Is there ever a time when you stop thinking about his addiction? Is there ever a time when you stop worrying about whether or not he's telling you the truth? Is there ever a time when you get your confidence back? When you stop doubting yourself? When you stop comparing yourself to other women? Does the anger and resentment ever really subside? Or do you just have figure out how to keep pushing all these feelings down indefinitely? I'd been doing pretty good not letting my emotions get the best of me since finding out about my husbands PA but yesterday it all fell apart and I had a horrible day. How have you helped yourself heal?
Red, I would love to tell you that all of this changes over time and just magically goes away, unfortunately, for me, it has not. It has gotten better though and slowly gets better every day. I mostly have good days now but even after 210 days, I still have days where I fall apart as you described. I still think about his addiction, my self-esteem is not back to normal and I still question whether or not he is still lying to me. However, I think about it less and less as more time passes. Once your husband starts to prove to you that he is clean and that he wants to be clean, some normalcy will start to appear again. Patience is the key here- and that has never been one of my strong points but keep working at it and it WILL get easier.
Oh and if you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask. I don't know if I answered everything you wanted to know.
Thanks Blondewife. We had a major setback this evening so right now everything is up in the air again. Yesterday there were things bothering me, we discussed them and laid them to rest. Today, unfortunately I had more questions and realized there are still things he isn't being fully honest about, because things just don't add up. I sent him a text at work to let him know when he came home I wanted to talk. He blew up, accused me of attacking him everyday. Called me immature, ignorant, etc because he didnt like the manner in which I told him we needed to talk. I was polite, btw. So now we are sitting in two separate rooms. I guess he expects me to ask all I'm going to ask and feel all I'm going to feel and then move on. I don't think he realizes that I'm still trying to make sense of YEARS of this behavior.
Well he needs to realize that he caused the damage and it is up to him to make it right. You in no way should trust what he is saying to you yet because you've only begun the healing process- you trusting him (right now) would be ignorant (in my opinion). I admire him for wanting to change and I think that part is great however, him expecting everything to be hunky-dorey after such a short amount of time, will not work. He needs to be understanding of your feelings. Hell, some days I tell Haggis that I am having a horrible day and can't stop thinking that he is still lying and even after 210 days, he is still understanding of my feelings. Hang in there and try to explain to him that you need to be able to come to him with stuff like this or you will just spin in circles.
Well here it is almost 11:30 and I can't sleep. We never resolved our issue earlier, never even got to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. Things just went even further downhill. In fact, he ended up mocking the fact that I was even on this forum. Now I feel like I don't trust him at all. I can't even tell him what is bothering me now. I'm sort of in disbelief that tonight ended like it has after the progress I thought we made.
I just wanted to copy a post I had from the other night. I hope there is some info in there that you find helpful. For me I have been married for 12 years... Been PMO for over 15... My wife and I would go through the same routine of she catching me, I'd say sorry, and it would happen all over again... I love my wife with my whole heart and hated the fact that it hurt her... But the fact is I didn't try to stop untill I realised I was hurting myself more than her... With an addiction like this that is usually an escape from deeper rooted problems only once the person is ready to realize those problems and face them head on for themselves will the healing prosses start.. That's my experience... And let me say there were many of tearfull nights that I knew I hurt my wife's feelings and I completely hated myself for it but the messed up thing is it would make me want to look at porn more. It is a nasty circle... The other thing that Is completely twisted is that the women in the pornos completely disgust me... My wife is way more beautiful than the women I was watching... When ever I was single I was only attracted to classy dressed women and my wife caught my eye because of how much of a classy lady she is... Whenever I saw a woman that was dressed trashy I wouldnt give her a second look yet when I was in porn mode its all I could look at... It is like I was a completely different person... The man my wife fell in love with when we would spend time together and this total self hating loser when I was alone... I never stopped loving my wife any less throughout my porn addiction, in fact like I said before the guilt I felt drove me deeper into a porn filled spiral... I guess my main point I'm sharing is that for me my porn addiction hadabsolutely nothing to do with me not being happy with my wife... It is simply I'm not happy with myself and not being the man she deserves. Wow I'm pretty choked up now so I think this rant is long enough sorry if it's so long... I'm willing to bet a million dollars that your husband does love you... But untill he quits for himself and trys to love himself it will be a nasty cycle... End copy... I hope your husband can address his root problems and you are to be givin a ton of credit for trying to help... I'm not sure if what I'm about to say is gonna make sense but.... There is no difference as far as your husband using porn as an escape than if he was using heroin or alchohal. Porn is his drug... After I say that statement I can only imagine how difficult it would be for a woman emotionally to think that her husband is looking at naked woman and that it didn't mean that he was unhappy with his wife... Thats what it was in my case anyway... I thank you for your journal, it has made me more determined to not look at porn.
It's really hard sometimes. In the very beginning 11 years ago, I totally believed him when he said he was giving it up. I would go about my life and be shocked like every time I would catch him again. Then there would be months that I just wouldn't even check anything or ask cause I just didn't want to know. During those months I wouldn't think about it as much. But then I would come across it accidentally, and all the feelings would come back full force and we'd have a blowout. For several years he had me believing that he was going months without it and every time I caught him it was because he had a slip up. So not true. Once I realized that he was never going without it, it became much worse for me. That's when the non-stop insecure broken record thoughts started going in my brain. That's when I began to flat out distrust anything he said to me regarding P and feeling like he was just using me every time he wanted sex. That's when my self esteem went to hell. That's when I realized that if I wasn't in the room with him, he was probably watching P or looking up every nude celebrity photo, or jiggling tits gif or hentai cartoon be could find. And that's when my days turned into non-stop anxiety. Last summer he was getting up early every day. I thought nothing of it until the door bell rang one morning and I woke up earlier than usual. I went to watch tv with him and he was very agitated and pissy with me. I thought gosh he doesn't even want to be in the same room with me. I was so upset. Later checked internet history and found out he had been waking up early every day to have a P session and he was probably pissy because I had interrupted. Shortly after that he got a smartphone. He immediately put a pin screen lock on it. I knew exactly why too. I guessed the pin and put a web tracker on his phone. I don't think for a second it was the right thing to do without his permission, but that's what I did. I watched him like a hawk for several months. I got to know his habits very well and found out just exactly how much was going on that he never would have told me. I found out he was coming home early to do it before I got home. I found out he was looking at P every single day for 1-3 hours. Usually one hour, two to three times a day. I would talk to him about it, he'd say he would try, and then the next day he would be right back at it. I eventually told him about the tracker. He was not really upset and said he understands why I would do that. Once the subscription ran out I let it go. So some days I don't think about it much. But others I can't stop thinking about it. Especially when he says certain things or does something different in bed. Or when I suspect he just spent an hour watching P and now he wants to have sex. And of course any time he's in the bathroom or home alone or even just in another room. Ugh. Yes, sometimes I feel downright obsessed with it and I have to get a hold of myself before I really do go nuts. I wish that I could erase all of it from my memory and just be blissfully ignorant... I'm sorry, this was supposed to be just a quick response, and look I can't shut up! That's one thing I love about this forum is I start typing and all this stuff comes out. It feels good to get it out and really vent. I just hope I'm not terribly annoying people with my ramblings. I guess it's just that I haven't talked to anyone besides him about it all these years.
This is so hurtful, ugly, and painful to read. I absolutely HATE that you're going through this and that I did such horrible selfish things to my wife for so long. Addicts in his position typically don't, or sometimes just REFUSE to see their responsibility in their life's situations. It sounds like your husband just wants to blame you for his troubles in life that most, if not all, were caused by his decisions in his addiction. When I was acting out, NOTHING was my fault and I was irritable and moody ALL the time, but especially if I didn't get to act out with my porn regularly. Its such an ugly thing, as all addictions are, but this one just tears the self esteem and confidence out of the spouse and rips it to shreds. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope things get better soon. (And by get better, I mean I hope he starts taking responsibility and accepting that he needs to be held accountable for this ABUSE, as well as realizing that everything he is blaming you for is his own F*&#ING fault.)
My husband has been totally sober and in active recovery for over a year. The changes in him are enormous and if I met him now, I would fall in love with him immediately and he would be the biggest blessing to my life. But my answer is no to all. If we could split, I would.
In my experience, takes a lot longer than a year for the partner to even begin healing (if they even want to at that point). And it will never be 100% with that partner. Far too much damage is done with the lying and gas lighting, it destroys the very foundation of the relationship. So much damage is done that many leave before they ever realize their partner had an addiction to begin with.
I feel like I speak from multiple experiences too. My first husband was also a porn/sex addict. The instant relief when we finally split was enormous. The feeling of freedom and happiness and self-worth that returned literally as he moved his last shot out and then again as I handed him the papers and then increased again when I walked out of the courtroom after reading my required "irreconcilable differences" speech the court hands you to read at your court date is almost indescribable. I remember that breezy wonderful feeling every day. This is my second go-round. The second person I married who promised to give me a different love than the one I'd left also turned out to be lying the whole time and to be a porn addict and I think frequently about how nice it would be to crawl back out of this pit and feel that breezy feeling again, to feel like so many options for happiness in the world are just waiting on me. It's almost enough to feel drunk on wanting to feel that happy again. But we are not in a position to do that. My advice is always and forever going to be to leave if you can. The happiness of leaving my first, who was my high school sweetheart, will always outmatch the daily pit of misery of staying with someone who has proven, written in stone that they don't value you, are not interested in you, and loves the disembodied body parts of randos more than every part of you and all of your love and support put together.
I have pointed out to my husband that it really is a pit of bottomless despair to be entwined with a porn addict. Even before you discover what’s going on. Life is so chaotic and confusing and then you discover the reason and you’re hit with even more despair and sadness, rage and a vile sickness in your stomach. Sadly the women who seem to thrive the most and best are the ones who left. It’s very disheartening but also encouraging because I know I’ll do great if he forces me to leave!
