yourself and wasting her time. It may not be the answer you wanted but sometimes the truth hurts brother. My girlfriend was totally aware of my issues when we first got together because I was open with her about it. She knows my struggle and she knows I am actively fighting against it and consciously and purposefully choosing her everyday no matter what I think or feel because I know she loves me and is good for my wellbeing. Again, she isn’t obligated to stay with me, in fact, with the level of honesty and disgusting things I’ve done, I deserve to be left in the dust. But it’s always one day at the time.

 

On one hand, this is solid truth. On the other hand, we are taking about addictions here. If addicts are honest, which is the hardest things for addicts to be, they can work and improve. If someone chooses to stay with an addict, knowing that they are going to go through trials, that is on them. They are by no means obligated. To be with an addict runs the risk of turning codependent. To be with an addict runs the risk of being treated poorly and unfairly. But many people stay with addicts and help them, with healthy boundaries, to become better people. Sometimes healthy boundaries means being honest about feelings and sometimes it can present as stepping away from the situation. But as for all relationships, it is all about 2 people coming to agreements or disagreements. Too many disagreements ends the relationship. Too much agreement can lead to codependency. Compromise is key. But you’re right: by no means is anyone obligated to stay with an addict.

 

I have to chime in. I definitely agree more so with @HenryforwardV2. And that’s because, beauty is constantly changing and evolving. Perhaps a person is attracted to an age group, after all, the majority of 18-25 year old women are truly beautiful, but that physical beauty changes. It fades. It evolves. All of us age and change and grow over time. When we seek P or fantasy, we create the same woman in our mind, every day for a decade. Real relationships aren’t like that. People age, change, gain weight, lose weight, etc. we turn wrinkly and grey. No one stays the same. Expect in Porn. Those girls will look the same. Every day. Year after year. That simply isn’t reality.

Abstaining from porn will bring your brain back to reality. You will see women differently. You will be able to see the beauty in the woman you are with.

 

Man, I'm in a 8 year long relationship, turning 9 this May, getting married next year.
I'm almost in Day 60, of NoFap/Porn detox challenge.
And I'm feeling terrible too, having these feelings too. Not feeling attracted to my fiance, looking at other women, having urges to fap and watch porn again. And that happens every time I do the challenge.
I came to this conclusion.
The withdrawal syndrome symptoms are harsh, your brain and body want to obtain those precious chemicals that get produced when you fap/watch porn. And that's all they want! Like a stoner craving more drugs.

Stay strong brother if you truly love that woman stay strong. Try to have exciting activities, kiss or have intimate moments with her. Have meaningful and connecting experiences.

I'm pretty confident that when our brains get detoxification process complete everything will be better.

 

I hope you've disclosed this to her before you trap her in a marriage she might not want. It sucks to accidentally marry someone you don't actually know who's been lying to you the whole time. And incredibly hard to get out of, even without kids involved (still waiting on our court date to finalize a divorce, where it's my responsibility to go up and publicly read a statement about irreconcilable differences, as if I just don't like the way he picked his nose).

 

This is spot on.

 

This is so true. Really interesting idea.

 

Ain't this the truth. I have fought, rallied and sulked against this, but at the end of the day, it's true. We are looking at another person in order to achieve arousal.

 

I think you're asking whether porn could be to blame for feeling ambivalent about your girlfriend. The truth is, you won't know til you stop using porn so much. Get a good streak going and then see how you feel.

If you just want theories, I think the question is whether the issue is a lack of attraction or a lack of deep connection. I think porn could impact attraction, but I think if you feel that something about your relationship feels incomplete or missing, the problem might be more serious. Just because someone is objectively a catch doesn't mean they're going to be the right person for you. At 22, you've the time to find someone else, so don't get too hung up on these questions. Just kick the porn and see how you feel.

 

Agree with the first part here.

The root of the problem is not the relationship - in fact, whether the relationship works out (or not) is not even the point. The problem is pornography and how that changes our view on women/sexuality. If you're focused on your goals to abstain for YOU - rather than any secondary result - things will work out the way they're supposed to.