Porn reboot + Digital detox

Hey friends,

I'm going to be using this thread to update my experience. My porn recovery story is 6 years ago I entered 12 step recovery from porn addiction. I had been addicted since age 14 and had watch porn, edged etc everyday for over 4-6 hours. Yes I was pretty mangled both physically and mentally by the end of my porn career. After joining 12 step groups I began my recovery journey and had no idea how much growth that would follow and how that single decision was the catalyst for so much change.

I stumbled here and there but eventually after putting everything into it, I managed to get two years away from watching pornography which was amazing. Unfortunately I became very dependent on my lifestyle and eventually relapsed when covid came around. Then like a depressed slinky I tumbled down the steps and picked up the frequency of my usage over time. I also discovered dating apps during covid which is another thing that I had no idea could be so addictive.

I'm at a point now where I've tried moderating, going without and using dating apps, pornography and other things e.g social media, gaming and I've learnt that I perform best and am the happiest when I'm not doing all of those things. I've made so much growth since the beginning of covid but the amount of presence that I felt when all my eggs were in the sobriety basket is hard to explain. So I've decided to dedicate my efforts towards that again.

Since the start of December 2023 I pulled the plug from pornography and social media then online gaming. Now I'm realising that the biggest consumer of my time and energy is undoubtedly Youtube. So I'm on day 2 of cutting this out. Realistically there will be times that I will need to use YouTube practically if I really need to look at something for Jiu Jitsu or work. But besides that - I mostly use it for entertainment which has become an out of control relationship since as long as I know it.

I haven't really stopped dating and having sex for I think more than a week or two since the last two years. So I'm comfortable with not using the dating apps for a while or even for life. In my opinion, people (including myself) have become so reliant on the apps to date and have forgotten how to meet people through other means. I know for myself on top of that I obsessively used dating apps for sexual and other forms of validation.

So I'm excited to get to know people outside of the app space. So far.. 3 weeks into cutting out social media + porn - I haven't missed it one bit besides I have been less in contact with certain people I used to chat primarily on Instagram but I can just + will text them. Like a friend said - if someone is not willing to chat to you outside the app then they're not really a good friend.

As for porn that has been challenging - I've had really intense cravings here and there where I have gone into denial, negotiating with myself and considered using pornography or actually more tempting dating apps. I've been tempted to search for "not porn" and "accidentally" stumble on provocative images by clicking suggested images on google images. This has happened many times. But each time it happens - I recognise the pull and ask myself do I really want to go down that road again?......

Like the old saying goes "If nothing changes, nothing changes" I will never see the benefits if I continue with the same line of thinking - just one more time. The time to change is now and is only going to happen if I overcome those craving/impulses and see what's over the other side. Each time I have overcome these urges, I initially didn't process what I've done or why but after a bit of time I become grateful that I did. It takes me one step closer to the bigger picture which is to create the life that I want to live in alignment with my integrity and fulfilling my potential.

So here I am on day two of properly rebooting my life. It's going to be difficult but I will be posting here frequently to keep me occupied, accountable and hopefully get some support or make a few friends along the way.

I will keep you updated )

 

DAY 3:

It's been a very interesting 3 days on the technological detox I would say that I feel that I am making the right decision for myself because I feel myself slowly becoming more centred. The impulse and pull towards technology and has been sitting in the background humming all day but luckily I've the help of a friend who I've been able to spend time with, who's also doing a detox with me and I've been focusing on other things to pass my days.
E.g I have been cleaning a lot more, donating clothes and things I no longer need, a lot of life admin, recruiting a flock of birds onto my balcony and trying to create a diverse range of tamed wild birds, starting to read and more.

I've also come to accept a lot more the hum is going to be there and I've come to accept my days a lot more without the use of the internet. There are moments where I feel bored but that is expected to be more potent in the early days as I am so used to be overstimulated all the time. Thinks are happening much slower and I'm feeling more present and focused as the time goes on.

 

fapequalsdeath - great name haha - Thanks for sharing! I could relate so much. Don't beat yourself up it happens. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've binged on technology whether that be internet, gaming, social media or porn after saying I wasn't going to do it again. I think that's the problem with addiction - part of the issue is the denial and the tricks it plays on you to get you sucked back in. The hardest but best thing to do is to quickly recognise it and throw yourself back into whatever it is that makes you feel healthy and happy. Don't dwell for too long in the despair. I've made that mistake too many times too xD You got this ! Keen to hear your experience !

 

Day 7 ! of my technology detox

It's been an interesting 7 days to say the least. I've noticed in myself; me feeling more calm, relaxed, optimistic and my friend has noticed it also. Most days I've been training jiu jitsu, gym and sauna in the same day and by that point I feel so exhausted but relaxed. When I trained the other day twice jiu jitsu - one in the morning and one in the afternoon that was the best. I noticed that my anxiety was completely gone for a day and a half.

Although it's been a short span of time I already notice in myself a desire to do things that don't involve being at home - e.g opting to go to a restaurant yesterday with a girl as opposed to eating in. I can feel some boredom kicking in and those days where I'm sleep deprived feel a bit more "boring" / I get a bit more craving. But it's not intolerable. I think also the time away starts to shift your mindset where to start to think about using these things less and every time I think about the benefits I'm getting hour to hour rewiring my brain to real life rewards and what's to come its super rewarding. As I predicted before jumping on this detox I've started to shift my focus to accomplishing real world things - e.g my career, social life, physical health, hobbies which in all honesty I cannot do when I'm watching porn and streaming services or games for that matter. I find myself cleaning, getting things done that need to be done - I just feel more like a normal person and not someone trapped in the vice of tech..

It's basically been 30 days now without pornography and 7 days detoxing from other addictive tech. I think realistically - I'm very curious to see how I feel with 90 days detoxing off addictive tech and 120 days without pornography. It's super motivating.Will keep everyone posted.

 

I feel you ! That’s a good idea

 

12 days into my complete detox..

These last 3-4 days have been a grind. Everyday there is a hum of uncomfortability and craving sitting. It's like the motivation to do simple everyday things is missing making it more difficult to do things that would improve my mood which then makes me more susceptible to cravings.. Today though it just feels like a heavy cloud is hanging over my head and I'm overcome with mental exhaustion. This is probably the most I've felt so far on this journey.. I wonder if this is the flatline they talk about when you're recovering from porn use or something to that affect. It hasn't changed my motivation to get better but it just makes it 10x harder to do the little things for myself. Sometimes I wonder when this will end and then other times I accept this will probably be my reality for the next two weeks at least but once I get through this it will start to be much better.

I'm going to drag myself to do a small meditation, nap for a bit, do some jiu jitsu and then keep at it. Will keep y'all posted. One thing that is really interesting to note is the big difference between my post on day 7. It would seem that a wave of withdrawals really kicked in days 8-12 so far. I guess that's one of the benefits of journaling - you're able to gain insight into patterns and gain a better Birdseye view of the timeline so far.

 

Day 13

Noticed a bit more emotions have been bubbling up to the surface. The changes are subtle but I'm starting to feel my feelings a bit more deeply at times. - e.g when watching a movie or the other day when I felt rejected from a group/ social interaction. That rejection - Brought up really intense feelings of shame and self criticism. So much that I threw me back to the early days pre internet. I remember internet initially started as my only way to escape feelings of deep shame, exclusion, social isolation etc. Because I felt that everyone was looking down on me, seeing me as defective, treating me like how I felt - a piece of shit. And there was no one to get support from or no social success as much as I tried. So the internet rescued me from having to wallow in that which was really torturing me. It really is a painful place to be. I guess now that I am aware of this and have the power to change my environment more than I did as a kid/teenager I can start to work on finding different ways to deal with shame attacks when they come up.

Still very awful to experience when it happens.

 

Day 14:

I woke up yesterday with a nostalgic feeling that is quite hard to explain.. it reminded me of when I had previously been properly sober in the past and the feeling of my brain rewiring after each sleep. The last few days I came down with a sickness so my time was mostly spent battling that. I noticed that my motivation to do things was really low when I first started but as things have progressively changed I’m noticing myself to start to become more open to the idea of being motivated to work.
I think all the social media back and forth over the last 14 years has definitely affected my ability to focus, my susceptibility to distraction etc. induced ADHD like symptoms. I’m still yet to determine if this is something I have but as I pull away whether or not I do have ADHD the tech addiction very much exacerbates any distractibility or lack of focus I already have. Makes things worse.

The best solution for me is to learn how to live in and navigate the digital space in such a way that it is only a tool that I occasionally need to pick up and not the primary focus of my life - superceding everything else ( e.g survival, sleep, food, career, essential things )

I noticed that I’m becoming calmer. I feel thankful that I have the support of this wonderful woman i am seeing. I am much more at peace with myself. And even my friend who is doing a detox is noticing the same benefits. I am becoming more grateful too. There will definitely be days to come that will be hard due to withdrawals but logging this all is making things much easier for me to understand my time line. And when things are/aren’t withdrawals.

 

Day 16:

I felt some mild resistance and craving for stimuli - possibly because of the exhaustion from doing so much. But again, the calmness is growing, confidence is boosting and I can definitely feel as the days go on the shame that I carried is going away. It's still early days but I can see how with a few more weeks I will start to see some more changes towards the things I look forward. There has been many times where I go on my phone and completely out of muscle memory start typing YouTube but before I can even finish the word I realise, snap out of it and close the phone.

I have been very busy going out, eating food, socialising, went to the beach and I'm becoming more open to other less stimulating forms of entertainment e.g naps, reading a book. But I will say the persistent feeling of boredom does come and go and stick around quite a bit.

 

Day 17.

My dopamine levels feel like they're restoring a bit. Much more motivation to do everyday things like work, life admin, errands versus leaving it to later. My anxiety levels have decreased as well making it much easier to socialise with people. I feel pulled to get to work sometimes.

Spent the day working, feeding the birds and will soon go to the gym and exercise + sauna/relax. Still feel little amount of craving. Checking the news was a bit triggering and got to be careful not to get lulled into the internet by surfing the web out of boredom. It's something I feel is not what I want to do in my conscience and I will be more conscious of.

My screen time in the last 17 days have been crazy low.. I'm talking 30-40 minutes per day on average and that's mostly texting or having to search up something I need to e.g looking for restaurants near me. So I'm pretty happy about that. It's really weird to look down at my screen time and not be completely embarrassed.

I have been meditating here and there about 10 minutes a day. That's something I look to increase the consistency of.

 

Day 19

It's safe to say that without a doubt my productivity levels have improved tremendously. I'm noticing previous issues with my executive function / motivation levels are not as present. E.g resistance to do simple tasks like household chores, picking things up off the floor which used to be a major struggle and would put aside for later is now something I don't really think twice about. Just a little bit of resistance to cleaning the dishes which is manageable.

My productivity at work has increased - previously I was not working because I felt like every small thing was overwhelming and I didnt have the motivation to do anything like get up and work from home let alone basic self care. That has changed and it has become extremely easy to pick up + get engaged into my work duties. The level of shame I'm experiencing on a day to day basis has decreased. It feels like my capacity to feel shame has decreased but also I'm sure as the other benefits coincide there's probably an accumulate effect on top. Shame can fluctuate sometimes too depending on how much time I'm focusing on inner criticism. But it's definitely improved a lot. Even my response to my car battery dieing was not as bad as how it used to be and general or social anxiety has decreased.

All and all these areas and possibly more have improved. One thing that I will say - I watched movies a few days ago, maybe 2days ago back to back and I noticed that the following day I felt much more bored and the craving was higher almost like was some describe as the 'chaser effect' after their first masturbation without porn. The porn side of things I don't really think about as much although occasionally I have fantasies of going on dating apps, casually hooking up, or just sexual fantasies in general. I try to stay away fro them because staying in it just makes it more difficult to move on the longer I stay in. Can lead to more cravings.

 

Day 21:
Today I woke up, packed my things to move back after a small getaway, got a coffee, had breakfast, drove back home, listened to podcasts on the way, cleaned my garage and around the unit block, fed the birds, swung by the chemist and had a beautiful whole food dinner.

These past 3-4 days I've started trialling a whole food diet to get healthy and it's a challenge for sure because of the time it takes to cook and clean up etc. But it's rewarding and I'm starting to get this weird proud feeling looking down at my plate- almost like an accomplishment for the hard work I put in but also there's some pride when I look down that I'm giving my body the best nutrients.

It's a good feeling to have. Since day 18 I've been experiencing a lot of craving. Increased anxiety and with that comes feelings of shame. However I will say that this time around it hasn't been as bad as the previous one. Although the craving to jump back on social media (whether that be compulsively searching for news, videos, games) and binge has been gnawing at me all day. It's been difficult. It's kind of like when you're running and you hit that dip in your energy before you catch a second wind. The days in this period seem to drag on really long even when I'm keeping myself busy. It feels like things are bit more boring atm. Which is funny because they were feeling really good before 4 days ago. So it's obviously my brain going through some withdrawal and adjusting to life outside of compulsive tech use. The porn acting out dreams have been occurring now 3 out of 3 nights I've had dreams where I'm either watching porn, doing some other sexual act or trying to prevent myself from watching porn.

The cravings to watch porn, view images, or message people on certain dating apps sometimes seems alluring but one thing that I realised was that I was beginning to quietly negotiate with myself. And there needs to be no more negotiation - the line was clearly drawn in the sand when I fell flat on my face a million times before. So another day goes on. As time moves on I am noticing this is getting easier and my brain is rewiring but not without a fight.

 

Day 27:

Wow time flies sometimes. This week was my most productive week. There was a moment where I almost slipped with porn. I was feeling extremely horny, bored, tired, lonely - the works. I went through this WhatsApp group that I was in and I was viewing peoples profile pictures trying to see if there were hot girls (via face photos) in the group but after 5 minutes I snapped out of it and I just masturbated without porn. But that made me realise that the compulsion to want to go back and use pornography or any addictive tech for that matter is very strong. Although it doesn't plague my mind every second of the day I can have days where it does and the pull is strong. Likewise for YouTube and other streaming services. I've noticed there has been a growing pull to find other addictive avenues to escape reality and gain dopamine endlessly. e.g surfing for news, viewing videos through news websites or Spotify, or just plain Netflix/Disney+. Those behaviours have gone up since I've put a stop on everything and I can see my brain trying to weasel it's way back into a coaddiciton or picking up a new addiction, instead of maintaining the course of withdrawal.

So I must be honest with myself and recognise these patterns if I want to overcome them. Also the shame probably hasn't helped. Good to be back posting - I've wanted to but I've been so busy. I'm also attending ITAA and SAA meetings now which is funny I've become more engaged and active in my sobriety the more I've been sober.

 

You got this my dude one week is all yours

 

30 days baby !

30 days of uninterrupted tech detox and this is 1 month and 3 weeks without porn. I can already tell that my anxiety has reduced substantially. The cravings have become less intense. Definitely gone down since a week ago. I feel much calmer in social situations - it's pretty cool and I can see the road ahead of what's to come - the growth and changes that are on this path. It makes me wonder if my brain is going to become more sensitive to life and if there are more neurological changes ahead. It also gives me a look into what other people without addictions must live/feel like at their baseline reality.

I'm way more disciplined and focused than what I used to be and making better decisions. I haven't really been exercising too much in the past two weeks so that's something I am going to start focusing on starting tomorrow once I get the chance. I do randomly have tendencies to be stressed or anxious throughout the day for no reason.. It just seems like the automatic anxious thoughts are happening less often.

I'm starting to look at other areas of my life:
- Cleaning/donating/clearing out junk items
- Fixing issues with my family.
- Working on my career
- Reconsidering educational pathways again
- Ticking off things that needed to be done.
- Questioning removing other dependencies i.e coffee, processed foods.

One thing that's also pretty cool is I haven't smoked or vaped in probably over 2 months. So that's something I'm pretty proud of

My next step is:

• Find a safe home for my families rabbits they've been trying to relocate.
• Continue building my caseload for work
• Move houses/unit
• Work on my physical health and saving money
• Relocate gym + Jiu Jitsu.

Today is also 53 days without porn. I'm excited to see what's more to come! I'll keep you posted

 

32 days in
Yesterday was a bit of a struggle. I had some bad insomnia from watching a movie too late and then was sluggish the whole day due to melatonin still being in my system and being sleep deprived. I struggled with my tech use and again experienced a vulnerability the whole day. I was much more tempted to surf the web or find something stimulating to fill my time + distract me from the intense withdrawal I was feeling. I watched movies most of the day and worked. I am going to set a boundary around streaming so that I only watch a movie before 11:00pm and limit myself to only movie a day.

Today I had to reactivate Facebook to use marketplace to give away some furniture. But the temptation and automatic muscle memory to doom scroll caught me a few times by surprise. Social media is very alluring in that there is nothing really directing your attention anywhere but your subconsciously know that there is dopamine available if you scroll down just a second. It's like endlessly dangling a delicious carrot infront of you that will never satiate you.

I was tempted to look at pornography and dating apps as well yesterday. But I did not. I think I thought back to how much that cause consequences on my life.

I'm noticing that some days there is more of a trigger from the jump/through out the days than others. These manifest as:
Boredom
Irritability
Anxiety
Lethargy
Craving
Lack of motivation.

In the past I used to pathologise these symptoms and really try to analyse why they were coming up but after using this journal and seeing a timeline in front of me, it would appear that these are more likely to be manifestations of withdrawals that periodically enter my life usually for around 4 days and then decrease slightly with intensity each time they enter/leave.

Today even though I experienced a lot of the same feelings waking up - I meditated 20 minutes, had a shower, a coffee and then focused the rest of the day on moving. I'm not going to cut out coffee just yet, not until I'm confident I've surpassed at least most of the initial withdrawal at day 90 of my tech detox and day 112 without pornography.

Update: It was very difficult to use Facebook without not scrolling a bit out of muscle memory and unconscious habit. Ended up hanging out with a friend.

 

Day 34:

It felt like a grind. Fell asleep last night to a few movies after a big day. Talking to a woman I've been dating for the past 6 months - who's been amazing to me but I just don't feel like I want to settle date or date for a while now. So we decided it's not fair on her to keep giving then pulling away for so long and decided to take a break from dating. Which was a relief for the conversation to have gone so well but also hard. I went to bed at 2-3am and put on a few movies and of course couldn't fall asleep due to the lights until I was exhausted.

Woke up today late like 11:30am, moved some things from the car, got a coffee, gave away a table to a stranger, drove my car, went to the sauna, had some whole food, dialled in to an ITAA meeting and then had a chat on the phone with someone from the meeting about internet + porn addiction. I had a few fleeting thoughts about dating apps maybe 3-4x in the day but that's all. The main thing that I crave is getting some source of stimulation to get me through the intense boredom and lack of motivation I feel.
Same shit again:

• Boredom
• Lethargy
• Craving
• Lack of motivation.

It really is a day to day grind it feels. But super important to tackle one day at a time. Despite feeling like a pile of dog shit all day I got a bunch of things done and there is a base of security and comfortability that is building that's sorted of setting the foundation. It's like a lack of anxiety, more focus. I remember having a similar experience in the past going through withdrawal. I reached out to a best friend I used to talk to who don't anymore because of some issue that was unclear to both of us. That was good for me to get off my conscious even if he doesn't want to be friends anymore. I felt good about that. One thing I've noticed from eating healthier is my skin looking clearer.

I want to focus now on working on myself, career, etc. Also checking out women on the street: not helpful.